The worst feeling in the world...

...is to miss a call or a Facebook chat from your husband in Afghanistan. 


And I did today. 
I figured something was up because he never came on last night. I waited and waited and waited. So today I got off work, went to the grocery store and the gas station and came home. Got on the computer and realized the little green dot next to Pat's name at the bottom of my screen. I clicked on the chat box and there were a few chats from him :( He was on this afternoon and I was at work. I think it was right after my 'lunch' break. Ughh. Every time, I don't know what comes over me, but this drowning feeling happens. Knowing I could have talked to him and now I have no idea when the next time will be. It could be weeks. Or worse, months. My heart drops every time.


I miss him so much. It's "deal-able" if I can talk to him. But even then it's still hard. Like when I do get to talk to him and it's only for a few minutes. Then I'm left with this sick, empty, lonely feeling. 


I know I should be happy I even got a few minutes but it leaves you with this hopeless feeling. Like you didn't get to say enough or anything at all. 


:( I hope this depo goes a little faster. It's starting to kill me and it hasn't been that long.


I love you Patrick, till forever. ♥

Staying strong like you asked me too ♥

I wish Motomail was up. Rob's didn't take this long and I just want to write Pat! I've been writing him a letter over the last week but then I got to talk to him and told him everything in the letter lol. I'm going to write one tonight and then drop it off at the post office on Tuesday when I go to get boxes. I forgot Monday was the holiday, for some reason I thought it was on Sunday. The post office won't be open so I'll have to send his running shoes out on Tuesday.


I saw that the VFW is paying for phone calls tomorrow and his Captain said they will try to allow all the Marines a chance to call home. I work till 7 though :( Hopefully he'll leave a message. I love hearing his voice.


I feel like it's been going fast but I wonder if in the middle months it'll start to drag and start to get hard. I don't even want to think about it


I miss you babe. I'm just going to go to bed.


♥

Time to start a new countdown.

This one I can't post but you better believe I've got it in every calendar I own and the app on my phone! 


Pat made it to Afghanistan safely. He's absolutely miserable and is sick. He sounds exhausted, cranky, and "not there". I feel bad because I know his spirits are broke. And it's hard to stay positive when you feel like death. And he's already heard some bad news about a brother from a different unit. I think he knew him but I'm not sure. But of course that isn't what you want to hear. Especially this early into it. 
I asked him if he was taking pictures for me! He says it's the worst place on earth and there's nothing but sand and weird bugs. Where he's at there are no plants, mountains or anything. I told him to take pictures anyway. I want to travel the world too and right now only he is able to so he can take a few pics for me ;)
I hope he realizes the easiest thing to do it just make the best of his situation. I understand the water is near boiling temperature. And no, Pat would not lie about that, so when you read that there is "cool" water, it's definitely not where wpns company is! He said he can't/won't use the internet because it's NOT free. Like $10 a day I think he said. I told him it is NOT worth it and we'll stick to phone calls for now. The calling card he was given by the USO, he can't use. He could only use ATT calling cards. Also they told us where they are going is a safe area but they will be doing a 'historical' push if they succeed. I've already heard from units near there that, that is not the truth. I get trying to ease our minds but how about just not saying anything, instead of lying. I told Pat and he told me not to listen to anything they say on the facebook page and don't even bother with it. 


Which I'm about to do exactly that. I'm so tired of everyone on there. Most all of the 300some members. And I want to tell them all to just shut the hell up.


I'm so annoyed.


And I miss Pat. And the end of the year is SOOOOO far awayyyyyyyy y y y y y   y   y     y      y          y   


And he better come home safe and in one piece. He knows I will kick his butt if he doesn't.


Love you baby.


♥Jessi[31.1.15.43.59]

have you ever been to heaven at night?

Today is one of those days.
I miss Pat. I'm bored. And anxious. 
I hate that feeling I get when I know I won't see Pat.
I can hold it off for about half a day. 
When I wake up in the morning, I'm okay.
By lunch, I'm still okay.
Even by three o'clock, I'm still okay. But then it starts.
That kind of gut wrenching, sick, deep in my stomach feeling.
Knowing he's not coming home from work. 
That I won't see him when I go to bed.
That I won't even get a phone call or text.


