December 29, 2010

countless nights

On countless nights I lay awake crying.
I rub your head, trying to never forget the way your hair feels against my skin.
Memorizing the shape of your lips and how long your eyelashs are
Trying to burn the image of you in my mind forever.
I never want to forget you.

As I lay awake thinking of all the memories we've shared,
I try to match your breathing and slow my heart beat down to yours.

I wonder what you're dreaming of.
I try to decipher every grunt you make and wonder what battle you're fighting tonight.
When you kick your legs and turn over, I wonder who you were running from.

I wonder if I fall asleep,
if I could save you in my dream.
As I lay awake crying
I hope you'll wake and wipe my tears as they fall.

As I lay awake watching you sleep,
I think of how much I don't want you to leave
Wishing I could tell you.
As I lay awake thinking of what you're going to go through,
I know you're laying next to me safe.
You're here with me now and that's all that matters.

As I lay awake crying I think if you're going there to fight for me? And if you're going to come back like you promise?

As I lay awake I eventually wipe my tears and know I have another day with you.

If I could give you anything
I would give you my heart to wear around your neck like I would wear your dog tags around mine.

If I could fight for you,
Like you fight for me
I would.

But I do, every night.
Every night as I lay awake and pray that I am so thankful to have someone to miss so much.
Someone I will always wait for until they come back home.

I lay awake knowing I'm putting up a good fight
And I'm strong enough
My love for you could never fail
As I lay awake
Know I'll be laying here every day
Waiting while you're gone
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December 17, 2010

Operation Always Faithful book is on the market ;) Link to purchase Operation Always Faithful

For anyone who doesn't know, it's a compilation of true stories from girls in relationships with their service men (I'm not sure if it's just Marine couples or not)

But the reason I'm actually blogging about it (I do plan on buying it eventually) is because I didn't know there was a site where you could publish your own books! Haha, I was excited about the book but even more excited about the site... I have to check the site out more but this might come in handy! I want to make a cook book of my fave recipes and you can do this on this site ( I'm excited to say the least!

Pat's got back from the field yesterday! I had a feeling they would be done early. He was pretty heated about everything that had gone on in the field. I felt bad. But let's just say that was the 'funnest' night Pat and I had in a long time! If ya know what I mean ;) It was like when we were younger... I know, we're not that old -- BUT! Things have changed! Haha. I mean we've been together almost 7 years, it felt like we had already been married 4 years ago!!! I'm not complaining though, it was just nice to have 'fun' like we used too.

Today he's been standing by since he got to base. He's just laying in the car. I understand that our military might not have something to do every single day and when you think about it, active duty is like salary. They're on-call 24/7 and have no set hours of work because they aren't paid by the hour. I just don't understand how they can't find SOMETHING to do. Like, why don't they have classes they can attend like maybe ones where they get a certificate or something. Or why aren't there more first-aid classes. Pat hasn't attended one and I remember Shuler going to some while Pat was in boot camp. ??? I just don't see why they sit and do nothing. All day. Or I think they should make them go to the rec or something. It's pretty useless for Pat to sit in his car close to the barracks, when they could at least let him venture to the rec and work out a little. I mean he's only a phone call away.

Enough venting. I need to make a grocery list ;)

December 14, 2010

Getting settled in

I feel like I'm neglecting my blog, haha! We've been so busy with moving and everything that I completely forgot about it. 

Well let's see... we finally moved all our furniture from Ohio! TMO is a little bit of a pain, if anyone would like any info on it, I'd be happy to share my experience and tips :) It was a rough ride back to NC in the moving truck. We got the 26 foot diesel and it was like riding in a semi. It was a fun trip back though. We laughed and joked around a lot. Poor Pat had to drive the whole way though. I felt bad but I couldn't drive that big truck, I have horrible depth perception and distance judgement as it is lol. Love him to death! We got some of the stuff out of the truck and in the apartment the next day and then his friend came, with his roomie, and helped Pat with all the furniture. It was a really exhausting 2 days, but I was so happy to finally be able to sleep in the bed and not on the air mattress. The furniture fits well in the apartment and all the rooms, this apartment is actually pretty big. Bigger than the apartments back home. Pat's bedroom set and king size bed are large pieces, and we still have enough room in our bedroom so that it doesn't feel claustrophobic! In the spare bedroom we put my twin size bed and dresser and there's even more room to move around. I actually really like this apartment. I don't know if I'll want to move when the lease is up. Which we have to decide what we're going to do because Pat will be deployed when the lease is up and I'm not moving all this stuff myself and then choose an apartment and have him come home and hate the new one. He's so picky. That's why we need to choose things together. I told him to just renew the lease now. 

