December 29, 2008

happy new year. happy new life?

crazy times call for crazy measures, right? i asked for a new life for christmas.\
[do u think i got it?]

F! Santa.

pat bought a hard drive for my laptop, and the dumbasses at STAPLES, gave him the wrong one. so now i have to wait like 2 weeks for mr carey to get one through his company. STAPLES didn't even have the one i need. i didn't have a great christmas. but whatever, right? life goes on. merry f'n christmas. (haahaa, jus had to throw that last statement in there)

i know a secret... :) its a fxcking hilarious one too. its so good, im afraid to write about it. that's how amused i am by it. i'm tingling all over right this second!!!

<3 i want candy...

peace out girl scout.

November 29, 2008

paint and bbq cups.

i thought i loved to paint, apparently its not like i remembered. i got paint all over me and my hands started to hurt after 2 minutes of using the roller. it kinda sucked cuz i knew i could do the bathroom myself. but i ended up needing patsi's help.

...then pat made bbq cups for me and dad (: and they were SO GOOD.

the end.

things that need done ASAP:
1) shop for xmas gifts
2) get hair cut/colored
3) buy more pomegranate 7up!!!!!
4) paper chase
5) get some 'candy

...6) and see what this Twilight hype is all about

November 28, 2008

From "True Notebooks" by Mark Salzman

One of Mark's juvenile delinquent students writes 'Collision',

The angel is coming at full speed in one direction, while the devil comes in the other. The devil with his pitchfork, running at full speed, aiming to hit the angel in the chest, all of a sudden stops with the force of the angel's power. The devil tells the angel that he is going to kill him and that he is going to go to hell, but the angel responds, "I am with God and the only place that I'm going is to His paradise." The devil then strikes him, sending him to eternal fire. The angel on his knees, weak, all of a sudden gets his energy back and strikes the devil with his wings and sends him to heaven. There they are, throwing blows, wrestling, doing whatever they can to win.
All of a sudden they're running full speed towards each other when they collide and become one. That one is me.

Time Away

My computer died :( Apparently I need a new hard drive.
I'm on Dad's laptop and its messed up too! Well just the keyboard... so if you see the words run together and letters missing... that's why.

I read my last entry and it seems like it was only last month! I was BLITZED that night. BAD. And it came with NO warning. I knew I was drinking a lot. But not that much! It was fun. We shared stories, laughed, joked, debated, all around the warm fire. It was a lot of fun, but the next morning wasn't.

I read a few books in the last couple of months. I re-read Stephen King's, Pet Semetary in honor of Halloween :) It was spooky, but I didn't finish it. I also read Dean R. Koontz's, The Servants of Twilight. He is very much like Stephen King, but his writing is slightly different. There were a few times I jumped ahead a few paragraphs. I also started reading True Notebooks by Mark Salzman. Very good. I'm trying to read un-normal books. Books I wouldn't normally read, books I usually start but never finish. Broaden my horizons. :D

A lot else has happened in the last few months that I would like to note on:
Our beloved Megan Martin took her life on Halloween. Only seventeen. It was very hard to deal with.
Barack Obama won the election. I think you'd have to be living in a cave, not to know that one.
I've become more and more bitter, agitated, bitchy. But I officially have NO insurance so I can't go to the doc's. So I look for other ways to escape this hell.
Jay turned 21. Had a crazy party at his house that was pretty lame but resulted in Ashley and I not speaking.
Turkey Day was yesterday and not enjoyable. As every holiday seems like it will be this year.
Pat has lost 20lbs. He still has to go 20 more. Then he's off to Parris Island

I wish I could get a new laptop for Christmas. Its not that I need the internet, Myspace, or my email... its like my escape. I find it easier to write on here then in a notebook. And it sucks that I know it could be weeks or days before I'm able to write again. :(

September 20, 2008

Bonfire :: Good Times!

Tonight were having a bonfire! :) Wendy's hosting it at her house and we invited a bunch of people from work. I'm excited cuz I know its not going to be stupid. Like they usually are. This is actually semi planned out. I'm so tired of making plans with other people and they constantly fall threw -or- they screw the plans up(usually on purpose). I'm tired of having our nights cut short and in control by someone else. Yea, I am talking about someone specific. But it always happens that way. Its always half-assed plans and rushed. Its never fun and its always cut off/ended when "they" want it to be. 'They're' really inconsiderate to other people and they're plans... You can't always do what you want and you sure as hell can't always make other people do what you want! So I'm done with them controlling everything. Its time I put my foot down and took control. I always let everyone make my decisions for me and walk all over me. But not anymore. I'm going to do what I WANT, WHEN I want, and HOW I want :) Cuz there's a ton of shit I want to do BUT NEVER GET TO DO! CUZ I'm ALWAYS DOING WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO DO!

That felt good.

peace out.
I'm sure I'll have picks from the fire.

September 14, 2008


things are starting to work out, slightly.
i still don't feel compfortable
i still don't feel like i have a 'home'
but i guess its getting better...

no i lied
shit's still fucked up.

its just changing.
and i don't like change
i don't know what to expect next
i don't know what next month will be like

sometimes i feel like im floating
like nothing's real
nothing that happened today actually happened...

im just goin through the motions

September 6, 2008

"I like it when he pinch me, so I know I'm not dreamin"

Check Out: Ms. Williams Ms. Williams Music
Her musics and voice are fresh and real. Lovin the remix with R Kelly.

It feels like a perfect October day out today. Its a little chilly for September but feels so nice. I'm more excited for fall then I thought I would be. I dunno why but now I don't care how cold it gets I just want summer to be GONE. Summer was so complicated and a bunch of bullshit. I know the rest of the year is going to be just like this but for some reason I feel a little better now that summer's over. This year has really been bad. Hopefully, soon, all the shit will die down and I could start living my own life, but I doubt it. My life's taking a drastic change and its out of my hands and I'm getting fucked left and right. Its getting pretty bad and there's not much I can do but wait and ride it out. Eventually things will be back to normal, or as normal as they're going to get. I don't know, I just wished all I had to worry about was cooties and boo-boo's again.