It's the worst feeling in the world. It passes. But sometimes I get nervous that one day it will just stay with me forever. Is this how I'm going to feel if I lose him to Afghanistan? Will I ever be okay again if that happens? I don't have a confident outlook on that situation. Not at all. It will be the end of the world for me and I don't know if I will recoup from it. I pray, that is not what God has planned for us.


I wish I had a puppy. I wouldn't feel as lonely when I'm at home.

occupying time

I love stumbleupon. I could get hooked 'stumbling' for hours. I'm sitting here, waiting for Amanda to come pick me up so we can go to the park. Well everyone must be busy because FB is pretty slow today and I did all my creeping last night ;) So what else is there to do? Start stumbling! And I came across this:

military humor
And I don't care if it's Army pics. They're still funny! I could just imagine Pat doing this stuff, it makes me happy.

Oh! Pat got promoted today! His LCPL Carey now ;) I'm happy for him. I know he's going to work hard on getting CPL next. And the little bit of extra money we will get now will really help, I think! I can't wait to see him! Only 4 more days! I know he's hating Fort Pickett, but it's almost over. He won't be home long though. California is in April. Blah. I just want him to get better; he's really sick. I can't wait to take care of him when he gets home!

movie night; unsuccessful

Pat feel asleep about an hour into the first movie. That's no fun. Mom and I did watch both Paranormal Activity 1 and 2 but it's not fun without Pat. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I know he's so tired though. His unit is retarded and he has to report early, earlier than most, and stay well after most. This is an every day thing. Not once in a while... and it sucks to hear other wives brag about what time their Marine gets off. Whatever. He needs his rest though, training for the next month is going to suck for him.

I realized that I can't sleep unless I drink. I think that's bad... I don't have the urge to drink but I want to sleep so bad! I can't turn my brain off though. This sucks.

I think when I get back from visiting home, and Pat's gone, I'm going to advertise myself as a baby sitter and start there instead of applying places. Just a thought.

Pat woke up and is like a zombie walking from the living room floor to the bedroom ;) I better get off of here. Night♥

Is it wrong of me...

Is it wrong of me to pay more attention to writing my thoughts down and venting, when Pat's not home? I feel like when he leaves I do post more, it's like therapy. But when he is here, I'm just as stressed but for some reason I don't vent on here. Which in turn, I think, makes me bottle up everything ten times worse. It's like if he's here, I have to forget about my problems and be there for him. Which I'm totally, 100% there for him. I know I will never ever go through what he is going to go through. I know that most people will never see what he will see while he's deployed. BUT, I can't help but realize I put myself second to him while he's home. And I just don't think it's healthy. Not for me, or him, or our relationship.

I think I will try more to do what I need to do for myself and us, and not always let it seem like I'm putting myself last. I really feel that I let Pat control me. For example: when Pat wants/needs to go to bed, I have to come with him. It's the sweetest thing ever, to hear someone say they need you. To say they can't sleep without you and that if you're not there with them, they don't feel safe. BUT, I lose valuable 'alone' time or maybe catching up on my favorite tv show that won't be on after the season is over. Or maybe cleaning, or laundry, things I would do before I would normally go to bed. But I'm somewhat forced to let those things go, try to get everything done before he gets off work the next day, and then go to bed with him when it's his bed-time. I don't think that's healthy because I think I'm already getting irritated by it and one day I'm going to lash out on him. And I don't want to do that. I just want him to realize, I'm here. Maybe a few times a week, I'll come to bed when I'M ready. I don't tell him when to eat, go to bed, or anything. I just want him to realize we can't do that to each other. What happens when we have a kid?! The kid will have to come first, not Pat.

----

Little update: cat's fixed. They had it fixed in less than a week. Bad part was, my transmission went. $5000. Ya, this car is definitely bad luck. I think it's the blue. So now, the money I had withdrawn for my credit card debt, was used to get the car fixed so I could get a job and now I'm still in debt. And I'm probably going to go faulty on my bills because I don't think I'll get a job before I run out of the little money I have to make minimum payments. It sucks. Mom said it good though. Did I really think I was going to get ahead? I'm too young to have 'gotten ahead' and to be set. It's just not fair. I'm so lucky I didn't pay all my bills the week before it happened. If I had, I have no idea how I would have gotten the car fixed.

