February 25, 2011

darling, I will wait ♥

I miss you Pat.

I haven't gotten better. Not as nauseous but even my cold, if that's what it is, isn't going away. I can talk now though, but I'm still raspy. My ear has been clogged the last few days so I decided to go the the ER. Turns out, the Austintown ER just up and closed in October! They just added on to that building and made it huge a couple years ago. I can't believe it. We went across the street to the Immediate Care and they would not have been able to contact the Red Cross if I needed them too. So we went to the another ER. I had test done and thankfully, the blood tests were normal as well as the ultrasound of my gallbladder, liver, etc.
He did 'diagnose' me with gastroesophageal reflux disease. He says I will need to see an endocrinologist and possibly still a gastroenterologist. There are multiple things happening but a lot of them may be a hormone problem. My digestive system is all messed up but also other things. I also had an ear infection. I had to get 4 new prescriptions, stop the antibiotic I was previously on, and continue taking my other two medicines. 

I'm feeling better after the medicine cocktail they gave me at the ER and the pills. But I'm still stressed. I officially will never respect a small group of guys in Pat's company. I won't get in to it, but I am livid.

I can't wait till he's home. ♥

February 22, 2011

some people want to win the lottery, I just want to wake up in the morning and not have to miss you

Soo... I'm in Ohio. The day after I got here I had to go to Urgent Care. I was advised that you can get in a lot faster than at the ER so I figured let's try. And I got in very fast. There were no patients even there. I think it's a newer facility because before I left for NC, I didn't know our area had an Urgent Care, besides at the hospital. But anyway, it's pretty serious. The Doc said most likely a stomach ulcer and I need to see a gastroenterologist asap. She prescribed me medicine and told me all this stuff. I'm tired of going over it though... sorry guys. But basically the blood in my stool is a bad sign, duh. And there's nothing I can do till I see a specialist. And I don't want to jump around docs so as long as the medicine kicks in- which it hasn't, then I can make the trip back to NC and see my primary doc. And the only way Pat can come home was if I went to the ER and contacted the Red Cross so they contact his command. Luckily his command is allowing him to keep his phone on him. Too bad I didn't find that out till after I went to Urgent Care. If this medicine doesn't work then I'm going to the ER and going through the process of getting Pat to come get me. It's very painful and uncomfortable and I really want him to come to the doc with me. If it wasn't so serious, I wouldn't care. And being that he's not deployed yet, I'll take advantage of the situation and have him come. Plus I can't drive very long myself. I get so nauseas and I really need him to drive while I sit with the barfbag. Fun Fun. Oh. Yea.

PS- like my new layout :) ?

February 13, 2011

It may say US Marines over his heart, but it belongs to me

So... I still wasn't feeling good yesterday, and it's been a week since I started not feeling well. Pat bought me a pregnancy test since some of the symptoms sound similar. It was negative, which like I think I said before, is a good thing. I kind of felt better this morning. Yesterday was BADDD... very bad. It's hard to explain, there is slight nausea, constant headache, but it was SO bad yesterday. Bloating, and somewhat constipation but I went to the bathroom twice! Heaviness all over. Cramping, sharp pain in stomach. Also the chest pains have gone away slightly. Well when I woke up, I felt a little better. I didn't notice the bloating as much (I gained 4 lbs from yesterday morning to yesterday night which can be normal if you're drinking a lot of water and eating A LOT. I barely drank anything but I had a big dinner, no other food through out the day). My stomach didn't even feel very crampy. Well I had to go to the bathroom this morning, early. This isn't normal for me to go this much. And mind you only 10 hours before had I gone to the bathroom. Well I went and... there was blood in my stool. I'm definitely going to have to go to the doc's now. Since we're going home in two days though... I'm going to have to find someone to check me at home. And I don't think my old doc accepts Tricare, but I'll have to see. =( Blah. I've heard people say if your canine or maybe it's your first premolar, (its your third or fourth tooth) if they are yellow/stained while other teeth aren't it could alert to bowel or intestine problems. The funny thing is, is my sister has always had those particular teeth much discolored than her others, and she used to have problems with her intestine. Well, I noticed the other day while I was looking at recent pictures of myself, those teeth are much yellower than I've ever seen them in 24 years.... and this was before I started feeling really bad. It's so discouraging to me because I was losing weight and now I'm gaining! And I shouldn't be!