Amanda's dying my hair tonight. Its just cheaper if she does it and I want to pay my bills. I don't need to waste $80 when Amanda can do it for $15. I was her model today at school. She got a 100% on the straight cut. Tonight she's going to shape it for me though (I look bad with a straight cut).

September 1, 2008

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.”

Sometimes the closest people to me, seem to make me the angriest. Or irritate me the worst. Or make me want to shoot them! I don't get it. Is it because they know what buttons set me off? Or they think they can get away with it because they're so close to me? Its so frustrating when someone who KNOWS BETTER does the worst! I feel like I'm on my god damn period 24/7! I go to bed pissed off and wake up pissed off and I think it is because of the people I'm surrounded by!! Every little thing sets me off. I know its not intentional but I swear they do it on purpose sometimes.

"Arguing with a fool proves there are two."
Doris M. Smith

Do you ever feel like you're not doing anything. Like you're just going minute by minute, nothing really feels real. Nothing feels right, but it doesn't feel wrong? Or you feel like you're not doing anything you should be? I hate that feeling. And I don't know how to change it. It keeps coming back every time I think its finally gone. I just want to be okay for a while. I can deal with it, if I just get a break from it. Like if something just fixes it. Just for a while. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

August 30, 2008

Love is God, God is love.

Me, Amandaconda, Sergeant Pickle, and Big Hoss are going to plan a roadtrip this fall (or winter)! Its the Fantastic Four and we're gonna have a blast. I think we all need time to bond, relax, escape... and its perfect. I can't wait. I don't even care if its on for like 2 or 3 days! Just as long as I get the F outta here with some friends.

i love them.

August 22, 2008

Don't worry about the people in your past, there's a reason they didn't make it into your future

Diggin it: Rihanna's "Shut Up and Drive" love it.

My baby joined the Marines today! Well the Marine Reserves so he can go to school first then go be a pilot. And I know he wants to go straight for active duty, but he knows that's not a great idea. I'm so proud of him!

I miss Mel :( I wanna go see her SO bad!

I'm so happy for Amanda! And I'm really proud of her for sticking with school and actually realizing she can do it! And she loves it! Told ya you would!

I'm looking into the National Guard. Pharmacy Specialist =)

I want to join the Peace Corps.

Get Along
Get more Graphics, Funny Pictures, and Myspace layouts at pYzam!

August 21, 2008

"I never fucked anybody over in my life, that didn't have it comin' to 'em, you go that?"

I finished reading Clive Cussler's "Cyclops", A Dirk Pitt Adventure. Amazing. I was so excited from the minute I read the first page til the last one. It was so fast paced and a real adventure. It was nice to escape from this hell into that kind of book. It really helped me. Now I'm escaping into Alton Gansky's "A Ship Possessed". Its another military type book but has twists and turns like Cusslers and keeps you on your toes and wondering what will happen next. Its a story with religious/faith undertones and dealing with the unknown and supernatural. I'm enjoying it. And I like these books so much, I'm going to try to find more from these two authors.

I find myself escaping to books and trying to keep my mind occupied. So that I don't return to the thoughts of the real world. And to hide from what's going on. Is that wrong? I just need a break sometimes. I used to forget about the problems through out the day. But now they are ALWAYS there. Always creeping up on me and out of the blue throwing me into a downward spiral. I feel trapped like I can't get away from anything! The only time I can, is when I get fucked up or read. And I would honestly rather read right now. I don't feel in control anymore. I don't know what would happen if I was too fucked up. Ahhh... I don't know. If you know any good books... amazing ones. Send me a message. I need to find something to keep my mind from wondering when those times come around. Ya know what I mean?


July 29, 2008

"my life's like AGHHHHH!"

I'm soo pissed!!!!!!!!!!

Just go back to Tennessee!!!!!!!!!

Just go back to him!!!!!!!!

Just go to Salem!!!!

I don't want to see ANYONE!

July 27, 2008

Giving credit.

I noticed Rihanna's music and sound has gotten more edgy, confident, and daring but I didn't expect her videos to go that far. Her last couple videos are different from what I expected from her. She is forming her own image and definetly isn't conforming. I give her credit for trying different things and not being afraid. Showing who she is in her videos is something not always easily done. But, sometimes you can go too far. And when the audience doesn't look at picture from an artistic point of view- sometimes the thing they see will not make sense. Seem too unrealistic. Too different. Too unacceptable. Too scary?

Rihanna's music video; Disturbia

July 19, 2008

lovely love

The Human Touch

'Tis the human touch in this world that counts,
The touch of your hand and mine,
Which means far more to the fainting heart
Than shelter and bread and wine;
For shelter is gone when the night is o'er,
And bread lasts only a day,
But the touch of the hand and the sound of the voice
Sing on in the soul alway.

Spencer Michael Free

July 17, 2008


Families are complicated. And mine is pretty damn crazy. Its hard to think I haven't learned anything from them. I'd be lying if I said that. I have learned enough to know where I got my strong traits and where my weak ones came from too. I just don't know if I'm ready to admit that I see our connection. I see where I might be just like my parents when I reach there age. Its a scary thought. You think, "No, I'm my own person". But I've realized I really am like my mother and father. And I can't guarantee that I won't think the way they do or follow in their foot steps. And I know it may scare my boyfriend or even my friends, but I don't know how to prove to anyone that I'm not going to be that way. I don't even know. I can't even convince myself!

In the end whatever happens, happens. I keep telling myself "its your choice, you decide what you do". I'm not going to put the blame on anyone but myself. Because I still have the power to choose my actions. And I can't regret the things I choose or do, I just have to learn from them.

July 12, 2008

s0 excited!

after time and time again, i got so frustrated with finding damn layouts for my blog! everytime i'd find a decent one it wouldn't work, or i wouldn't have the patience to go through and do that thing where you save it to the computer and upload it on here... it made my damn head hurt!! and they never worked! (mind you, i am pretty html-savvy. i know some stuff) but for some reason i'd get so pissed i'd say F IT! welllll..... I FOUND SOME LAYOUTS! =) i'm so excited!


my head's going to explode.
i need a break.
i'm tired of people.
go away.

i need pat to come home.
i dont know if he can fix anything.
but he sure can try.

i need a fucking day off.