Pat will be leaving soon for training. And it's been extended. Which sucks. I was only supposed to be 2 weeks, now it's a month. And on top of that, Pat was told he had to buy mandatory tickets to the unit's special dinner or something (haven't gotten full details yet) well I'm not sure if I heard him correctly but the tickets were either $150 a piece for both of us or $150 for the both of us. Either way, we don't have $150 to spare for a stupid dinner. I won't be able to pay 2 bills now. And he tried to tell his Ssgt but it's mandatory. I don't want to go! I guess it's formal which means I will have to go buy a dress or skirt, being that I don't have nice, formal ones! So I'm going into even more debt.

I don't know why this is happening to us, but I will take whatever punishment God is giving me and hope it will be over soon so I can work on getting our financial life back in order! UGH.

updates♥

There's so much updating I need to do :) Here's a brief overview:
We're moved into our new apartment in Jacksonville! We're getting tmo soon so we'll be moving all our stuff down here. Which can't come soon enough, we're sleeping on an air mattress and I only have a few pieces of clothing, same with Pat. We got a tv for the living room, so that's good. Now I'm not completely bored. We only have Pat's car at the moment so I can't go anywhere.
Update on my car: IT'S DONE!!! Finally! Butttt, of course my family is crazy and now the agreement my father and I had, has somehow changed. I think my MOTHER got into his head or something. So basically she, who isn't involved, is controlling what's going on. (Being that she and dad, mostly DAD, paid for the bill.) But it was money I had saved up to pay them back so really it was still my money. Ugh, confusing I know. The amount of the bill was over $5000 so when they say BMW is expensive to fix, they're right. But I know it was done right and it was done by a BMW dealership, so it's certified work. So yea, it may be more expensive to fix then say a Chevy, now that's it's fixed, it's like brand new. And some other cars you can't say that for. Plus the new head had really low miles on it as well as my engine, so I'm in good shape. EXCEPT, I found out my MOTHER is driving it?!?!?!?!?! I'm going to kill her I swear. And she's doing it behind my back, having Ash cover her and shit! I could kill her. 
--Then she says I need to get a job(she knows I have debt) understandably. But how can I get to work without a car?! She thinks Pat doesn't need a car to get to base or while he's at 'work'(on base) She's effing retarded. 


And she wants to move down here with us. After everything she's putting me through?! Hell NO! She can move down here on her own, and get her own damn apartment.


Ridiculous.


ANYWAY... back to updating:
love our apartment. It's a 2 bedroom/2 bath, sun room, living room, dining room, walk-in closets, 24-hr laundry center, gym, and business center, pet friendly. surrounding are is awesome. Tons of restaurants, TEXAS ROADHOUSE AND SONIC within a minute down the street!!!! Plazas, tons of stores, hotels, etc etc. There's a park behind us! Although I don't think it has trails or anything like home. But I did find out there is a nature trail down the road from us. So I'll have to check it out soon. The mall is really close. We're like a few minutes from the main gate. The weather is awesome. Sometimes it gets a little chilly, but not bad at all. Other than that, we haven't gone adventuring. :( Maybe since we're not going home for Thanksgiving(home is out of bounds for Pat) we'll do some adventuring during his libo. We're tight on money right now though... the way his pay checks fall and his few bills, it doesn't end up to good for us. Especially at the beginning of the month. Then because I'm not working and I got my last paycheck last week, I have to stay afloat on my bills... but it's going to be tight, probably too tight. And my credit already isn't great- I really can't afford to go default on my bills. But I'm also not going to make Pat's account go negative. It sucks... not sure what we're going to do. [I NEED MY CAR SO I CAN GO WORK!]


Well just wanted to update a little, I should be working on bills and cleaning right now :)


♥yous!

Oh no, some problems have surfaced...

Ok, first:

I have to stay up late so I can sleep most of tomorrow. I'm driving over night to NC. Well I didn't take a nap because I wouldn't have woken up in the middle of the night to stay up. I normally don't stay up too late. Like maybe 2am somedays. I know I'm getting old. It's not like it was before when I could. So, I've been up since like noon. I'm doing pretty good. I caught a second wind and am okay at the moment(its 3:13am) But I don't know how much longer I can stay awake. Obviously I'm on the computer right now, but I'm running out of things to do and I know if I go lay on my bed and try to watch a movie, I'm probably going to fall asleep. I think I want to be up around 5pm today but I don't know if I'll be able to sleep that long.

