June 29, 2010

Day 29 [Love has a curious way of finding its way through oceans and skies; distance is never a barrier.]

Got a letter from Pat today. It was from three days, combined. They were obviously busy last week. Apparently he had pneumonia and didn't tell me. He's doing fine though! He sounds happy and content. He talked about all the pt'ing and obstacle course kicked his ass but he did well. He also told me about what he eats and how he realizes all the things he takes for granted down there. And how he reminisces to himself about me and about all the things were going to do =) It was a nice letter. Swim week started today, and I hope he's doing good. He was nervous about the floating. But Shuler had informed us that its not normal floating. They wear these jackets and they blow them up and they have to float for a few minutes or something and you just keep blowing into the jacket. Pat will be fine, I know it.

On a bad note: I lost Pat's letter from the other day. The REALLY GOOD one =( I had it on the bed shelves the other night because I was going to read it before I fell asleep and decided I was too tired. I left it there, like I always do, and now its missing. I'm really upset because it was the best letter I've received and it had all the things I needed to hear in it. I'm so upset. I don't remember putting it anywhere else and the only other place could have been my gym bag. (I take it to work with me and sometimes I think I'll want to read the letters on break, although I never do) But I really don't remember putting it in there! I'm so pissed at myself. Hopefully it'll turn up.

I have to work today and I don't want to. I think I've been complaining about not wanting to work a lot because its always the same shift. 3 to midnight. And I never get a break from it! Everyone else gets 4-10s, 3-10, 6-2am, but I'm stuck with 3-12s the whole month?? UGH. And then to make matters worse, for whatever reason I was scheduled EIGHT days in a row... they're ALL TILL MIDNIGHT. Really now? What exactly did I do to deserve that. Uhm, I'll tell you. NOTHING. Because I bust my ass at that place and they're lucky they have an employee like me. I'm so pissed. I really hate them.

I'm gonna get ready for work.
[Good luck to the recruits of platoon 2058 on their first day of swim quals!]

June 27, 2010

Day 27 [Love has a curious way of finding its way through oceans and skies; distance is never a barrier]

I missed a few days, but that's okay. Its probably better that way. It meant I was out doing stuff and keeping busy.

I got A letter from Pat yesterday(Saturday). He was 1 out of 5 recruits on the WHOLE island chosen for Presidential Duty. His senior DI told him its a really big deal. He kind of doesn't want it though, he didn't say why. But I know why. He wants to go to Afghanistan and actually be in active war zones. I think he should do the pres thing for a little. I think it would be cool. Pat doesn't understand why he was picked. I was telling Ash maybe because of the strength he's shown(they're impressed by, for his size) and his eagerness to learn and being that he's a bigger guy(muscles), maybe that's what they want. If I was the pres, I wouldn't want scrawny guys protecting me, even if they are Marines, no offense, I just like buff guys with big muscles. =) I think its honorable to be security for the pres. That letter was from like 5 days ago, so I don't know what's happened since. He said he had to go to a presidential screening and take a test. Maybe I'll get a letter tomorrow.

I hate Sundays. They are the worst and I wake up always from a bad night's sleep, with strange dreams, and feeling like crap. And then it turns into the worst feeling ever! That lonely, gut-wrenching, sadness. UGH I hate it! I don't really know why Sundays are like this. I mean, ya there's no mail- but usually that means 2 letters on Monday! And Pat and I never really did anything special on Sundays sooo why do I get this horrible feeling? It makes me not want to do anything and I work 3 to midnight and its truck night. BLAH.

There's some drama that's been going on this past week too. A) haven't gotten my car back, I hope that's not a bad thing considering Luxury Imports never contacted me so now I have to spend $2000 to get it fixed. I would hate for it to be more than that. and B) I'm still having to find rides to/from work or use mom's car (which I hate driving) when she let's me, while Stephen drives Pat's truck around. That I was supposed to have till my car was fixed. That was also supposed to be getting fixed to be sold. That has over 100000 miles on it and I was only driving 4 miles to work and back, but Stephen is driving all over Gods creation! That was to be used by Mr. Carey because "supposedly" his car broke down- that's what Stephen claimed.

I told Pat I love him, but I don't love them.
They have no respect for me and they obviously don't care about me. And then Mrs. C has the nerve to text me and ask me about my car, knowing damn well I don't have it- STEPHEN comes into SHEETZ and sees my car isn't in the DAMN PARKING LOT!!! Then when I say no. She doesn't respond. UGHHHHHH.Pat wrote her telling her Stephen was not to be driving the truck (Pat does own the truck so he can) and he told her this BEFORE he left. I can't be wait to move and be done with everyone in this area!!!!!! (No offense to the people I do like)

I hate family drama.