July 9, 2008

long summer days

This summer has been pretty busy. Crazy things have happened, goals have been re-evaluated, time has been spent relaxing with people I love. My honey has decided to join the marines. That's kinda scary, but I support him 100%. He's always wanted to do it and I know he's doing it for the right reasons. I'm actually excited for him and looking forward to what our future will be like. :) I've been doing research and looking at different options for school and what I'm going to do with my life. I haven't decided on anything for sure and I really have to look at the financial part. If I screw up, I'll be in more debt, and I'd need to work some more to save money up BEFORE I decided anything. But I'm hopeful. I have been putting it off though. But I'm enjoying life and working and that's all that matters, for the moment.

June 20, 2008

Rock N Roll Hall of Fame!

Sheetz took me to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! It was fun. Since I've been there longer than 3 years, I was awarded a certificate and a sweet Sheetz pen :) They took us to the Hard Rock Cafe down there and had lunch for us and then we went to the Hall of Fame. It was really nice. I mean, I enjoyed it. I love music and seeing all that stuff was so intriguing and inspirational for me. Most people, though, weren't that interested and just sped through the whole thing. I would have had more fun though if I was just with Pat. I would have been able to take my time and just relax walking through. Even though we had hours to walk through, I felt rushed and either I walked alone and didn't talk to anyone or I skipped through to stay caught up. And I didn't want to be alone! I wanted to talk and be like "Oh wow, look at this!" But I guess music isn't for everybody, because most of them didn't care. But it was nice. Next time I think they should take us to Cedar Point!

June 13, 2008

i make it rain.

Its storming! And I'm all home alone! Nice combination, huh? Its cool though. I love thunderstorms. I hate the rain, but thunderstorms are fun. You never know if the lights are going to go out and you have to(or should) stay at home. I think its the best time for bonding or cuddling! And it brings back good childhood memories. I remember when I was little, the power used to go out all the time. I know with technology advances, it doesn't happen much anymore. But something about being a little primitive was fun. We used to grab the flashlights and light candles and then run around the house or hide in the hallways. It was fun and scary at the same time. The eeriness of the lights flickering always set the mood. Technology sucks sometimes. I miss those days when electricity wasn't fool-proof.

I got creative while I was watching CSI a little bit ago. I decided to draw/doodle. I think I might have came up with a tattoo idea! Pat will be really excited. I don't believe in getting peoples name's tattooed on your body unless you have no doubts, but I drew a little somethin' and I think I like it. It wouldn't have his name, but his initials. Its just an idea though. And I'd probably think it over for years before I actually went through with it. And I know that irritates him because he'd go get my name on him tomorrow, if I told him to do it!

Well. I'm going to finish watching CSI with the doggies. Mom made sure to remind me to take them downstairs if there was a tornado warning. They're the brats of the family!


June 12, 2008

My Little Sister's A Big Girl Now!

Ashley graduated last weekend from high school! She makes me feel old now! I was thinking, my chapter of high school is officially over now, but I remembered Stephen still has one more year. And after his graduation, I'll never be at Canfield High School again! Unless, I stay here and have my own kids. But he'll be my last connection to that school and those people. Its kind of scary when you think about it. I always thought after I had graduated that was the end, but it wasn't. I always had a reason to stay connected and return. But now I really don't. And next year will be final.
I thought mom and I would be more emotional, but we weren't. It was too hot out to be emotional. I did cry when they announced Ashley's name for a $1000 scholarship, she didn't know she was receiving. I was so happy for her! It was given to her without her knowloedge by a doctor for Education. She said she wasn't sure if they actually called her name and hesitated to get up, when it happened!

We celebrated with drinks when we got back to the house. Then we went to dinner at Nicolinni's with YiaYia and Aunt Phil. It was a nice time. Too much family time together though. By the end of the night, I think we were all glad it was over.

Although she's probably heard this enough times already, Ashley I'm really proud of you and I hope you the best in your college years. If you haven't learned anything from me, then I haven't done my job as your older sister! I hope you succeed and try your best in everything you do, learn from my mistakes. Love you so much!

May 31, 2008

bummed :o(

Well, were not going to Geneva this weekend. All the hotels were booked. But were going to plan something for next month and I told Erica that might be safer. This weekend we just got lucky that we didn't work, next month we can request off.

Everyone seems to have problems right now. Not normal problems, but really personal, life changing problems. I feel bad for them, because they're all nice, good people. And all I can do is listen and give some advice. Advice that I usually know they aren't going to take. I understand that it takes time to build up the courage to do something that must be done. But when I see that is the required step, and they don't do it, then what am I supposed to do? And how does it seem so easy to me and not them? All they need to do is confront the problems straight up. Speak Up. Talk. Communicate. I feel I do that with my problems. Most of them at least. There are some I do ignore but its because they aren't serious. The problems my friends have(or ones that I see) are serious problems that they need to talk about to the person it deals with. What's hard for me though, is when they keep coming to me and venting to me about the same things that are just getting worse and worse. And they still aren't talking to the person they really need to talk to. I won't repeat myself over and over. So when I go silent, I feel like I'm not helping them. But I don't have anything else to say! Its frustrating for me! And I just want everyone to be happy. Its summer! Its time to have fun and not have any worries! Geez.

DL this song: Lolli Lolli(Pop that body) - Three 6 Mafia

May 30, 2008


Catching Up.

My baby came home and surprised me last week! He did trick me, but it was worth it. I cried. I told him later it was like I needed to pinch him and make sure he was really there, because it just didn't seem real. We had fun the 5 days he was home. They went really fast, though. He was gone for over 3 weeks and that felt like 3 months and when he got home the 5 days felt like only 2! It sucked but he does have to make money and take care of his finances if he wants to show me he's worth marrying!