Hmmm what else.... Pat's in the field for a week. :( It sucks without him. This just puts into perspective how bad its going to suck when he's deployed. Not looking forward to it. We don't know when his leave is for Christmas yet. That kinda sucks, since it's really close!

I need to find a job but my car isn't here yet... yes after months of waiting for it, my mother screws me. I could punch her. She's so sneaky and manipulative and has to be in control of everything!!! Ughhhhhh. I told her I didn't get in an accident and 'almost' die for her to get a new f'cking car. She screwed me good though. If you've read my other posts about the car situation, I'm pretty sure I mentioned how the money was in the bank to pay for the repair bill. (And mom's on it and the account is secured in a way neither of us can touch the money unless we both sign off on it) Okay, and then Dad and I came to an agreement that I  would pay half back to him ($2500) Well what did Mom do when she went to pay the bill??? USED HER OWN DAMN MONEY INSTEAD OF THE MONEY IN THE BANK ACCOUNT. So guess who I owe now. MY MOTHER and she wants the FULL BILL PAID BACK. Which ended up being $5300. Yes, I realize I own the car and I can call the police but honestly do you think I'd do that to my own family member? No. Plus knowing her, she'll end up letting me keep the 5000 in that bank account. But I don't care, I don't want to owe her anything! Plus I can't fucking pay her 5300 anytime soon, so guess who's driving my damn car, HER! And I can't get a damn job if I don't have a damn car in NC. I'm so pissed. She can be such a bitch. And to make everything worse, I'm in credit card debt and I have an opportunity to get out of it. Since I left my job in Ohio, I can cash out my 401k which was pretty padded for that last 5 years, and I can get out of debt. BUT I'm afraid of the tax penalties and other penalties. But everyone keeps telling me just do it. I'm young enough where it won't matter and I need to get out of the credit card interest that's burying me. But then I have mom freaking out and telling me not to even think of doing it. 

I don't know what to do! I don't know how it will effect my taxes this year. 
But I need out of the debt because I can't pay the damn bills because I don't have a job! And Pat can't help me stay afloat yet.

So frustrating.

I think I just stressed myself out. :( 
Gotta go.

November 23, 2010


There's so much updating I need to do :) Here's a brief overview:
We're moved into our new apartment in Jacksonville! We're getting tmo soon so we'll be moving all our stuff down here. Which can't come soon enough, we're sleeping on an air mattress and I only have a few pieces of clothing, same with Pat. We got a tv for the living room, so that's good. Now I'm not completely bored. We only have Pat's car at the moment so I can't go anywhere.
Update on my car: IT'S DONE!!! Finally! Butttt, of course my family is crazy and now the agreement my father and I had, has somehow changed. I think my MOTHER got into his head or something. So basically she, who isn't involved, is controlling what's going on. (Being that she and dad, mostly DAD, paid for the bill.) But it was money I had saved up to pay them back so really it was still my money. Ugh, confusing I know. The amount of the bill was over $5000 so when they say BMW is expensive to fix, they're right. But I know it was done right and it was done by a BMW dealership, so it's certified work. So yea, it may be more expensive to fix then say a Chevy, now that's it's fixed, it's like brand new. And some other cars you can't say that for. Plus the new head had really low miles on it as well as my engine, so I'm in good shape. EXCEPT, I found out my MOTHER is driving it?!?!?!?!?! I'm going to kill her I swear. And she's doing it behind my back, having Ash cover her and shit! I could kill her. 
--Then she says I need to get a job(she knows I have debt) understandably. But how can I get to work without a car?! She thinks Pat doesn't need a car to get to base or while he's at 'work'(on base) She's effing retarded. 

And she wants to move down here with us. After everything she's putting me through?! Hell NO! She can move down here on her own, and get her own damn apartment.


ANYWAY... back to updating:
love our apartment. It's a 2 bedroom/2 bath, sun room, living room, dining room, walk-in closets, 24-hr laundry center, gym, and business center, pet friendly. surrounding are is awesome. Tons of restaurants, TEXAS ROADHOUSE AND SONIC within a minute down the street!!!! Plazas, tons of stores, hotels, etc etc. There's a park behind us! Although I don't think it has trails or anything like home. But I did find out there is a nature trail down the road from us. So I'll have to check it out soon. The mall is really close. We're like a few minutes from the main gate. The weather is awesome. Sometimes it gets a little chilly, but not bad at all. Other than that, we haven't gone adventuring. :( Maybe since we're not going home for Thanksgiving(home is out of bounds for Pat) we'll do some adventuring during his libo. We're tight on money right now though... the way his pay checks fall and his few bills, it doesn't end up to good for us. Especially at the beginning of the month. Then because I'm not working and I got my last paycheck last week, I have to stay afloat on my bills... but it's going to be tight, probably too tight. And my credit already isn't great- I really can't afford to go default on my bills. But I'm also not going to make Pat's account go negative. It sucks... not sure what we're going to do. [I NEED MY CAR SO I CAN GO WORK!]