I have to get a shower and try to relax before work. :\
I love you, Pat♥

June 24, 2010

Day 24 [The happiest day I've had so far and its all because of a letter]


The wait was worth it!! Pat's letter that came today was from Sunday. On Sunday's they get more time to write so the letters are always longer and detailed. This one was everything I've ever asked of him and more! He wrote everything I needed to hear and it was amazing! I love him so much and I can't wait tell he's home. I can't even describe the feeling I got when I read this one. It was amazing. ::sigh:: I feel like I'm love struck all over again!! I haven't felt this strongly in love with him for years [remember we've been together 6.5 years next month and we've had our problems] ♥♥♥♥ That rush you get when you see your love, is what I got reading his letter! I'm so happy =) I think I'm going to go read it again!!

Hope everyone's having a good day!
Jessi ♥'s Pat

June 23, 2010

Day 23 [♥]

No letter today, second day in a row. =( I know I shouldn't think he's going to be able to write every day, but its hard not to wish for it. It sucks, even though the letters are 4 days behind, still getting one gives me this [false] hope that he's okay. Because if he's fine, he'll write. His last two letters on Monday sounded different, but maybe it was just in my head. He didn't sound upset or sad, or home sick, just different. He does say he's loving it there and thinks he was born for this. I'm so happy and proud of him. I'm glad he's liking it and if he's liking it, I know he's trying his hardest. Hopefully I get my car back soon [crossing my fingers for sometime this week!] As soon as I get it, I'm going to the roadside chapel and lighting a candle for him and the other guys in platoon 2058. =) [Maybe the mailbox will have a surprise for me tomorrow]

June 22, 2010

Day 22 [I finally figured out the Matrix!]

I'm so excited, I finally figured out the Matrix. I printed it out yesterday and its in calendar form but without dates and I figured out when Pat had arrived at Parris Island and it all adds up so now I can follow him! On the Parris Island forum they put the week up and what the recruits are doing day to day. But I couldn't figure out if those were the current week or the week before but now I got it all figured out. I'm so happy. I saw when the Gas Chamber is, and that makes me a little nervous but I know Pat will over come anything put in his way!

I colored my shout out signs for Pat. I might try to take a few pics before I go to work today. I wrote I love and miss you xoxo, and split it between four papers. So, I'll have four photos then I think I'll put them together instead of sending them separately. He'll like it. And I just got my hair colored so he's going to LOVE the blonde =)

I wanted to update real quick but I gotta go.
I didn't get a letter today, so my day's a little thrown off but there's always tomorrow!!


June 21, 2010

Marine Girlfriend Boot Camp Statement

Marine Girlfriend Boot Camp

I feel like I’m in boot camp
Boot Camp for Marine Girlfriends
I’m learning how to become self sufficient
I’m learning my true feelings for my man
I’m learning how to sleep on my own

To not eat, to not sleep, to be deprived of what was “normal living” for me
I’m being questioned and learning how to answer the hardest ones of all.
How do you do it without him?
Why do you put yourself through this?
Why do you stay with him?

My love, my body, and my mind are going through rigorous training.
My heart will face a Crucible
In the end I will come out a Marine Girlfriend
One that knows her duties, commitment, and place in the Marine Corps.

I will learn how to engage in conversation with complete strangers.
I will learn to use and be patient with the United States Post Office.
I will learn how to train my mind, not to break down every second of the day
I will do all of this in 13 weeks, miles away from my man.

And on his graduation day, I too will have accomplished something.
I will have stood behind him and stood there for myself.
I will come out with honor, courage, sacrifice,
and above all commitment to my Marine.

Day 21 [I missed a Day!]

Its okay, I wasn't laying in bed all day yesterday being depressed! I was actually with the girls getting my mind off things and having a good day. It was nice. I still would rather be with Pat and missed him, but I didn't think about him ALLLLLL day long. We talked about him a lot though. =) Its bittersweet.

Fits the day:
"Eat that damn chocolate cake, get your hair wet, love someone, dance in those muddy puddles, tell someone off, draw pictures with crayons like you're still 6 years old and then give it to someone who is very important to you. Take a nap, go on a vacation, do a cartwheel, make your own recipe, dance like no one sees you, paint each nail a different color, take bubble bath, laugh at a corny joke. Get on that table and dance, pick strawberries, take a jog, plant a garden, make an ugly shirt and wear it all day, learn a new language, write a song, date someone you usually wouldn't go for, make a scrapbook, go on a picnic, relax in the sun, make your own home video, kiss the unkissed, hug the unhugged, love the unloved, and life your life to the fullest. So when you're standing in front of heaven's gate that chosen day, you'll have no regrets, no sorrows, no disappointments."