So although I'm bummed he's gone, I do have something else to look forward to! Geneva!!! I can't wait, its going to be so much fun!! We're doing that thing where you get a drink at every bar and then you get a tshirt at the very last one!! And I'm glad I'm going with Erica. She's responsible and I feel safe when I go out with her. :o) One more day and we leave!!

We were supposed to leave tonight but Tracy couldn't get the night off, so were leaving tomorrow. I work til 5 today. Short shift. Colleen switched with me <--love that girl! So now I'm just chillin before work. I should clean my room. But damn, my back hurts :(

DL this song: Yael Naim- New Soul :) It puts me in a good mood!

May 21, 2008

Life is...

Life is a confusing. But I'm content with mine. Or as content as I could be, I guess. I don't understand why things happen sometimes. But I accept the outcomes. I never regret anything, I learn from the decisions I make. I realize I'm confusing. I realize life's confusing. But in the end, I think I have learned that you should do whatever makes you happy and don't lie to yourself. Sometimes we spend so much time defending ourselves to others that we ended up covering up our real feelings and forgetting about them. Who cares what others think? I've learned not to let others influence my decisions. There's no harm in listening to their help, but do what you want to in the end.

Life should be fun and exciting, not full of stress and hatred.

May 14, 2008

The Shuffle Survey. Get Silly.

Use your mp3 player, Windows Media Player, or whatever. Put all songs on SHUFFLE. Hit NEXT to provide your answers! Use the one that comes up, no matter how messed up, funny, or stupid it is!!

1.) What's your current mood?
I Miss You Like Crazy - Christina Milian

2.) What was your first kiss like?
Comatose - Skillet

3.) What do you think of your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Serenade - Mozart

4.) What do you think of your life?
Dear Diary - Britney Spears

5.) What were your high school years like?
Crash Into Me - Dave Mathews Band

6.) What would your parents say about you?
Hail To Princess Aurora - Sleeping Beauty

7.) What are you afraid of?
Gravity - Sara Bareilles

8.) What makes you happy?
Hi Hi Hi - Paul McCartney and Wings

9.) What are you doing tonight?
69 - T-Pain

10.) What will be the first song played at your wedding?
Roll On 'Em - Chingy

11.) What do you think of your job?
Stars Are Blind - Paris Hilton

12.) What were you doing this morning?
I Miss You - Blink 182

13.) If you could do anything, what would you do?
Gangsta Gangsta - Lil Scrappy

14.) If you had a month long vacation, what would you be doing?
Hey Lil Mama - Baby Bash

15.) If someone cut you off while driving, you would say?
Zoom - Lil Boosie

16.) The last thing you said to your mother was?
Don't Rush - 112

17.) If you won the lottery, what would you yell out in excitement?
Gangsta Don't Play - Fabolous

18.) Was last nights fling good in bed?
Let Me Get Em - Soulja Boy

19.) Are you sexy?
Get It Big - Trapstarz

20.) Have you ever partied so hard, you didn't remember what happened?
Money In The Bank - Swizz Beatz

21.) Have you ever been with the opposite sex?
Freestyle - Cassidy

22.) What's your best friend think of you?
Where I Want to Be - Donnell Jones

23.) What do you think of your best friend?
We Takin Over - DJ Khaled

24.) What song explains your life?
He Can't Love You - Jagged Edge

25.) What are you thinking about?
Gimme More - Britney Spears

26.) What do you think of our president?
I Want You Exclusive - Day26

27.) What turns you on?
Hero - Chad Kroeger

Shits and Giggles.

May 11, 2008

Lil Wayne Concert

Was a disappointment. And it was a waste of money. I still like his music and believe he's a good artist, but he's not the greatest performer and was a little ridiculous. The concert started at 7:30pm, and he didn't come on until after 11pm. ??? The DJ and the radio station did their best to keep the audience's attention and waste time but it was annoying and pointless. There was rumors that he was not going to show up at all in Youngstown, and after the cancelation in the first place, I wouldn't have doubted it. But he was there, he just "wasn't coming out". Not sure why... but normally performers don't do that to their fans. I've been to quite a few concerts/shows, and this
was the worst. Let alone the sound was horrible, there were no lighting effects/special effects, back up dancers... nothing. I'm not saying every performer has to have all of that... But damn. Make the show interesting. It wasn't by the time he actually got on the stage, I didn't want to be there, and you can tell other people didn't. People were asking for their money back and everything. After a show like that, he gave himself a bad reputation in Youngstown. I for one, would never pay to see him again, and I wish it wasn't this way. And the Chevy Centre didn't make this event any better. If they are wondering why people don't buy tickets for events and concerts there, they should try sitting at one of them, themselves. Their ushers are horrible, and if you have a problem, there is no supervisor that knows what they are talking about. Their staff needs a lesson in customer courtesy and professionalism.

The only thing I enjoyed about the concert was I was feeling good because of the beer, and we stayed to hear Lollipop and see Birdman. Although, I wish he performed more. He was honestly better than Wayne.

So in the end, I wish the best to Lil Wayne, and hopes he and his entertainment team, gets their shit together.
I'll continue to listen to your music, but I'm not sure if I'll be patronizing you anytime soon.

April 30, 2008

We're Going Downtown!

For my 21st birthday, Mom took me and Erica to Station Square in Pittsburgh! We stayed at the Sheraton and had a blast! I wasn't really feeling the Clubs, I don't know, I just wasn't in that kind of mood. I was bummed because Pat was out of town, and the plans for Pittsburgh got kind of screwed up so I knew I was going to have fun, but not as much fun as I could have had. So we hung out in the Red Star Tavern and played pool. It was great! I felt mature and sophisticated. We drank and talked and then started playing pool. Bar Louie's is connected to the Red Star so we got to listen to great music coming from the DJ over there. It was perfect. It wasn't crowded at all, but I felt comfortable. Although I liked it, I wish it was a little more lively. I, of course was drunk. But not out of control. The atmosphere in the Red Star, I think helped me control myself. Usually I get ditzy and giggly. But I was in control while playing pool and I just felt good. But I was definitely drunk. Walking out was a little hard and I needed a smoke SO bad! I thought I'd be okay, I didn't smoke all day or when we got there, but after a few drinks, I needed one! Needless to say, when we got back to the hotel, I passed out immediately!