Well just wanted to update a little, I should be working on bills and cleaning right now :)


November 4, 2010

Oh no, some problems have surfaced...

Ok, first:
I have to stay up late so I can sleep most of tomorrow. I'm driving over night to NC. Well I didn't take a nap because I wouldn't have woken up in the middle of the night to stay up. I normally don't stay up too late. Like maybe 2am somedays. I know I'm getting old. It's not like it was before when I could. So, I've been up since like noon. I'm doing pretty good. I caught a second wind and am okay at the moment(its 3:13am) But I don't know how much longer I can stay awake. Obviously I'm on the computer right now, but I'm running out of things to do and I know if I go lay on my bed and try to watch a movie, I'm probably going to fall asleep. I think I want to be up around 5pm today but I don't know if I'll be able to sleep that long.

Mom apparently told my sister, Ash, that she isn't driving with me and Amanda. Okay... well she never told me! And now she's not home, who knows where she is at this hour, and she didn't answer my text. I know she works till 5pm today so really she couldn't drive too much at night, she may be tired. Well, Amanda probably isn't going to come either! She needed to make $150 before the trip to ensure she had money to pay a bill and so it was okay that she was going to miss a couple days of work. (She does hair) Well she hasn't made that $150. She's going to see what happens today, but even if she makes it/got it, she would probably be tired too so would be there for moral support as I drove. (Which is fine) Hopefully she can come up with the money. Also, I sent Ash a text and asked her if she would want to come with me. She won't get it until the morning though and she can't drive at night because she has an eye disease and I don't trust her driving anyway:) But once again, for moral support as I drive, it would be nice to have her. ((I've never driven more than 3 hours at a time and that's just joy riding me and Amanda do at night when we go vent. I've also never been on a trip by myself)) That's why someone coming with me actually matters. Also my Dad, who travels A LOT, knows the way down there very well, like the back of his hand, stressed me out because when he asked me when I was leaving he was like "You're driving at night?!" He knows I don't pay attention to when he drives(we've gone to Florida a million times and he drove to Parris Island for boot camp grad) and there's no other way I would be going -- so he was like you better be careful, the hills/turns in West Virginia and Virginia can be dangerous at night and slippery. And having the heat on may make me drowsy and blahblahblah... stressed me out even more and I didn't tell him I was probably now, going by myself.

Umm... if I drive by myself, I will probably stop and sleep. What if I don't make it in time for Pat's 30 minute libo?! Then what if he checks into his unit and isn't released?! What if he can't leave base on Saturday or Sunday either?! I drove 12 hours really for nothing, because frankly I will be too upset to spend Saturday driving around Jacksonville, looking at houses/apartments, and getting to know the area... when all I really want to do is just see him. Ughhh.... but then if I don't go and Pat gets released, he will be super PISSED. I know he would tell me to come regardless. Not coming isn't even an option. But what if, from some act of God, he got his ten days right after he checks in? Then I could have stayed here, he could fly home, get our stuff, and then go down and find a place. Or something like that. A little heads-up would have been nice Marine Corps. Just a little. Like "no you won't get your ten days for at least 2 weeks". That's all I would have asked for! But now it's too late. 

This is some shit.

And it's supposed to snow up here this weekend. Sweet.

November 3, 2010

since I met you, I feel perfect in every way♥

Leaving tomorrow to drive to North Carolina!! Excited but very nervous. We're driving over night to save a day in a hotel. Pat and I decided to do it this way because we don't know what's going to happen, money-wise, when we find a house and move in. So I'm skipping fam day and the 4 hours I would get to be with him and leaving tomorrow night to arrive Friday morning on base. Which now we'll probably be there for graduation which we were just planning on getting there just for the 30 minutes he gets after the ceremonies over. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay awake during the ceremony. I know it's only a half hour long, but I don't even know how I'm going to drive for a good part of 12 hours! And then only get 30 minutes to see him!! Ughhh... the SOI-East website claims they get 4 hours of libo after graduation, but weeks ago Pat said it was only 30 minutes. So stupid. So after the 30 minutes, he'll go immediately check into his unit and I'll be crossing my fingers (and probably falling asleep) that he'll call with good news. Will they release him for the weekend? Will they give him his 10 days to move right then? Will I have to wait a month to move down to NC? We won't know until after he checks into the unit. And if all that doesn't happen, then I drove 12 hours to see him for 30 minutes and there's no point in looking at houses on Saturday, because most likely he wouldn't be able to move in for at least, a week or two. 