I'm doing good. Pat's doing good. Everything is good. ♥

June 19, 2010

June 18, 2010

Day 18 [LettersOfLove]

:) I'm happy today. Got another letter from Pat and he said he would also write me every day!! I'm so happy to know that. He says he "expects" me to write every day to or he'll be pissed lol... he's missing some of my letters and I think that's why he thinks I'm not writing a lot. He also said... something about this little thing... called...


He says he wants to when he gets home and then I can come to Camp Leguene(sp?) with him after SOI!! Aghhh!! I told him I want it to be a surprise still... so he can't openly talk about it or 'plans' =) He said he was going to ask for recruiter's assistant also so he could stay for a month.

I'm sooo happy!!! I love my baby!

I'm running really late and have to work in a little so I'll update more tomorrow!


June 17, 2010

Day 17 [My heart belongs to you]

I got two letters from Pat today!! He wrote that he finally received one of mine! I'm so relieved and happy. He wrote one of his letters on Sunday so he had extra time to write and it was four pages long!! He asked me all kinds of questions and told me about stuff down there.
He has 'portholes' (glasses) but doesn't have to wear them until the rifle range. The first day he wore them, they called him Drew Carey(his last names Carey) and he thought it was funny, but not really LOL. Pat's kind of a clean freak and said they change their cami's every 3 days so he's grossed out by it and they are still using the same bath towel since he got there. Now, if you know Pat, you would know he uses a clean bath towel EVERY time he showers including if he showers twice a day. Needless to say, his house has a million bath towels. Well you can imagine how grossed out he is by having to use the SAME one, for how many weeks now? YEA! haha... he's hating it! He said he's still catching hell because of his weight and when they go to chow, the menu has calories on it so he picks the healthiest. They only pt 3 times a week for two hours and I think that's why he's gaining weight. He says it sucks because he can out run 3/4 of the plt and do more crunches and pullups and does things right, but his senior DI thinks if you "don't have a good body, then you don't care about anything and are a piece of crap". So it doesn't matter how well Pat's doing in anything else. He's still "fat". That's discouraging to me but Pat says he won't let anything break him and he loves it down there. He thinks he was meant for this and really enjoys it. He said none of the name calling, quarter-decking, or messing around with gets to him. I'm happy he's doing good. I was afraid he'd hate it. But luckily he proved me wrong!

He says the whole platoon is sick now and I feel horrible. I would love to send cough drops because he said his throat hurts. I don't know how many are in his plt all together though and you have to send enough for all of them. And I'm not sure I have the money for that and shipping. But maybe? I don't know.

I feel better but I'm still anxious. As soon as I get a letter and read it over about twice, I get anxious for the next one! And what if one doesn't come tomorrow?? I'll be edgy all day today, waiting for tomorrow to come just so I can hear from Pat. Writing letters doesn't seem to curb it either. I just end up wanting to tell him more and then I'll write too much. And I don't want to overwhelm him with useless info. I hate not being able to talk to him!

Sometimes I get this aching for him to be around. I just miss him so much and it'll creep up on me out of nowhere. I'm okay for a while if I'm staying busy, but even that doesn't work all the time. Luckily I can go on that forum and read what other people are doing and it takes my mind off of Pat, for a little.

Today's my day and I know I should go to the Y but I really just want to relax. I don't feel like fighting the traffic or getting dressed, haha.. maybe I'll go...


Some superheroes wear capes; mine wears combat boots

"This is for those of us who would rather wear dog tags than diamonds. For those of us who still sleep with stuffed animals, just because he got them for us. This goes out to those of us who never let go of her cell phone. This goes out to those of us whose heart swells with pride every time the national anthem is played. This goes out to the proud women who stand tall behind a United States Marine. We sit and we wait, for a letter, for a phone call, and for the lucky ones; a homecoming. Many people don't understand this life; they say it's unfair, they say they couldn't do it. Well, here is our response... Do not tell us you're sorry, or that you know how we feel. Don't try to make us laugh when we're sad, we don't want to laugh, we'd rather sit and think about our man. We may not be "happy" with all of this, but we don't mind waiting."

[Save a humvee, ride a Marine]

These made me smile ;)

June 16, 2010

Day 16 [Staying Strong]

I didn't get a letter today. :( I hope he's gotten some of mine. I'm so frustrated. I had to write a letter. But I'm going to save it for a couple days. I really don't have extra money to buy another book of stamps right now, so I don't want to go through them too fast. Plus I wrote Uncle Eddie and Freddie to tell them about Pat. So I've gone through 3 stamps already! Haha... who knew the mailbox would become my best friend?

I still haven't gotten a call from Preston saying my cars done. Which is a little scary because he said it wouldn't take but maybe a week to do. Unless they didn't work on it during the weekend? Idk... I just want my beamer back! :(

I have to work today. I don't really want to. Its till midnight and that always sucks.

I ordered some stuff from CafePress! I got a cute Marine Corps tote bag and a zip-up hoodie with semper fi on the back. Its really cute, hopefully it fits. I think it was a JR size... oops.