February 12, 2011

movie night; unsuccessful

Pat feel asleep about an hour into the first movie. That's no fun. Mom and I did watch both Paranormal Activity 1 and 2 but it's not fun without Pat. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I know he's so tired though. His unit is retarded and he has to report early, earlier than most, and stay well after most. This is an every day thing. Not once in a while... and it sucks to hear other wives brag about what time their Marine gets off. Whatever. He needs his rest though, training for the next month is going to suck for him.

I realized that I can't sleep unless I drink. I think that's bad... I don't have the urge to drink but I want to sleep so bad! I can't turn my brain off though. This sucks.

I think when I get back from visiting home, and Pat's gone, I'm going to advertise myself as a baby sitter and start there instead of applying places. Just a thought.

Pat woke up and is like a zombie walking from the living room floor to the bedroom ;) I better get off of here. Night♥

February 11, 2011

My YouTube Channel!

Youtube Channel; Slow Wind

Please check out my YouTube channel! I have uploaded new videos of Catherin and Robert and what Marines do in their spare time! 

if I could live in my dreams...

I haven't been sleeping at night. Which means I haven't had very clear dreams, not like normal. Or they're short and I don't remember them. Some mornings I do wake up and remember, vividly what has happened, though. Last night, I had a dream that wasn't a repeat but the setting was. I think Pat and I buy this house. This amazing, big, beautiful house. He's nowhere in the dream, though. He wasn't in the first one either. The house has furniture from the last owners and it's beautiful furniture. Antique kind of, but in very good shape. Dark mahogany. Intricate designs. Something from years ago that you would keep 'in the family'. They have cleaned almost everything out of these pieces of furniture. (They're bureaus, desks, stands, cabinets, pieces like that) Not everything was cleaned out, like note book papers are folded up still in the drawers or notepads with letters and lists. I go through the house showing my mom every room and every time I walk past the furniture I can't wait to have the house to myself so I can go through it and see what they left inside them. It's strange, but I didn't have a bad feeling about this house. I was in love with it. There were at least 4 bedrooms that I can remember. A den with large mahogany, office furniture that exits out onto a private deck. Off of almost every room is a deck/balcony that I fall in love with every time I walk on to. The way the rooms were built, the size, and the uniqueness is everything I would love in a house. I wish I could print out my dreams and save the blueprints to that house!!! It's my dream house! and I didn't even see all of it! 
The dream was going all good until the end..
My dreams shift from places to places. I was in the house and decided to walk out from the den to the deck. As I walk outside, the outside setting doesn't match the inside of the house. From the outside, you don't see the house you see this kinda like a resort building. Something you would see on a Caribbean resort. Dark wood, circular buildings/bungalows. The only difference is this building is enormous. And there's decks that connect the whole thing. It's very pretty and I would love to stay in a resort like this. In the middle, where the den in 'my' house would be, is the main commercial part of the 'resort' (or whatever this place it). By commercial I mean, each deck (picture a cylinder shaped building with 5 or so floors, that are open and decks circle them and stairs) has a restaurant or shop. Well there's tons of people here. And we're walking around these decks. I don't exactly know where I was heading but basically the deck just abruptly ends. And actually at that point I think I was scaling the side of the building... like on a ledge. Well I'm not alone remind you there were people following me also. But what happens next is crazy. Basically, like I said these floors/decks are open and are restaurants or shops. Well the side I was one, that 'ended' was near a back door. There was a 'back door' on each floor. As I'm standing on this ledge wondering what to do next, while people are laughing and eating and talking all around me, a waitress, steps out backwards through the door. The thing is, even the ledge I'm standing on ends at that door. She's holding plates or something and literally falls to her death right in front of me. Naturally, in my dream I didn't know how high I was up until I watched her fall probably 2 floors or something. I saw her make contact with the ground and people all around us, just stared or screamed. It was sooo weird. I saw someone die! What kind of message is that?! I don't even know what to think. I woke up shortly after this, I ended up walking through 'my' house and my mother was there. I think I felt like I wanted her to leave and packed her stuff maybe ? (There may be truth to this part of the dream. She's visiting and has been here with us in the apartment for a month. In a week we'll both be going back to OH and she isn't coming back with me) 

Ughh... all I know is I wish I could draw the house and all the detail in the rooms. I wish I could draw the floor plans. I want that house.

February 9, 2011

The nights I don't dream about you, are the nights I stay up just thinking of you.