Second:

Mom apparently told my sister, Ash, that she isn't driving with me and Amanda. Okay... well she never told me! And now she's not home, who knows where she is at this hour, and she didn't answer my text. I know she works till 5pm today so really she couldn't drive too much at night, she may be tired. Well, Amanda probably isn't going to come either! She needed to make $150 before the trip to ensure she had money to pay a bill and so it was okay that she was going to miss a couple days of work. (She does hair) Well she hasn't made that $150. She's going to see what happens today, but even if she makes it/got it, she would probably be tired too so would be there for moral support as I drove. (Which is fine) Hopefully she can come up with the money. Also, I sent Ash a text and asked her if she would want to come with me. She won't get it until the morning though and she can't drive at night because she has an eye disease and I don't trust her driving anyway:) But once again, for moral support as I drive, it would be nice to have her. ((I've never driven more than 3 hours at a time and that's just joy riding me and Amanda do at night when we go vent. I've also never been on a trip by myself)) That's why someone coming with me actually matters. Also my Dad, who travels A LOT, knows the way down there very well, like the back of his hand, stressed me out because when he asked me when I was leaving he was like "You're driving at night?!" He knows I don't pay attention to when he drives(we've gone to Florida a million times and he drove to Parris Island for boot camp grad) and there's no other way I would be going -- so he was like you better be careful, the hills/turns in West Virginia and Virginia can be dangerous at night and slippery. And having the heat on may make me drowsy and blahblahblah... stressed me out even more and I didn't tell him I was probably now, going by myself.

Third:

Umm... if I drive by myself, I will probably stop and sleep. What if I don't make it in time for Pat's 30 minute libo?! Then what if he checks into his unit and isn't released?! What if he can't leave base on Saturday or Sunday either?! I drove 12 hours really for nothing, because frankly I will be too upset to spend Saturday driving around Jacksonville, looking at houses/apartments, and getting to know the area... when all I really want to do is just see him. Ughhh.... but then if I don't go and Pat gets released, he will be super PISSED. I know he would tell me to come regardless. Not coming isn't even an option. But what if, from some act of God, he got his ten days right after he checks in? Then I could have stayed here, he could fly home, get our stuff, and then go down and find a place. Or something like that. A little heads-up would have been nice Marine Corps. Just a little. Like "no you won't get your ten days for at least 2 weeks". That's all I would have asked for! But now it's too late. 

This is some shit.

And it's supposed to snow up here this weekend. Sweet.

since I met you, I feel perfect in every way♥

Leaving tomorrow to drive to North Carolina!! Excited but very nervous. We're driving over night to save a day in a hotel. Pat and I decided to do it this way because we don't know what's going to happen, money-wise, when we find a house and move in. So I'm skipping fam day and the 4 hours I would get to be with him and leaving tomorrow night to arrive Friday morning on base. Which now we'll probably be there for graduation which we were just planning on getting there just for the 30 minutes he gets after the ceremonies over. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay awake during the ceremony. I know it's only a half hour long, but I don't even know how I'm going to drive for a good part of 12 hours! And then only get 30 minutes to see him!! Ughhh... the SOI-East website claims they get 4 hours of libo after graduation, but weeks ago Pat said it was only 30 minutes. So stupid. So after the 30 minutes, he'll go immediately check into his unit and I'll be crossing my fingers (and probably falling asleep) that he'll call with good news. Will they release him for the weekend? Will they give him his 10 days to move right then? Will I have to wait a month to move down to NC? We won't know until after he checks into the unit. And if all that doesn't happen, then I drove 12 hours to see him for 30 minutes and there's no point in looking at houses on Saturday, because most likely he wouldn't be able to move in for at least, a week or two. 


It's very stressful. I wish everything wasn't last minute info. It's hard to plan when it's this way. If he doesn't get 10 days soon, I couldn't even go back to work because she posts the schedule 4 weeks ahead. I'd have to wait four weeks to work. But if I didn't take myself off the schedule, and we did move immediately, technically that's calling off and I could have been pointed out and "fired". She would have had to cover allll my shifts. So what was the best thing to do? I have no idea.