I'm exhausted and I just woke up haha... I probably should eat some fruit or something! Hopefully I get a letter tomorrow!

[Good luck to the guys in plt 2058 today!!♥]

June 15, 2010

Day 15 [With the good comes the bad]

I GOT MY FIRST LETTER!!!!!!!! I also got a letter today!!! I was so happy yesterday, I can't even explain. It was the greatest feeling in the world and Pat sounded good!! He even joked! I keep reading the letter over and over :) It makes my day! He wrote about how he thinks about me every second of the day and how much he misses me. And that being down there gives you a different perspective on life. He joked and said "its like hell took a vacation and came here its so hot". He also said its like summer camp from hell but he was enjoying himself. [I miss the sound of his voice]

But... I just went outside and got the second one and its not good. He sounds discouraged but hanging in there. He has gained weight and they won't let him eat less he was told he has to be 186 when he graduates and he was 223 the other day. When he got there he was around 200. He says the senior DI said he might drop him and Pat has no discipline. But he says they only eat 3 times a day and he's sweating like crazy. I cried. I feel so helpless. And of course to make the letter even worse he said that everyone else has been getting called for mail call except for him. That tore my heart apart. I hope he realizes its probably because we live further away then the other guys. I miss him so much. And he doesn't put the date on his letters so not knowing when this weighing happened makes me nervous. I hope he got my letters today.

I feel so helpless. And so bad for him :( I was up all last night because I felt really nervous and sick and anxious. I didn't know why, but this confirmed it.

And on top of all that this past weekend there were 4 motorcycle accidents or something. I heard about 2. 1 was really really really bad and the kid died and I'm not sure about the other ones. WELL... yesterday(Monday) CORY my cousin in Florida was in a really bad motorcycle accident!! I don't have all the detail but he had surgery and is still in the hospital. He was swerving to miss a dog. Today's his birthday. Scary.

I'm going to try to relax.

June 14, 2010

Day 14/88... wishing for the mailman to bring a letter

I got off work an hour ago and I can't make myself go to bed. This only happens when Pat's not around. I think its because my mind is on overdrive and just can't calm down. It kind of sucks because I'd rather be sleeping, I've seen Pat in my dreams the last three days. But I can't seem to calm down to fall asleep fast enough. And I hope there's a letter arriving in a few hours. Every morning, as soon as I wake up, I go to the mailbox. And I walk back up the driveway with my head low because there's never anything in there that I actually want. Blah.

[FYI: Last night's dream with Pat was strange and a little scary. He was home and different. At first he wouldn't come see me even though we were a few feet apart at something like a festival. Then we took a walk and he was quiet and drawn away, like depressed. I don't remember much else, just that I didn't feel good and I didn't like it :\ I hope that's not a foreshadowing kind of dream...]

The other day I found out my neighbor's bf left for bootcamp the Monday after Pat and I just saw that one of his other friends left that same Monday too. I'm not sure if Pat knew that or not, but I'm going to write in on one of the letters I have to send to him. At least he'll see some familiar faces down there, if he sees them. I remember Megan and Shuler saw each other and actually would get to talk at church or something down there. I really hope Pat's doing okay.

Well I think I'm going to try to lay down. I'm a little nervous. About not getting a letter tomorrow and my car should be down sometime this week- maybe tomorrow and that means I have to explain to mom why we have to pay for it even though I was sold a car with a major problem. I know I keep posting that I will explain, but I don't feel like going over it again. So in short-

[I talked to an attorney and there are no lemon laws on used cars. There's no way to prove they sold the car to me that way. I would have to go through Cleveland courts and that would be long and I might not win. They knew I was over their 30 day/1000mile warranty [I didn't know this] but they still said they'd take care of the problem. The warranty they bought for me, telling me this would work, DIDN'T because it wasn't bought within 30 days of the car being bought(it was bought like 2 months later). Which Luxury Imports was surprised the warranty company said that. I knew it wasn't going to work when I sign the damn paper, but they said 'Oh no, this will.' Assholes.

SO if you're ever looking for a car in the Cleveland/Parma area. Take it from me, do not deal with

Luxury Imports, Inc.
11555 Brookpark Rd. Parma, OH 44130

They will dodge your calls and not call you back after telling you they will.
Completely unprofessional. And by the way, I called the Better Business Bureau.

Well I'm going to go... good'night. kinda...

[Half my ♥'s on ParrisIsland]

June 13, 2010

Day 13/88

I'm so impatient! I wrote Pat 3 letters! I know I should just wait till his comes, being that I sent 3 letters last week! But I can't help it. I want to tell him everything ::crossing fingers:: that maybe a letter comes Monday...

I have to go to work in an hour. Really not feeling it today :\

ugh I miss Pat.

