February 20, 2008

Bitchfest 2008; Doubting.

Don't you hate when people doubt you? That's the worst thing you can do to me. I'll never forget it, and it will forever piss me off. And I think it makes me so angry because once they doubt you, even if its 3 years down the road that you did what THEY said you would or wouldn't do... they're still like, "Told ya so! See I knew you couldn't do it!" I hate that. Why do you care so much about what I'm doing? People spend so much time worrying and trying to give advice to someone else, that they miss what's going on with them and screw up they're own lives. (Which is funny.) Not that their advice is any good, though. Its just advice to get you to do what they want. Because everyone has a little control-freak in them. And thinks they know what is best for everyone else. So don't doubt me, have some goddamn faith or hey, just stay out of my business! :) I'd like that a lot!

February 8, 2008

cleaning my life out.

Happy Birthday Erica! Hope you enjoy this one and many more! I wish you the best and stay safe!

My mother is a clean freak. She assumes I'm not going to clean, so she feels the need to remind me everyday that my room 'will not be a mess'. I woke up today with the intentions of cleaning. And throwing everything that was useless away. I was in the mood to clean since last night. Which means I want to accomplish something. Something obviously is bothering me, for me to want to clean! I am really stressed out... but I can't pin point one thing. Oh well. I feel a lot better now. And I cleared a lot of things out. I wish I could just throw everything away and start new! It would be so nice if I didn't have to go through all the boxes to see what's exactly in them. I would just park a dumpster next to my window and start throwing shit out! That would be nice.

I don't know if I want to straighten my hair today or go wave-y.
Dinner at 5 for Erika! Can't wait!
VDay boxes with Amanda, later! I need to get creative.
Hockey game? Not sure.

I think I'm going to practise the piano. Its relaxing.
[peace out]

February 7, 2008

Too late.

I'm relieved that you understand now. You actually understand what I've been trying to tell you for the last three months. I know you don't understand everything, but you understand enough that I think we can actually start moving on. I know it hurts, it still hurts me. But its different this time. I know I'm not supposed to be with you and I know this in my heart. You know I don't hate you. I never could actually hate you. I don't forgive you for the things you've done, though. No matter how many times you say sorry. And yes, I hold them against you. Even when I know you've changed, I probably still will. Its just hard to believe someone can actually change their ways and habits. Like last time, you didn't do the things you did but the habits were still there. You subsided and hid them. But every once in a while, you would slip and I saw the signs. The habits were coming back. And you can't make excuses and blame it on what you were doing at that point in time. I don't care, I admit that what you were doing does change people, but You could have taken control over it. I did. You didn't see me change.

I'll never forget what we had and I never, never will regret Us. We had our good times, there just was alot of bad times. And it got bad enough, that I realized we're not meant to be. I'll always be in your life, if you want me to. I'll never deny you a friendship. In the end I know you'll always be there for me. Our love isn't just a 'relationship love' its a 'life long' love. No matter what I'll always care about you. I could never not care. We've been through too much. I'll always be here. And I know You will too.