I don't feel good at all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I did drink too much on Super Bowl Sunday and was hungover Monday, but I shouldn't be feeling like crap still. And the way I felt Monday wasn't normal either. Pat decided we should get a pregnancy test. We aren't trying to have a baby and it would be very unlikely that I could have even gotten pregnant. But I just feel weird, too weird. And it could explain it. Mom agrees. 

This would not be good timing for a baby, though. Not at ALL. And Pat will be veryyyyy upset. Mad, even. We just couldn't do it. And I know he firmly believes that if he dies in Afghan, then a baby would be a burden for me. And he refuses to get me pregnant and then die. Which is absolutely ridiculous. A baby would help me cope with his death if that happened and then I would have a piece of Pat with me always. He doesn't see it that way and we argue about it all the time. I've talked to other Marine wives and their husband's have the same messed up concept. Guys are dumb. 

My head feels like it's just going to roll off of my shoulders. I feel so lazy. I don't want to move. I don't want to leave the house. I lose weight when I drink then two days later I've gained 4 pounds and I barely ate anything! I've been working out and not losing weight. Adjusted my eating habits, yes some days I fail. Headaches constantly. Not consistent bowel movements, chest pain above my breasts, cramps when I'm no where near my period. I should go to the doctor but I'll be leaving after Pat does, to go home and get my name changed [FINALLY] and that's soon.

Maybe when I get back. But I know I'm just going to wait it out and let my body do it's thing.


February 8, 2011

Is it wrong of me...

Is it wrong of me to pay more attention to writing my thoughts down and venting, when Pat's not home? I feel like when he leaves I do post more, it's like therapy. But when he is here, I'm just as stressed but for some reason I don't vent on here. Which in turn, I think, makes me bottle up everything ten times worse. It's like if he's here, I have to forget about my problems and be there for him. Which I'm totally, 100% there for him. I know I will never ever go through what he is going to go through. I know that most people will never see what he will see while he's deployed. BUT, I can't help but realize I put myself second to him while he's home. And I just don't think it's healthy. Not for me, or him, or our relationship.

I think I will try more to do what I need to do for myself and us, and not always let it seem like I'm putting myself last. I really feel that I let Pat control me. For example: when Pat wants/needs to go to bed, I have to come with him. It's the sweetest thing ever, to hear someone say they need you. To say they can't sleep without you and that if you're not there with them, they don't feel safe. BUT, I lose valuable 'alone' time or maybe catching up on my favorite tv show that won't be on after the season is over. Or maybe cleaning, or laundry, things I would do before I would normally go to bed. But I'm somewhat forced to let those things go, try to get everything done before he gets off work the next day, and then go to bed with him when it's his bed-time. I don't think that's healthy because I think I'm already getting irritated by it and one day I'm going to lash out on him. And I don't want to do that. I just want him to realize, I'm here. Maybe a few times a week, I'll come to bed when I'M ready. I don't tell him when to eat, go to bed, or anything. I just want him to realize we can't do that to each other. What happens when we have a kid?! The kid will have to come first, not Pat.


Little update: cat's fixed. They had it fixed in less than a week. Bad part was, my transmission went. $5000. Ya, this car is definitely bad luck. I think it's the blue. So now, the money I had withdrawn for my credit card debt, was used to get the car fixed so I could get a job and now I'm still in debt. And I'm probably going to go faulty on my bills because I don't think I'll get a job before I run out of the little money I have to make minimum payments. It sucks. Mom said it good though. Did I really think I was going to get ahead? I'm too young to have 'gotten ahead' and to be set. It's just not fair. I'm so lucky I didn't pay all my bills the week before it happened. If I had, I have no idea how I would have gotten the car fixed.

Pat will be leaving soon for training. And it's been extended. Which sucks. I was only supposed to be 2 weeks, now it's a month. And on top of that, Pat was told he had to buy mandatory tickets to the unit's special dinner or something (haven't gotten full details yet) well I'm not sure if I heard him correctly but the tickets were either $150 a piece for both of us or $150 for the both of us. Either way, we don't have $150 to spare for a stupid dinner. I won't be able to pay 2 bills now. And he tried to tell his Ssgt but it's mandatory. I don't want to go! I guess it's formal which means I will have to go buy a dress or skirt, being that I don't have nice, formal ones! So I'm going into even more debt.

I don't know why this is happening to us, but I will take whatever punishment God is giving me and hope it will be over soon so I can work on getting our financial life back in order! UGH.