June 12, 2010

Day 12 [I ♥ Pat Carey!]

No letter today :\ Maybe next week.
Last night was rough but the days are getting a little easier.
He's still all I think about, all day long.

Might have some girls over tonight for a bonfire.
Mom and Ash come home from Florida tomorrow.
Shadow's been sleeping in my room with me. That little furball♥

I'm in the sunken gathering room. On the computer. With The Little Mermaid playing
in the background. I'm such a kid.
I'm tired.
Its really hot today. And the air isn't on in the house yet.
But it needs to be today. The fans just aren't doing it.

I miss my babe.

June 11, 2010

Day 11 ♥

I just got done doing my bills and I feel good about them, for once! I'm starting to pay a few down and I'm so happy I'm making bigger payments. Before I couldn't because of my paycheck being split into two different accounts. But now that I changed that I'm able to actually put a dent in my balances. Its a great feeling. I also counted the exact days I've been smoke free and it has been... 125 days!!! I'm very happy about that also and glad I haven't given into any urges! I didn't get a letter from Pat yet, maybe tomorrow ::crossingfingers!::

I was going to go to the Y before work at 3 but I think I'm going to clean out the inside of Pat's truck. He never got to do it before he left and I don't want his mom thinking I did it when I give it back to her. Which hopefully should be Monday or Tuesday. I probably should get started on that soon, otherwise I know I won't do it :) As much as I want Mom and Ash to come back from Florida, I really like having the house to myself! Its a little lonely at times but its peaceful. When they get home I'm sure I'll go see Ash a lot. Well maybe, driving all the way to Alliance will hurt my gas fund and usually I would get so tired I couldn't drive and Pat would have to-- every time. So I'm not sure about all that but maybe.

I'm going to go get some things done.

June 10, 2010

Lil Wayne - Knockout ft. Nicki Minaj

The beat is perfect for summer. It makes me happy, even if the lyrics don't make sense ;)

Day 10 :)

I talked to Mrs. Cain, her son Mike was at PI a few months ago. She gave me some information and a website that shows you everything they're doing down there. I think I'm getting happier knowing I might get a letter soon. I'm mean, at night still, its hard. And I've been having really weird dreams. Pat's there, but they're getting stranger and kind of scary. I don't know what they mean but last night's dealt with suicide and a car wreck. I don't look to far into my dreams because usually they are vivid and strange but on quite a few occassions, I've had deja vu and have actually seen things in my dreams. I'm not too worried about these ones though.

I'm making Ash a cd and then maybe going to the Y early. Maybe I'll take Shadow for a walk too. Its really nice today. -- Dad left this morning so I have the house to myself until Sunday when Mom gets home. It kind of sucks that I have to stay with them until Pat get's back but I'm saving money and maybe it will help me keep busy. And not sit around and worry about Pat. I hope he's doing good and trying his hardest :)


June 9, 2010

Day 9 of 12 weeks left.

I went to the Y today. Did a really good work out and sat in the sauna. I felt good. Going to the Y makes me feel good and although it reminds me of all the times Pat and I would go, it doesn't make it bad. Mrs. C gave me Pat's address so I sent my letters. And I sent one today and I have one to send tomorrow. I can't wait to get the first one from him! I had a really good talk with my sister last night too. It was a talk I needed. I just need to stop letting my mind run wild and thinking all these bad things. And she says "let's just get him through boot camp". Lol... my little sister bringing me back down to earth! I need to stop thinking so far ahead and worrying about things that I probably won't even have to worry about. I guess I over analyze everything.

My friend had an extra ticket to see Snoop Dogg at Gossip this Friday. Gossip's the new "hot" night club 5 minutes down the road. I haven't been there yet, and I'm not sure if I will ever. But I couldn't go with her anyway, I work till midnight. Gossip's had some really good concerts since it opened(last year I think) but I'm not in the mood for that scene. Yea I want to drink, heavily. But I know I shouldn't. I want to lose weight while Pat's gone, not gain twice the amount! Plus clubs are never as much fun if your sober as they are when your drunk.

To tell you the truth, I don't feel like drinking at all. And I know Pat will find that surprising and probably think I'm lying. But I think the only reason I wanted to so much before he left was because its an escape and I was stressed. Obviously I eat when I'm stressed, but I also drink. Or want to. I don't care what Ash and Jay say, I still in all those months only drank maybe TWICE a month! And Its not my fault one beer gets me drunk... I'm pretty sure- 99% sure, I have a kidney problem and/or diabetes. I just can't afford to go to the Docs :( And I've been smoke free for over 120 days!! :) I'm fighting this really bad urge to smoke though. I've dreampt about it and its really really bad... I don't know why ??? Maybe I'll get a Black and Mild and see if that curbs it.