I hope it all works out. We need to move immediately more because (I want to be with him) but seriously because I need to find a job down there so I can stay afloat on my bills. Even if its part time, I still can survive, as far as making payments. (I wouldn't have any extra money) But with the way credit cards are changing now, I recently got screwed and one of the minimum payments went up drastically from what it was. Out of the blue. And the more higher minimums I have a month, is what is killing me. I think I have a total of 5 or 6 more than $50 minimums a month. Of course 3 of those are car insurance, college loan, and cell phone. But the extra 2 or 3 KILL MEEEE. Why did they have to do that?! I never paid late or went over the limit either. So I'm not sure why it just changed. Blah.


I wish I was debt free, AGAIN. Yes this is my second time of getting myself in debt. Not all my fault though, but could kick my own ass. 


Word to the wise, DON'T USE CREDIT CARDS if you DON'T have the money RIGHT THEN to PAY IT OFF when the statement comes. If I had followed that rule, I would be FINEEEE.


I have to stay up all night so I can sleep all day tomorrow and wake up around 5pm to get ready for the drive. Not sure if that's going to happen, wish me luck ;\


Love my Babe♥

Day 21 of SOI ♥♥

Be my shelter from the warmth // my shield of armor in danger // my companion from loneliness // my sense from delusion // my dream from reality // be my everything

Pat has made this so much easier. At first it was rough like boot camp. But he's made it easier just by the things he says. He makes me feel wanted, needed, and loved. For a while before(long before boot camp), I thought I lost all that. I thought he didn't need me. That he didn't need me to survive. I've come to realize that I didn't lose him and it is okay to be dependent without relying on the other person. I still feel like I need him to live but I know I can survive (kinda) on my own. Or at least it's bearable because I know I will see him in the end. So I force myself to be okay with out him. But as soon as he's with me, you better believe my world is revolving around him again =) to a point... ♥

I can't wait to see my babe! I'm gonna hug him like a little girl hugs her favorite stuffed bear and never let go! I miss him like crazy but I'm so excited to see him again. I can't wait. I feel like we start fresh every time we see each other and the little spark of excitement and rush runs through me, all over again. That feeling you get when you've fallen in love... I get to feel that over and over!

:) just had the best conversation ever.

I can't even put into words how I feel. I feel amazing :) I feel like I just fell in love all over again. When you can hear and feel the emotion in someone's words, it's very reassuring. Especially when they are miles and miles away from you. I feel so much better now. I don't know why I get so insecure sometimes and let things bother me when I know they aren't true or aren't going to happen! I have a problem of letting what people say get to me. I don't know why I listen to them. I know what my relationship is and what it is based on and everything. Sometimes my thoughts just run wild. I have to remember, girls just want everyone to be miserable like them and bring them down. And are jealous or upset that they don't have what you have. That's why they say the things they do. 

:) Thanks to Audri, Amanda, and Ash. I don't know what I would do without them if they weren't here to help me while Pat's gone. They keep me grounded♥

I love you so much Pat. I can't wait to be in your arms again and have you all to myself:)

[Day8]

You can keep your Army khaki, 

you can keep your Navy blue, 

I have the world's best fighting man, 

Uncle Sam ever knew. 

His uniform is different, 

the best you've ever seen. 

The German's call him "devil dog" 

his real name's Marine

♥

Day 2 of Pat being in the field. Kinda wish I would have gotten an email or something, but I don't think he took his phone. Which is probably a good thing, he doesn't need to get in trouble and needs to have his full focus on his task at hand. Waiting for Sunday!

Day 7 of SOI ♥

Soooo, I GOT TO TALK TO PAT YESTERDAY!!! Almost all day! It was great; although guys are so loud! Get a bunch of guys together and they are worse than girls! It sounded like a party, a party of all guys haha. I couldn't focus or hear him most of the time, but I'm so happy he had liberty! The night before(Saturday) was really bad. I was so upset and sad and missed him like crazy. When I get like that I think my brain thinks "Jessi, you're never going to see him again" that's why it only creeps up on me every once in a while. I know I will and I know eventually I will talk to him but it overwhelms me and it sucks! Before Sunday, Pat would comment me on fb, saying "I love u babe" or send me short one or two sentence emails (he's still not getting my texts) and although I'm SO grateful for those, its harder compared to getting a 3 page letters with all kinds of detail and such. One day I got a text from him saying "hey babe I love u" and it broke my heart that I knew the text I sent back wouldn't get to his phone! I asked him about that when we talked and he said he's receiving his brothers texts so I think he isn't getting any other cell provider texts besides AT&T... !!! Which doesn't make sense, why would that happen?! UGH. But he's not supposed to be on his phone at all during the week so for right now, I guess it's better that way ?? He ended up having liberty all day yesterday which when I talked to him in the morning he said libo was over at like 215, but whatever I was happy to get phone calls from him alllll afternoon! And then when he got off the phone with me the last time, he texted me after and said to check my email :) but we only emailed for a few minutes. He's in the field this week so I don't think I'll get anything from him till Sunday, hopefully. I love him so much! 