The next morning we woke up pretty early and got ready to go shopping! I wanted to have martini's for lunch, but we ended up eating outside of the Island Cafe. It was good though, and I was proud of myself for not ordering fries with my wrap. I figured all the beer and Amaretto-sours I had, had done me in for over-the-limit calories, the night before. We walked along the river and enjoyed the scenery and head inside the Station Square Mall. Did some shopping and then made our way across the bridge into Downtown!! Erica had never been to Pittsburgh, or any city like it, so we had fun showing her different building and talking about how Youngstown should look like this. We ended up getting caught in the rain, buying those umbrellas that you clamp to lawn chairs at the Rite-Aid, giving a hobo a dollar(which he was very happy for!), and doing a TON of walking! We walked back to Station Square, went back in the Mall, walked around, Mom bought some stuff and then headed to the car.

We made our way down to Carson Street. Carson street is probably my favorite street in the whole United States(maybe second to North Atlantic Ave on Daytona Beach! Google Map it and check out the street views! You'll love it!) After finding a place to park, which was a task in its own, we walked up and down, and up and down Carson Street. We stopped in all our favorite store- The Culture Shop, The Groovy Store, and Slacker. And some new ones too- Bead Mine, Spotlight, and Clarissa Boutique. We had lunch in a bar. They had $2 Miller Lite! Before we left, we decided to walk down to Perlora. Its at the more open end of Carson street. Unfortunately it had closed 15 minutes earlier. Bummer. Perlora is a furniture store with a unique and different taste. Mel and I have always wanted to get an apartment in downtown Pittsburgh, and Perlora is the store we would buy from to furnish it! That's okay though, we'll just have to make another trip down! So we left and made our way to IKEA! We walked around and showed Erica how awesome IKEA is, and I looked at stuff for an apartment! Then we had dinner at Applebees and headed off on the open highway!

I'm glad we got to do it, there was some drama before that almost made Erica not come. But we made the most of it and I can't wait to do it again!

Pictures courtesy of Erica and Google Maps!

April 20, 2008

Family Love

I love my family. They're amusing. We're supposed to be going to the Flea market. Dad's cooking out today so were going to get some veggies and stuff. As well as support our local farmers [: Well. Mom and Ash might go to war and its quite funny to watch. And listen to what they saying to eachother. Ashley just knows exactly what to do to PISS mom off. And what makes it worse is Pat's here, so... he'll feel the wrath from both of them! We all take our anger out on Pat. Its easy.

We'll see how the ride there goes, and I'm sure they will still be going at it when we get to the market.

Its going to be a fun day :o)

April 12, 2008

A new day of darkness.

Picture waking every morning in blackness. Seeing only light dancing behind a closed curtain. Your sight has failed you and you must rely on your other senses. Using your hands you feel every thing that is normal to you, you hear every thing that you hear every day, but you can't see any of it. Navigating through the house, at first, seemed hazardous but then I realized I've lived here for 21 years. I know every inch of this place. I know where everything is positioned. I skated through with no problem. Only using lights that were on in different rooms to judge where I was, and the sound of tv's and the distance they were away. Even riding in the car, I could tell what roads we were on and how far away until the next turn. Occasionally I'd get lost and then realize a sudden bend and be back on track.

You're probably thinking I went blind. We'll luckily that's not the case. I have horrific scratches on my left cornea. The pain is so unbearable that I can't open my eye lid. The scratches also caused my eyesight to go hazy and cloudy so I couldn't see through it even if it didn't hurt. Because of the stress on my right eye, that one too, doesn't want to open. Besides, anyone who knows me, knows with out glasses or contacts, I can not see anything. Anything. Until I saw my eye specialist, I was blind. Light hurt my eye and I had a patch over the left one for about a day. My good eye, was pretty much useless so naturally I walked around all day with both closed.

It was weird not being able to see. At times I was frustrated and angry. And I couldn't scratch or rub my eye, so the pain was horrible! And the anxiety of not being able to touch it when it itched, sucked. I don't wish blindness on anyone. I realized how bad it sucks. I had to use people to guide me through rooms and to read things for me. When I talked, since I couldn't see if they were looking at me, I felt like they weren't listening. Ya know? How would I actually know if they were paying attention? Even though my "blind episode" only last for about 2 days, I think I realized my other senses were stronger. Everything was louder than normal or different sounds punctuated more in my ears. My nose was all clogged up from crying and sniffling so my sense of smell sucked. And as far as touch, I touched everything in front of me. So I got very good use out of that! I learned that the eye heals very quickly, and I'm doing much better. Later in the day I was able to keep my left eye open without it tearing up and closing. It still itches and throbs. And every three hours I have to put drops in. I have to sleep with ointment in it so the eyelid pretty much glues shut. I go to the doctor's on Monday and hopefully he doesn't tell me any bad news.

And I'm buying glasses. Screw contacts! They are most likely what caused the bad scratches. The hott ER doctor told me they were the worst he's EVER seen. My advice to you: Be careful with contacts! They're suppose to help your sight, but they can ruin it, too!!!

April 10, 2008

peace, love, and happiness.

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The thought provoking survey:1. What reasons get you out of bed in the morning?
Work, somtimes. Have to take Harley out so he can do his business. Cuz you have to wake up sometime.

2. Were the ideals and dreams you had as a kid, any different from the dreams you have now? Why or why not?
I wanted to be a princess. So ya, I think that's changed! I know I've always wanted to have a good, stable life and a family. And a good job. One that's "me", fun, and makes decent money so that I can support myself and children.

3. What do you fear?
The unknowing. And fucking spiders. Loneliness. Sharing my whole life with the love of my life and him dying before me... I'm not sure if I could survive with out him.

4. A. What do you find essential to live your life?
Happiness, companionship, determination. If I can't overcome obstacles, I get stuck. So I need support from my truefriends and family and determination and confidence in myself to progress with my life.