Well I'm rambling, just wasting time I guess.
I miss Pat :(


June 8, 2010

Day 8 [can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky, are like shooting stars]

I could really use a wish right now

I want to talk to you so bad.
I just want to hold you in my arms.
I just want to feel your heartbeat.
I just want to feel you lips kiss mine.
I want to see your smile.
Hear your laugh...

I just want to hear you say "I love you" one more time.
I want to hear you say "Its going to be okay".

I want to fall asleep next to you.
I want to check my phone and see a text from you.
I want to see you driving down my street.
I want to hear your truck in my driveway.

I just want you to hold my hand and look at me that way you do.
I see you in my dreams sometimes, but its not for long enough.
I want you hear with me.

I feel like I'm not breathing.

June 7, 2010

Be strong now
because things will get better.
It might be stormy now,
but it can't rain forever

Found out from Shuler that Pat isn't doing anything too horrible these first two weeks. Just paperwork and issuing. That kind of makes me feel better. But then I wonder what hell he'll be experiencing next week, and that makes me sad :(

Day 7 of what seems like, FOREVER.

I had to write to Pat again last night. I had to tell him how I feel. I told him I'd try to write happier letters...

More problems dealing with the car... all I want is my car back. I just want to drive it! And I feel like Mrs. C is breathing down my back about getting Pat's truck back. He doesn't even want to sell it!! And she's not going to get his payoff. Its not worth that and he knows it! I wish I could tell him. I think he went along with whatever she was saying because it wasn't what he was worried about before he left and they're going to take care of the stuff that needs fixed. Knowing him, he'll know it won't sell and then just got lucky ;)

I don't want to go to work today. I don't want to do anything. Maybe go to the Y. I have to wait around for phone calls so I don't think I'm going to the gym before work. Its 11 now and I have to be at work at 3. Ugh. Maybe tomorrow before work??

Wishing I could fast-forward life RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

June 6, 2010

Day 6 [real bad.]

I don't know what it is today. But its real bad. And I keep making it worse by thinking of all kinds of other things, too. I think I'm going to make myself sick until I get a letter from him. That has to be what it is. Maybe this week will go fast, real fast.

I went to the Y after work today. I did an elliptical for 30 mins and then walked the track. I didn't keep track of how many times... I was there a while. Just walking and thinking. Then I did the sauna for 10 mins straight. Although that really didn't do anything, I felt good afterward. And my phone started to get hot. I guess Pat was lucky to have the Otterbox on his iPhone. He could go in there for like an hour and nothing would happen to his phone. That's okay, I'm going to use my bluetooth wireless headphones, leave my phone in the locker and go in the sauna that way. I should be able to walk that far away from my phone. We'll test it out sometime this week. I don't know about tomorrow... I work 3 to 11 and I have to find out what the warranty co. is going to do about my car. And I have a bad feeling. So if all that goes bad, I have to deal with it before work. And I don't think I'll have time to go to the Y. Although I do want to :(

I'm trying to keep my mind off of Pat right now. It seems like that's ALL I'm thinking about and to make it worse one of the kids who left before him is graduating in a few days so he has liberty now... and he's been on facebook... and yea I had to read everything and it made me sad and miss Pat more. Then I had to see everyone else's statuses. And they scare me. One was something about going out on in the field for training for ten days... no cell phone. UGH... or others bitch about where they are. And I don't want Pat to hate it... what if he does? UGH. And then another minor problem... all the girls that try to talk to these guys... I don't know how I'm going to deal with that! Just another problem to think about! I'm burying myself!!

I wonder if Pat thinks about me throughout the day? I'd imagine he's to busy to... everyonce in a while I whisper I love you to him, hoping he might hear it♥

June 5, 2010

Your love is my drug


I noticed I'm missing a few dvds... :( I'm really upset about this because they were my favorites and I have no idea where they could be! Missing: Tranformers, Twilight, and The 5th Element. And those are just the ones I've noticed so far. The 5th Element was at my house last, I know for sure and its not in here. Transformers was at Pat's and I could only think that maybe Stephen has it because he had my other movies. And Twilight... I don't know... maybe at Pat's ??? I cleaned his room out completely though, and nothing of mine is left in there. So where could they be? Ugh.