I can't wait to move somewhere we can call our own though. I think I will be even better then. I have heard a few things, but honestly moving out of state, I'd rather live on base. And I don't see how bad it could possibly be. I would feel safer and it would give me more opportunities to meet other wives/girlfriends. And anywhere we move, I won't have family or even friends, so I won't know these new states/towns at all. I think I'd feel more comfortable coming home at night on base than not. I'm looking forward to the moving. I really don't mind it. I embrace new places:) and I don't care about not having 'one, permanent' spot. I know the constant moving, like every other year, is hard for some people. I'm not worried about that though. I already have tons of friends that I've NEVER met and know I always have someone to talk to. The hard part will be leaving my family and Amanda and knowing that they aren't a couple minute drive away. And what if I meet new girls and they don't like the things I like to do! Like the spur of the moment Dunkin trips or walks or adventuring new places. I'm pretty carefree and Amanda and I do a lot. I don't know if any other girls are like that out there! I definitely don't want to be going out to clubs and bars all the time, if ever! I'm kinda over that phase and if I go somewhere like that, I would much rather have Pat with me. I don't want to go with out him. Now sitting around a bonfire and partying at a house is different. I'm okay with that. But I really don't have a desire to really drink. Sometimes it gets me and I think to myself "I really want to get drunk and have a good time" but I know I don't need to.


It's exciting, but some of it is too grown up for me. I don't like taking all the responsibility on myself and frankly I don't want to. I guess that's my immaturity and really, maybe I'm just afraid. Plus I'm stubborn and I feel like Pat doesn't have to do ANYTHING yet he has all the people he needs around him to ask questions. But he won't take the wheel either! And his excuse is, well he's at SOI and they're not supposed to be on their phones and only have Sundays to take care of their stuff so how can he look for apartments or find out the info on base housing, or even send what he needs to, to the Corps??? BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! There's no book to go by, there's not sheet of paper that lists things I need to do, or things I need to send specifically. And not being able to talk to Pat makes it hard. It's going to start to stress me out. I know it already has a little. But it'll get worse if he doesn't take some responsibility and do some of the stuff himself. He literally has all the people to talk to right there in front of him. I, would have to go to Petronio or Fadenholz and they are dumb and probably won't even know. I don't even want to bother with them. Seriously.


Anyways.... :) I'm happy but would be happier if Pat wasn't states away. And I could cuddle with him and sleep with him. I just want his touch and his love!


♥ I love you PFC CAREY

All or Nothing [Day1]

[You've got all that I need
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I
With you I know that
I am good for something
So lets go give it a try
We got our backs against the ocean
It's just us against the world]


Officially today was day 1 of Pat being gone(at SOI-ITB), again. He emailed me this morning (he's not getting my texts so there's no reason for him to really text me unless he doesn't need an answer) It was a really cute message and my heart skipped a beat when I read it. I love when he says sweet things because it always surprises me to read it. I checked my email all day long, knowing he probably wouldn't be replying to my message. I was okay though. Just hoping. A little bit ago he called me :) I almost thought he wouldn't but I've had the phone next to me ALL day waiting lol, but not the bad waiting. Not where I was sick to my stomach and obsessing over it. It was nice to hear his voice. He sounded a little different, maybe excited? Which is understandable, he's in a new place. He was putting his stuff away and said he'd call me back. And when he did he gave me homework!!! Haha... I told him he needed to email me the list of things he needed me to send him (stuff for paperwork) and he also informed me I would need to look into apartments/houses/jobs in NC! I'm gonna be a busy little lady now! I can see the stress already coming. But it's okay. I'll handle it. Or if you know me, I'm a procrastinator... so... I'll probably put it off!!! Haha, its important though if I want to move with him. AND I DO!!!!! I just think it's so hard to find somewhere to live without being able to see the place in person. 