4. B. Why can you not live without it?
If I didn't have those things, I wouldn't have a life, now would I?

5. What have you experienced today?
Nothing out of the ordinary... boredom before work. Boredom at work. Restlessness.

6. How do you feel about tomorrow?
Not looking forward to it, but will make the best of it, I suppose.

7. What do you believe to be true without any speck of doubt?
Karma's a bitch. And if you do good, you will be returned in some way. Although it may not happen as soon as you would like, He has reasons for making you wait.

8. What does truth mean to you?
Truth means being able to admit your faults and realizing who you are. You have to be true to yourself before you can be true to others.

9. Why is it worth it to keep a secret? Or why not?
To keep a secret shows me that your loyal to me when I confide in you, if it serious. Some secrets are trivial.

10. What do you desire more than anything from life? Why?
To understand what I'm here for... what is the meaning of life. I'm sure that won't be answered but I would like to know more about what we are as humans.

11. If you had the world listening to your voice... what would you say to everyone?
Everyone take a f'cking vacation and relax! Everyones so fastpaced and in a hurry, they don't realize they're missing out on life! I do not think life is about fancy things and working to live... it should be about enjoying the people around you and seeing new things. Enjoying your existence and learning.

12. What holds you back the most for the things you love to do? Why do you let it? What can you do to compromise this problem?
I'm not sure exactly... not enough money... having obligations and responsbilities. If I have to work, I have to work. And I need to work to make money so I can do things I like... and if its something I want to do that doesn't cost anything... I still have to wait til work or other responsibilities are accomplished.

13. What is reality to you?
Looking past the obvious and seeing the meaning in something.

14. If you were faced with a being that obviously wasn’t violent but considerably ugly, would you be afraid of it? Why?
Uhmm... this questions a little weird. Just because a "being" is ugly doesn't mean its harmful. Different isn't bad. It just takes getting used to. I see the good in everything before the bad.

15. What have you learned from your parents?
People change as the get older. About finances. And how to be open and insightful.

16. What have you taught someone else?
I would hope I have taught someone SOMETHING.... but I'm not sure if I have.

17. Are you afraid of death? Why/why not?
No not at all. I think its just a stage in life that leads to another state of being.

18. Where do you think this world is headed? Why?
To devastation. But its obviously is something that has to happen for us to realize what life is about. Were screwing up the world on our own. We don't learn from our mistakes, we can't progress.

19. If you didn’t have to worry about money what would you do with your life?
Travel the world and meet people, all different kinds of people.

20. What is love for you?
Finding your soulmate... the person that is so much like you but different in their own way. Your other half.

21. What is Happiness for you?
Seeing other people happy and helping others. Laughing and crying with your friends. Loving someone and being with them forever.

April 4, 2008

Steelhound Hockey; Fight Till the End!

Congrats to the Steelhounds for their win over the Colorado Eagles! A 5 - 2 win over the Eagles has allowed them to stay in the playoffs and possibly bring a championship win back home to Youngstown! The win was achieved by pure passion, pride till the end, and a strong drive to do what must be done. Goalie, Kevin Beech, blocked 22 of 24 shots from the Eagles. Beech, with an outstanding game, achieved his "first professional playoff victory in his first start". The three outstanding players of the game were Kevin Beech, Ryan Bennett, and Mark Odut. Bennett scoring two goals and Odut scoring one, they were also accompanied by goals by Kurtis Dulle, Jimmy Russo, and Bryan Lachapelle. With the crowd cheering the whole game and adrenaline filling the whole Centre, The official Steelhound Press Box says, "The game was very physical as they combined 135 penalty minutes off of 43 offenses with Colorado leading the way with 72 minutes."
Although there were many penalties, fights, and unsportsmanlike conduct, it kept the Youngstown pride alive. The fans were on the edge of their seats, waiting to see what would happen next, and whether the Steelhounds would come through in a victorious win. (Both in the playoff game and the fights on the ice). Today's game should be just as action-packed. Youngstown must come through victorious to stay in the playoffs and with their determination from last nights game, they should have no problem today!

Stats from the Game (

Period 1- no scoring from either teams
Period 2- Colorado 2 Youngstown 4
Period 3- Colorado 0 Youngstown 1

Total for Colorado- 24
Total for Youngstown- 41

Colorado 1 for 6 : Youngstown 2 for 9

Colorado 72 minutes on 23 infraction(s) Youngstown 63 minutes on 20 infraction(s)

REFEREE: Craig Welker
LINES 1: Chris Petrin
LINES 2: Shane Nakic
SCOREKEEPER: Memphis Scorekeeper
1ST STAR: Bennett, Ryan (YNG)
2ND STAR: Beech, Kevin (YNG)
3RD STAR: Odut, Mark (YNG)

Previous game(March) Hounds vs. Eagles

April 2, 2008

The Internet. Another World of Addictions.

I go on Myspace, every day. I wouldn't say I'm addicted though. My friends are too busy to leave daily comments and post pictures every day. So, I don't have the excitement of seeing "
New Messages!" every time I log on. And when I do, its usually from the the same 4 people that always comment me. :o) I'm not complaining though. (At least when they're picture comments, they're different people.) But I think the only reason I continue to log on is too see, if maybe 'this time' something interesting was left for me.

On the other hand, I recently found the world of YouTube. I don't know how I came across the thought of browsing music videos on YouTube, but it magically happened. I knew what YouTube was. You put your videos up so everyone can see them. Or you searched for movie trailers, music, or lost episodes of shows, and so much more. It didn't hit me until I did it that day, that you can actually find ANY music video you want or search for your favorite childhood CARTOON. Let me tell you, when I realized how much YouTube is good for, I became addicted. Instantly. I ended up laying on my bed for a couple hours, searching for music videos and creating a playlist that I would listen to while working out (the elliptical is near the big computer) and then I came across one of the first cartoons I remember as a child, which spawned into another hour of searching for every childhood cartoon I ever watched! And with the awesome feature of playlists, I was able to save all my favorite episodes, and make them private. That way I won't be embarrassed to admit that I still watch cartoons and which ones.
The following days, I came across different videos which would turn into an hour searching for videos that were like the first one. Every time I opened my laptop or logged onto the big computer, YouTube was now the first website I would open. Instead of Myspace.