So I found out that days off are even harder. Throughout today I have cried three times and I find myself completely empty. Completely lost. I know you might not want to continue to read about this but Pat told me he would read all my posts when he got back. He used to read my blog and not tell me, so I figured since I can't write to him yet, I'll explain how I'm feeling on here. And I just need to tell him. I really hope he gets to write by next week. This is so hard and I just keep thinking about everyone else who's gone to boot camp and has come back. They all were gone for months before they came home for memorial day. Some are still here, some were only here for the weekend. Some didn't get to come home. What am I going to do when its the same for Pat? Go the rest of the year without him? Because that's pretty much what it will be. And I know if I write to him and tell him all that, he'll get scared that I'm going to leave him like last time. --(When we rented a house a few years ago, he traveled with my dad and was gone a lot. And it was hard and I was young and didn't know what I wanted. so we had some problems and I told him I couldn't do it and we were breaking up. It sent him into a downward spiral that was really really bad and he ended up lying to come home from New York to save our relationship and getting fired at the same time)-- So I know what he'll think. He'll freak out and there's nothing he can do about it down there. I don't want to scare him at all, because that's not what would happen. I would not leave him because of this even though I say its hard. I'm just nervous that I won't be able to handle it and need him to tell me it will be okay. Its just how I am. I need to be reassured and deal with it day to day like I am. And some of it is because I feel like I'm not in control with any of this. Its not a normal job where he can say he wants time off and come home. I just needed to vent.

I'm watching Two and a Half Men Season 2 right now and reading College Humor's Guide to College, with Shadow in the room. I miss Harley a lot, but I'm thankful Shadow's still around. Dad's bringing something to eat, I haven't eaten all day and I'm down to 217.8 [Initial weigh in was: 221] That's something to make me smile. But I'm afraid when I do get my appetite back I'll put it back on. And if I don't start going to the Y, I'll never lose this weight. I feel really pressured.


Day 5/88... I think I counted wrong.

I'm pretty sure Pat will be gone longer than 88 days. Idk... he said his graduation would be tentatively August 27th. --- Oh, maybe I didn't... either way it feels like it has already been a MONTH! I don't know what I'm going to do when he comes home for 10 days and then has to leave for mct or itb or what ever it is. Even if I can talk to him then, it doesn't matter- I want to be with him.

Its been storming and raining the last few days, and today. And I don't care. Its how I feel. I could care less if it rained all summer. Nothing really matters to me when Pat's not around. I can't stop thinking about him. This sucks. Wow, I sound depressed. I'm surprised I haven't started drinking every night. And I'm really contemplating buying a pack of cigarettes. Half my brain wants me to and the other half says 'Jes, you know you don't want to smoke'. Which is true. I don't. But I do so bad. Maybe I'll buy a BlackandMild. That might curb this need.

I need to do some grocery shopping, so I stop eating at work. I've lost 4 pounds this week. I know I shouldn't be doing it the way I am, but I'm not really hungry. Plus I was waking up only 3 hours before work, so I wasn't hungry enough to eat breakfast. But I ate a meal at work on break and then wouldn't eat anything when I got home. I just have to watch how many energy drinks I consume... I feel like I need them at work and I've been buying the big can of Rockstar because the price is really good. But I have lost weight and that's what matters. I just have to find time and motivation to workout again. I was thinking about going to the BikeTrail today, but its raining now. Maybe I'll do the treadmill or elliptical. Maybe I'll go to the Y. I don't know. I just want to talk Pat. I just want to hear his voice...

I went on a small shopping spree online today. Usually that helps my mood, but it didn't seem to. I didn't feel happy about it. And I didn't buy anything I felt like I really needed. [I did need sandals, and got one pair] I feel gross and disgusting and just blah. I want to look good for Pat when he gets home but I feel so out of it that it depresses me even more when I think about it! Its a horrible, vicious cycle. I don't even feel like reading and usually when I'm dealing with something bad, I consume myself in a book. And I really just have no desire to do that either. Idk... I'll make it through this. I'm looking forward to Pat's first letter. I hope he hasn't changed too much from this past week.


p.s. i was creeping on fb and one of the kids pat knows that is out of bootcamp is getting ready to go to Okinawa, Japan... for 2 years. I got kind of scared.... that makes me nervous because the last Pat said, he thought even if we were married I can't go over seas with him unless he was a sergeant. And I couldn't go that long without being with him, especially if we are married. I would and will always wait for Pat, but he might not realise what this is actually doing to me. I feel sick and I don't know what can happen... :(

June 4, 2010

Day 4/88 [feeling sick]

Earlier I had it bad. I couldn't stop crying. I slept with the stuffed dog Pat gave me for Valentine's Day, all night and had it next to me all morning. I knew this would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard. And what if he isn't missing me as much? I had to write him a short note. I stuck it with the other letter. I just needed him to know how much I miss him. And then it make me think after boot camp, he leaves again. I don't want him to leave. I want to be with him. I hate this. And even worse I work again today. The last thing I want to do. No offense to them, but I don't want to be around them. I want to be alone. I think I'm going to go to the Y on Saturday after mom and Ash leave(they're going to Florida). Maybe I'll go for a walk on Sat. too. I don't know. I have to get ready for work. :(

June 3, 2010

Timbaland - If We Ever Meet Again ft. Katy Perry

LOVE This song. Its perfect for right now. ♥

Day 3. This is hard.