I'm pretty tired but I know there's things I should be doing. Like, laundry, or cleaning up my room and unpacking my bags. I don't feel like it though haha. 


I think I'm going to get ready for bed. I bought some stuff from Wal-Mart and I think I'll organize it first


ilypc90210[1]
Mrs. Jessica Ann Carey  <--- :D I still can't believe it!!!

But it helps me on those lonely nights. It's that one thing that keeps me alive. Knowing that you wait for me. Ever so patiently

Day One:
My babe's on his way to SOI. :'(
[So hard to let him go, but so proud to watch him leave]
I wanted to run after him and not let him go. It's the worst feeling ever. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't feel like doing anything. I just want one more hug and one more kiss. I miss him and it's only been like 3 hours or something. And he's not getting my texts which makes it even worse! I have to email him or FB him, or call him and he doesn't have his voice-mail set up, so there's no point in calling him if he can't pick up. Ugh. I hate saying goodbye. I know I will see him again, eventually, but it sucks having to 'survive' without him until then. I hate not being able to talk to him every day and I hate not waking up next to him. I hate not knowing I'll get to see him after work or knowing I won't be doing anything special with him for how ever long. And then when he does get back, we don't do anything we say we want to do because we'd rather be relaxing, or at least I know he wants to. And then everyone wants to see him so plans get messed up. And there's never enough time for everything.


Every time he leaves, I feel like literally he takes half my heart with him. I'm so sad. I know it will pass in a few days but it sucks. I'm always afraid that when I said good bye, it was the last time I'll ever see him. :'( 


I love you Pat♥ I'll see you soon.


Love,
Mrs. Jessica Ann Carey♥

Day 78 [Getting so close!]

How ironic is that, I decided to post exactly 10 days after the last one ;) Maybe 8's my number, or 10?! Lol...


I have been super busy. Which is a good thing. It keeps my mind running and not being depressed. I think that's why I'm not sure where July went!! I really, honestly can not say what I did in the month of July, that is how fast it went. Weird, huh? I remember it being rough sometimes, but honestly it's really like we just skipped the whole month all together! Now these last 8 days... ya they're dragging just a little bit. Nothing to bad, just every once in a while, during the day-- I'm like "Okay, come'on, let's move on. Let the sun go down" lol... I have been a little bothered by something else too. And I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if it's bad or good, or what. I feel like I need to and I want to definitely, cry sometimes. And I can't. Like I literally can not cry. And I feel like it's a horrible thing. I think of Pat and how much I miss him and how I need him, and the tears shouldn't come like they should or like they would have a month ago. Is that bad? I'm always afraid of "forgetting" about Pat. Like waking up one day and totally forgetting the idea of him and everything he is. I feel like its a bad thing I can't cry right now. But maybe it's because I know I'll see him soon ???? I DON'T KNOW! But the worst part is, I don't cry when I read his letters over! I might get teary-eyed, but I don't BALL like I was before. ????? It's frustrating. I just don't know what it means.


Anyway, I've been working a lot. And trying to work on the scrap book. I'm going to take some pics and post them on here. I know I don't get ANY traffic to this site, but eventually maybe I'll get some USMC gals and they'll appreciate the stuff I post. LOL.


I've been hanging with my bestest, Amanda lately. It's been great. Really what I needed and I missed her. We used to be inseparable and then I guess, life happened! LOL, she went to cosmetology school and was working and I was working and dealing with Pat and we just lost touch. But now we're back together and even thinking about getting a place together! I want to move with Pat so BAD because I hate being away from him, but if I had to wait until he was done with schooling and stuff, I would totally move in with Amanda. It would be awesome. Honestly, it probably should have happened a long time ago!! 


=) I'm writing Pat's last letter today I think. That will give him a letter on Monday, or the latest Tuesday, before we see him on Fam Day. He starts the Crucible at 3am tonight/next morning. I'm praying for him. I want him to do great. I don't think he'll give up. He's not that type. But I don't want him to get hurt if he's pushing himself harder than he should. I'm scared. Yes, the Crucible scares me a little. They expect 1-2 casualties every Crucible, what if Pat's that one... I would die. I think he would die. It would be horrible.


I don't mean to cut this short, but when I don't post for days, I tend to ramble in one big post. And then nobody would read it even if I did get traffic =) I have to take a shower though. 