I'm not proud to say I sit in front of the computer when I'm bored for hours at a time. Or sometimes the internet is more fun than talking to my sister or mother. But it has this magic spell, all the possibilities. Usually the minute I get on, I'm caught in a whirlwind of paths... search for my favorite cars, search for honeymoon vacation packages, search for lyrics, download music, upload pictures, blog, read my gmail, play games, buy anything you want, read articles, all these things available at my fingertips, is my weakness. having it right in front of me captures me and I get stuck on the computer for hours if I'm not distracted by something else. I hate it and I hate the damn internet. For months I wasn't addicted. I barely went on. I rarely logged into my Myspace account... then something changed. And I regret it. Like the first time you try a drug you know your going to have stop, cuz its just too good. Damn the internet.

I hate being closer to an inanimate object then a human being.

April 1, 2008

Survey Time; Umma Do Me.

Of course you wanna get to know me! Let's start with the Basics:
Full Name: Jessica Ann Mondora, remember it.
Birth Date: well, its April 24, 1987. BUT, I have two birth certificates! One's for the 24th and the other is for the 25th ;o) Feel free to celebrate on both days. I won't mind!
Birth City: the Yo! Youngstown, Ohio for all you foreigners.
Nationality: Greek, Slovak, Italian, Hungarian
Eye Color: green. I'm blessed.
Hair Color: As I get older, its getting darker! Brown Baby.
Siblings: younger brat named Ashley, lover her to death though.

The Likes:
Movies: Harry Potter, all of them. The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Alien vs Predator, National Treasure, The Notebook, Disney movies(I'm a collector) (: 10 Things I Hate About You, Duplex, Heartbreak Kid
TV Shows: CSI, Family Guy, King of Queens, Futurama, The Soup, anything on HGTV, sometimes the History Channel's cool.
Books: Ship of Fools, Star, Star Struck, Hostage, anything by Stephen King, House, The Golden Compass
Resturants: Applebees, Rockne's, any Chinese resturant
Fast Food: JibJabs, Taco Bell, McDonalds
Seasons: Winter's my fave cuz of the snow, but I enjoy all of them for different reasons
Animals: dogs, cats, monkeys, tigers
Vacation Spot: Daytona Beach!! Florida's my second home!
Video Games: Grand Tourismo, Brain Age, Luxor, Tomb Raider, and of course any Mario game!
Instrument: the piano

The Dislikes:
I'm just gonna sum this category up:
Spiders, liars, rain, pickles, SPIDERS, unloyal people, bitches, people who hate the world and try to make you hate it too, drama, confrontations, fighting, not being listened too, work, getting older/growing up, politics, people in general(but I try to keep an open mind at all times), headaches, showoffs, being walked all over, not being able to express myself, smoking(even though I do it), traffic, being procrastinator, the world and its stupid people, and so much more.

About my dream Guy:
Someone with a personality, independance- doesn't need me around all the time, isn't dependant on me, humor goes a long way. I like to laugh. Someone with goals and dreams, that will make them happen. Someone with some intellect. Someone who can think on their own. Likes to do things and is a risk taker. A little cockiness doesn't bother me. Someone who shares my dreams(working hard to have a good future, traveling, enjoying life everyday). He also should be honest, open-minded, and caring.

About my Career:
Dream Job: psychologist, counselor, back up dancer, archeologist
What I'm Doing Now: working at Sheetz. Yea it sucks, but the pay is really good. $10.00 an hour + benefits. I can't quit.
College: Youngstown State, not going this semester though. Switched major from Business Economics to Computer Information Systems, but didn't work out. This summer, doing online course through Mount Aloysious, for Business Administration
What I'd Really Like To Do: something that will be fun, challenging, and not be like work at all... yet to find the career that actually meets those at all.

In the Future:
I would like to: visit Egypt, Greece, Thailand, China, Fiji, go on an African Safari, visit the Rainforest, pretty much see the WHOLE world.
I would love to: live in Alaska, Colorado, Arizona, Europe, at least for a little. Each place :)
I will have: a stable relationship with my hubby, a big family, and a sweet house, that fits all my needs!

I will own: a Jaguar XKR. I'm saving now.
I will accomplish: Writing one piano piece. Seeing at least two different countries. Speaking another language, fluently. Moving out of Ohio. And driving across the United States- one big road trip!!

I love:
My other half: Melissa Saige
My Besty: Amanda Marie
My Hubby-to-be: Patrick
My family, my life, my body(well some of the time), my personality, my future, my car, my piano playing skills, my artistic side, my friends, my heritage, my puppies, my God.

March 20, 2008

Sleepless in Canfield.

I worked an afternoon shift today, the first in months. And now I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not tired and I want to do something. But everyone's asleep. Lame-o's. Ashley's probably out with her new geek. My mother is no where to be found. Amanda's got a uti or something. And the only other person that I could possibly call right now, is in Tennessee. My life is sweet. If I was still at "our" (pat and my) house, I would probably go for a ride. But at mom's I never feel like leaving after I've gotten home. Plus my luck, the bubble in my tire would bust and then I'd have to call someone for help. Which knowing my family members, they would bitch and leave me on the side of the road until they were "ready" to come get me. Then I would get yelled at by my mother for being out anyway! And we'd go back and forth with "I'm nearly 21 years old!!"'s and "I don't care how old you are you shouldn't be out driving with a bubble in your tire!!!". It would be mildly humorous though. It is actually pretty funny. My younger sister is allowed out 'til whenever. And I, three years older than her, isn't really allowed out 'til whenever. Even though I'm the more responsible one. Makes perfect sense? Its been this way for a while, naturally Ashley is allowed to do whatever she wants and I only get away with a few things. I've grown accustomed to it, that I don't even see getting into an argument with mom about it.

