December 29, 2010

countless nights

On countless nights I lay awake crying.
I rub your head, trying to never forget the way your hair feels against my skin.
Memorizing the shape of your lips and how long your eyelashs are
Trying to burn the image of you in my mind forever.
I never want to forget you.

As I lay awake thinking of all the memories we've shared,
I try to match your breathing and slow my heart beat down to yours.

I wonder what you're dreaming of.
I try to decipher every grunt you make and wonder what battle you're fighting tonight.
When you kick your legs and turn over, I wonder who you were running from.

I wonder if I fall asleep,
if I could save you in my dream.
As I lay awake crying
I hope you'll wake and wipe my tears as they fall.

As I lay awake watching you sleep,
I think of how much I don't want you to leave
Wishing I could tell you.
As I lay awake thinking of what you're going to go through,
I know you're laying next to me safe.
You're here with me now and that's all that matters.

As I lay awake crying I think if you're going there to fight for me? And if you're going to come back like you promise?

As I lay awake I eventually wipe my tears and know I have another day with you.

If I could give you anything
I would give you my heart to wear around your neck like I would wear your dog tags around mine.

If I could fight for you,
Like you fight for me
I would.

But I do, every night.
Every night as I lay awake and pray that I am so thankful to have someone to miss so much.
Someone I will always wait for until they come back home.

I lay awake knowing I'm putting up a good fight
And I'm strong enough
My love for you could never fail
As I lay awake
Know I'll be laying here every day
Waiting while you're gone
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December 17, 2010

Operation Always Faithful book is on the market ;) Link to purchase Operation Always Faithful

For anyone who doesn't know, it's a compilation of true stories from girls in relationships with their service men (I'm not sure if it's just Marine couples or not)

But the reason I'm actually blogging about it (I do plan on buying it eventually) is because I didn't know there was a site where you could publish your own books! Haha, I was excited about the book but even more excited about the site... I have to check the site out more but this might come in handy! I want to make a cook book of my fave recipes and you can do this on this site ( I'm excited to say the least!

Pat's got back from the field yesterday! I had a feeling they would be done early. He was pretty heated about everything that had gone on in the field. I felt bad. But let's just say that was the 'funnest' night Pat and I had in a long time! If ya know what I mean ;) It was like when we were younger... I know, we're not that old -- BUT! Things have changed! Haha. I mean we've been together almost 7 years, it felt like we had already been married 4 years ago!!! I'm not complaining though, it was just nice to have 'fun' like we used too.

Today he's been standing by since he got to base. He's just laying in the car. I understand that our military might not have something to do every single day and when you think about it, active duty is like salary. They're on-call 24/7 and have no set hours of work because they aren't paid by the hour. I just don't understand how they can't find SOMETHING to do. Like, why don't they have classes they can attend like maybe ones where they get a certificate or something. Or why aren't there more first-aid classes. Pat hasn't attended one and I remember Shuler going to some while Pat was in boot camp. ??? I just don't see why they sit and do nothing. All day. Or I think they should make them go to the rec or something. It's pretty useless for Pat to sit in his car close to the barracks, when they could at least let him venture to the rec and work out a little. I mean he's only a phone call away.

Enough venting. I need to make a grocery list ;)

December 14, 2010

Getting settled in

I feel like I'm neglecting my blog, haha! We've been so busy with moving and everything that I completely forgot about it. 

Well let's see... we finally moved all our furniture from Ohio! TMO is a little bit of a pain, if anyone would like any info on it, I'd be happy to share my experience and tips :) It was a rough ride back to NC in the moving truck. We got the 26 foot diesel and it was like riding in a semi. It was a fun trip back though. We laughed and joked around a lot. Poor Pat had to drive the whole way though. I felt bad but I couldn't drive that big truck, I have horrible depth perception and distance judgement as it is lol. Love him to death! We got some of the stuff out of the truck and in the apartment the next day and then his friend came, with his roomie, and helped Pat with all the furniture. It was a really exhausting 2 days, but I was so happy to finally be able to sleep in the bed and not on the air mattress. The furniture fits well in the apartment and all the rooms, this apartment is actually pretty big. Bigger than the apartments back home. Pat's bedroom set and king size bed are large pieces, and we still have enough room in our bedroom so that it doesn't feel claustrophobic! In the spare bedroom we put my twin size bed and dresser and there's even more room to move around. I actually really like this apartment. I don't know if I'll want to move when the lease is up. Which we have to decide what we're going to do because Pat will be deployed when the lease is up and I'm not moving all this stuff myself and then choose an apartment and have him come home and hate the new one. He's so picky. That's why we need to choose things together. I told him to just renew the lease now. 

Hmmm what else.... Pat's in the field for a week. :( It sucks without him. This just puts into perspective how bad its going to suck when he's deployed. Not looking forward to it. We don't know when his leave is for Christmas yet. That kinda sucks, since it's really close!

I need to find a job but my car isn't here yet... yes after months of waiting for it, my mother screws me. I could punch her. She's so sneaky and manipulative and has to be in control of everything!!! Ughhhhhh. I told her I didn't get in an accident and 'almost' die for her to get a new f'cking car. She screwed me good though. If you've read my other posts about the car situation, I'm pretty sure I mentioned how the money was in the bank to pay for the repair bill. (And mom's on it and the account is secured in a way neither of us can touch the money unless we both sign off on it) Okay, and then Dad and I came to an agreement that I  would pay half back to him ($2500) Well what did Mom do when she went to pay the bill??? USED HER OWN DAMN MONEY INSTEAD OF THE MONEY IN THE BANK ACCOUNT. So guess who I owe now. MY MOTHER and she wants the FULL BILL PAID BACK. Which ended up being $5300. Yes, I realize I own the car and I can call the police but honestly do you think I'd do that to my own family member? No. Plus knowing her, she'll end up letting me keep the 5000 in that bank account. But I don't care, I don't want to owe her anything! Plus I can't fucking pay her 5300 anytime soon, so guess who's driving my damn car, HER! And I can't get a damn job if I don't have a damn car in NC. I'm so pissed. She can be such a bitch. And to make everything worse, I'm in credit card debt and I have an opportunity to get out of it. Since I left my job in Ohio, I can cash out my 401k which was pretty padded for that last 5 years, and I can get out of debt. BUT I'm afraid of the tax penalties and other penalties. But everyone keeps telling me just do it. I'm young enough where it won't matter and I need to get out of the credit card interest that's burying me. But then I have mom freaking out and telling me not to even think of doing it. 

I don't know what to do! I don't know how it will effect my taxes this year. 
But I need out of the debt because I can't pay the damn bills because I don't have a job! And Pat can't help me stay afloat yet.

So frustrating.

I think I just stressed myself out. :( 
Gotta go.