----If any of you girls are going through the Marine Corps stuff, feel free to contact me
jubie2o@gmail.com
I know I'm only at the beginning of our Marine Corps journey, but I have learned A LOT already about the Corps and I want to help other girls. =)----


I love my hero♥

Day 67/88 !!! [Getting close!]

Ahhhh!! We're so close! I can't believe how fast July and now August, have gone compared to June! June was horribly long and dragged out! It sucked so bad. But now I only have 18 days till I'm driving down to SC to see my babe! I can't wait for Family Day. That will be Thursday and it will be the first official day I see Pat. I think it's like 3 or 4 hours with him and he'll show us all around PI and we'll have lunch. I'm not sure if we should bring lunch in a cooler or just stick it out in the lines. I don't know yet. I'm so excited! Our cabin get-away is going to be perfect too! Then on the Monday we get home, we'll get the marriage license and schedule an appointment with a judge!! I can't wait to be married to my other half!! He makes me so happy!


I've gotten a few letters in the last two weeks, more than I though I would. They're supposed to be really busy. Maybe next week I won't get so many ? Idk... but Pat had his wisdom teeth, all 4, removed and they cracked one of the other teeth while they were doing it. He said it hurts really bad but he goes back on admin week to get it fixed. What else has he said? .... He made me something!! I wouldn't say what and he said his materials were limited but I'm going to die when I see it! He said some of the other guys tried to call him gay and make fun of him for making it but he said "You know me, I squashed that shit right away" He said he loves me so much and he doesn't care what people think :) I have the best guy ever. He said a lot of the guys keep asking about our wedding and want to be invited.


I love getting letters from him! They're so nice and I love reading them over and over. =) I have lots to do today (it's my day off) So I better start now, or I'll end up doing nothing all day!


xoxo
♥ I love Patrick!

Day 59 [11 Pages of Love]

Well thankfully, I got deferred from jury duty. I almost cried when I listened to the voice message the jury clerk left me. I was so happy. That night though, Dad broke some bad news about my car. I'm getting screwed left and right with the car. Because we waited to tell them to do it (had to make sure I was going to be able to use all the money, mom FREAKED, it's going to cost $4800) someone else bought the head! There's only a few in the US!!!!!!!!! What are the chances of someone needing one really?!? UGHHH. I'm so pissed. Barry said they can't find any. It could be weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do. Dad's coming with us to the graduation which is AWESOME. I'm really happy about that because I was stressing about it. I thought he wouldn't be able to. But now, how am I going to get to Hocking Hills???? I'll have to rent a car and I didn't factor that into anything because it wasn't supposed to ever happen. Now I think I'm going to have to not make big payments on my bills the next two paychecks, so I can save money for a rental car and then there's other things. Gas money, clothes for Pat- he's not going to fit into anything he owns, I have to get contacts, my hair done, nails- maybe ?, food for the cabin, goodie bag for Pat, food in South Carolina, I don't even know what else. I'm sure I'm missing tons of stuff. It's really stressful.


I have to work till midnight tonight, fun fun. I don't feel like doing anything. I've been having weird dreams and not sleeping well...


I dreamt of Pat last night, but I don't remember =(=(

Day 45 [I stand by my Man]

It's Thursday and I got Sunday's letter today!!! =)=) They just keep getting better and better! And he had two of my questionnaires that he sent back, which was nice. I know what size he wears so I can look into shirts for him. He said Large, but then said maybe M... We'll stick with large. I hope he's not a medium, that might be too thin for me. I like my guy buff =) I think this is one of the best letters yet. Just reading it you can see the love and emotion pouring out of it. It makes me feel really good inside. And makes me think "Ya, that's my guy" ::Sigh:: I can't wait till he gets home. I think it might be bad though! How am I going to go to work and not just want to quit and walk out and go be with him?! Or how am I really going to want to do anything or see anyone else besides, Pat?! I feel it already... we're like magnets already pulling ourselves together and once we finally are, nobody's going to be able to pull us apart!! I'm so excited for our future. There's so much we're going to do and all this stuff he has planned. I finally feel like my life is on track. Or at least I know that I have things I have to prepare for and look forward to. Before I didn't know. I couldn't tell you what my life would be like 6 months down the road. But I feel better now =) It's a great feeling and even better knowing I'll be spending it with him♥

I'm a busy little lady =) Gots things to do!

xoxo

i♥PC