Amanda, get off of Dan and wake up!
Pat fly home from Tennessee!

And it sucks even more because, today will probably be the only day for a few DAYS, that I'll actually wanna do something. Tomorrow, I won't. Saturday, I won't. And Easter I won't. Besides I work those three days, and I'm drained after work, that its just hard to want to do anything.

This sucks.

March 2, 2008

Bottled Up Anger?

Lately, I have been super pissed. I'm not usually pissed off and agitated ALL the time. But this has become daily. To almost every hour someone or something pisses me off. And this isn't PMS. But it kinda scares me. I just find myself walking away from the agitator and calming myself down. Like literally telling myself to "calm down, breathe slowly, in and out, in and out..." I never was like that. I never used to come seconds away from freaking out on someone verbally, or worse physically. I constantly want to hit someone. Everyone lately has been stupid. Its like I'm surrounded by fucking idiots, everywhere I go. [ I'm not saying that I think I'm perfect, believe me, I'm getting pissed off at myself also! That's a whole different bitchfest though. ] Everyone's head is up their asses, and apparently they all went deaf and lost their eyesight, and their brains? Well they decided that was last years fad, so they threw them away! I'm serious, everyone acts like they are incompetent. And then gets mad at you for their mistakes. I can't stand people!

And then someone has the nerve to tell me I'm high-strung; That I need to chill out. Well if I wasn't surrounded by morons, incompetent, selfish asses, and I wasn't suffering from near coronaries everytime someone asked me something OBVIOUS, or instructed me to do something I'm ALREADY doing?! Then I wouldn't need to chill out. And I wouldn't freak so easily. I don't want to resort to smoking a blunt every day just so I can chill and deal with stupid people!! Maybe they can just THINK BEFORE THE SPEAK!

[yea, and most of this pertains to people that walk into my place of employment, fellow employees and customers alike.] Truth hurts, huh?

February 20, 2008

Bitchfest 2008; Doubting.

Don't you hate when people doubt you? That's the worst thing you can do to me. I'll never forget it, and it will forever piss me off. And I think it makes me so angry because once they doubt you, even if its 3 years down the road that you did what THEY said you would or wouldn't do... they're still like, "Told ya so! See I knew you couldn't do it!" I hate that. Why do you care so much about what I'm doing? People spend so much time worrying and trying to give advice to someone else, that they miss what's going on with them and screw up they're own lives. (Which is funny.) Not that their advice is any good, though. Its just advice to get you to do what they want. Because everyone has a little control-freak in them. And thinks they know what is best for everyone else. So don't doubt me, have some goddamn faith or hey, just stay out of my business! :) I'd like that a lot!

February 8, 2008

cleaning my life out.

Happy Birthday Erica! Hope you enjoy this one and many more! I wish you the best and stay safe!

My mother is a clean freak. She assumes I'm not going to clean, so she feels the need to remind me everyday that my room 'will not be a mess'. I woke up today with the intentions of cleaning. And throwing everything that was useless away. I was in the mood to clean since last night. Which means I want to accomplish something. Something obviously is bothering me, for me to want to clean! I am really stressed out... but I can't pin point one thing. Oh well. I feel a lot better now. And I cleared a lot of things out. I wish I could just throw everything away and start new! It would be so nice if I didn't have to go through all the boxes to see what's exactly in them. I would just park a dumpster next to my window and start throwing shit out! That would be nice.

I don't know if I want to straighten my hair today or go wave-y.
Dinner at 5 for Erika! Can't wait!
VDay boxes with Amanda, later! I need to get creative.
Hockey game? Not sure.

I think I'm going to practise the piano. Its relaxing.
[peace out]

February 7, 2008

Too late.

I'm relieved that you understand now. You actually understand what I've been trying to tell you for the last three months. I know you don't understand everything, but you understand enough that I think we can actually start moving on. I know it hurts, it still hurts me. But its different this time. I know I'm not supposed to be with you and I know this in my heart. You know I don't hate you. I never could actually hate you. I don't forgive you for the things you've done, though. No matter how many times you say sorry. And yes, I hold them against you. Even when I know you've changed, I probably still will. Its just hard to believe someone can actually change their ways and habits. Like last time, you didn't do the things you did but the habits were still there. You subsided and hid them. But every once in a while, you would slip and I saw the signs. The habits were coming back. And you can't make excuses and blame it on what you were doing at that point in time. I don't care, I admit that what you were doing does change people, but You could have taken control over it. I did. You didn't see me change.

I'll never forget what we had and I never, never will regret Us. We had our good times, there just was alot of bad times. And it got bad enough, that I realized we're not meant to be. I'll always be in your life, if you want me to. I'll never deny you a friendship. In the end I know you'll always be there for me. Our love isn't just a 'relationship love' its a 'life long' love. No matter what I'll always care about you. I could never not care. We've been through too much. I'll always be here. And I know You will too.

January 23, 2008

I know only I can hurt myself the worst.

A quote from Buddhism can some up life in a sentence. "Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts." To anyone who never understood why a person does the things they do, that quote sums it up. To anyone I ever tried to explain to the way I think, read that quote. You won't necessarily understand, unless your going through what I'm going through. But maybe that puts it a little clearer, than my babble. You'll never know. And you'll never be able to help me. Only I can help myself. I've got it under control. You don't need to worry. But for all the times you asked "why do you do that?" and you told me my reasoning didn't make sense, yes it did. Its how I deal with problems. Only I can hurt myself the worst. I make the decisions that lead to all outcomes in my life. I only have myself to answer to, myself that leads my life. In the end, it all comes back on me. You don't understand this, because you won't come to terms with yourself. I know when I screw up, and I know how my head process things. It is my fault because they were my actions, or my words. I acted upon what someone else did or said, whether they were being hurtful or in the wrong. I choose the paths that lead me through my life. No one else does. So when I do something wrong, isn't it fair that I deal with the consequences, myself. Teach myself a lesson. Remind myself in some way, that you can't do that again or you can get through the rough times? Don't worry about me, I know what I'm doing... worry about yourself and where you're going.