I think its hard because I know I have to wait so long to hear from him. And its driving me nuts. I just want to know how he's doing okay and that he's hanging in there and doing his best. Its frustrating. Every time I hear a car with a loud exhaust drive by, I think its him coming to pick me up - Even though his truck is sitting in the driveway :( I want summer to go so fast. And you would think this wouldn't be so hard. With my dad traveling since before I was born and Pat traveled with him two years ago too. And Pat was even gone for almost as long twice! But I think it is, because I have to wait to talk to him and I know he's going through hell. In his last voice message he told me to wait for him and that he was doing this for us. That it was the beginning of our lives. I just want him here with me. -- I never dream about Pat, but I started to last night. Nonsense dreams. We were goofing around before something like a basketball game or something weird, some weird place. I don't think it means anything. I think my mind was just trying to visualize him for me. Maybe I'll dream about him more. ♥

June 2, 2010

From Henry Rollins' Black Coffee Blues [cont. day 2/88]

#39: I walk straight lines. I walk through summer nights. I walk the silver rope of dreams. I walk through dawns of dawns. There's not a lot that isn't dying. I see people parading in front of each other like insect in a killing jar, watching each other die. I walk the straight lines through the Christ machines. Through the eyes of the throwaway people. Through the wards and the shores and the cracks in the skulls of the sidewalks. Through love's howling vacancy. I am the freedom soil. I dig my own grave. I resurrect myself every night. I am all things to myself. I walk the straight lines. I walk the spider's jailhouse. I walk the think line, the thin line, the white line and all the lines in between. I wish I could trade in my eyes.
Henry Rollins


Day 2 of 88 [God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight]

Its raining. And its exactly how I feel. I don't want to do anything, I just want to lay down. All day. I'm doing better today then yesterday- not as emotional! I miss him so much. Mrs. C sent me a text last night(I was at work) when she got the last phone call. He was yelling off of a script and she didn't have time to say anything. She said it sounded horrible and made her sick. She's afraid of the hell he will being going through. As much as I wanted the last phone call... maybe it was better she got it. I don't know if I could have handled it. I wrote him a letter last night too. I'll send it as soon as he writes me. I hope and pray he does great down there and I hope he's careful not to get hurt. I want him to be done on time. I can't stand being away from him. I have to work today. I don't really feel like it, but I know it will keep me sane.

I got the room cleaned up a lot this morning. Its a lot nicer now that its not cluttered. I still have things to go through, though. I alphabetized my dvd collection also. Then stood in front of all of them(which is A LOT) for ten minutes and was like "wow, I don't want to watch any of these". :( I also weighed myself. I had lost a few pounds the last couple of days. Haven't really been eating or drinking much. My weight is: 221. I've gained 40 pounds since the beginning of the year :\ My goal: to lose as much as I can! I'm just going to go for it and do what I can. I need to start going to the Y, but since I normally work till midnight, I don't get up until 11 or noon... and its hard to go to the Y before I have to be back at work. I'll make it work though.

I love you Pat.
♥ Jessi

June 1, 2010

Day 1 of 88 [i think] ♥

Well... I cried a little bit last night. And for the second night in a row, I had a nightmare as a fell asleep. It started the other night. As I was falling asleep, I thought there were bugs flying around my head... I could hear the buzzing plain as day. (Like when we were at the farm the other day and all the flies, dragonflies, and bees) And I swear in my sleep I was swatting at them. It was really freaking me out and I was still half awake. Well last night it was similar. I kept jolting half awake because of something. I don't know what's going on. BUT, last week I woke up in a panic, pretty much from a nightmare. I saw a spider on my pillow, like a daddy-long-leg. And literally jumped up and woke pat too (which he was really really irritated and yelled at me) After I made sure there was no sign of a spider, I went back to bed. And had a horrible horrible dream about bugs and cockroaches. It was so weird and creepy. Yuck. What's going on in my head?!?!

Everyone keeps telling me I should work on 'me' while Pat's gone. Its the perfect time to do it. And its what I plan on doing. Work though, is not helping. This week, I work till midnight every night. I was going to go to the Y today, but I really don't want to drive Pat's truck. Its just big and makes me so nervous. Especially when there's more people on the road. I don't mind driving it at night, when traffic has slowed down. But not during the day. Blah. Maybe tomorrow? I am starting my diet. Or I should say, today I'm beginning to watch what I eat. I don't have a lot of money this week or the time to go grocery shopping for diet food. SO... I'm going to 'watch' what I eat. Which means, smaller portions, no fast food, and not eating when I get off work, late at night!

I wish Pat could call me :( I miss him so much. And we tell eachother everything so not knowing what he's doing every day, sucks. I like when he tells me about his day. :( I just want to hug him one last time.

I have so much to do in my room. ttyl.