It's very stressful. I wish everything wasn't last minute info. It's hard to plan when it's this way. If he doesn't get 10 days soon, I couldn't even go back to work because she posts the schedule 4 weeks ahead. I'd have to wait four weeks to work. But if I didn't take myself off the schedule, and we did move immediately, technically that's calling off and I could have been pointed out and "fired". She would have had to cover allll my shifts. So what was the best thing to do? I have no idea.

I hope it all works out. We need to move immediately more because (I want to be with him) but seriously because I need to find a job down there so I can stay afloat on my bills. Even if its part time, I still can survive, as far as making payments. (I wouldn't have any extra money) But with the way credit cards are changing now, I recently got screwed and one of the minimum payments went up drastically from what it was. Out of the blue. And the more higher minimums I have a month, is what is killing me. I think I have a total of 5 or 6 more than $50 minimums a month. Of course 3 of those are car insurance, college loan, and cell phone. But the extra 2 or 3 KILL MEEEE. Why did they have to do that?! I never paid late or went over the limit either. So I'm not sure why it just changed. Blah.

I wish I was debt free, AGAIN. Yes this is my second time of getting myself in debt. Not all my fault though, but could kick my own ass. 

Word to the wise, DON'T USE CREDIT CARDS if you DON'T have the money RIGHT THEN to PAY IT OFF when the statement comes. If I had followed that rule, I would be FINEEEE.

I have to stay up all night so I can sleep all day tomorrow and wake up around 5pm to get ready for the drive. Not sure if that's going to happen, wish me luck ;\

Love my Babe♥

October 28, 2010

Almost done with SOI!

We're so close! This time next week I'll be waking up soon to start our drive over night to NC. Amanda (my best friend) will be coming with me and it'll be our first long roadtrip together! I'm so excited. I can't wait to see Pat. I know I'm going to cry. And I know he'll say 'dont cry' and I'll say 'but I'm so happy to see you!' We go through this everytime. :) It sucks missing him but I'm glad I have someone like him to miss. He completes my world and there's so much I love about him. He reminds me how good my life is and how thankful I am that God put us together. I can't wait to move into our own place and spend time together like we used to before boot camp. It seems like its been forever since we've just hung out. The ten days after boot were nothing. We were too busy and too tired. We haven't even been able to "be married".

We've found a handful of houses and condos to check out when we get to NC. And we'll drive around the neighborhoods to get a feel for the area. Then from what everyone's told him, he'll most likely, but possibly not, get the ten days for moving. So I guess we'll come home after the weekend and go from there.

It's very exciting but very stressful. After the last two months, I just want to see and be with my babe. I could care less if we had to live in our car just to be together. All the excitement of moving and where to has worn off. I just want to he in his arms where I belong.
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October 19, 2010

Broken dreams, shattered hopes

=( No Hawaii. I'm devasted and a million other things. I don't even know. I really don't want to move to Lejeune. I see no good in it. I'm going to be more miserable there than I am in Youngstown. I really think Youngstown is better. I don't want to go. And I don't believe that Pat didn't have something to do with the change. He's the only one not going ? I think something's up but he's not man enough to tell me apparently. Or at least tell me the real reasons he's happy to be in Lejeune. Yes, he's happy we're not going to Hawaii and he was lying about being excited when he found out about Hawaii. TELL ME I'M WRONG PAT.

October 12, 2010

there's a thin line between coincidence and fate

Ok, we're still going to Hawaii!! No need to worry haha... He got screened for the sniper platoon and I guess he starts in 2 years or something ?? Not quite sure on the details, but its what he wanted to do from the beginning so I'm very happy for him! I've been packing and still have a lot to do :( I wish I didn't have so much stuff. But I know its better to take the stuff I have and save money by not buying all new things. I think I should be okay on clothes. I will later, have to look into getting some more pairs of shorts but for now I have two and a good amount of capris. Plus I love wearing yoga type pants and I'm comfortable enough to wear them when its ninety degrees out! I might have to save up for some more nice tank tops... But I have a lot of tshirts to get me by.


And I know, everyone says its so expensive down there... Well please remember our housing and food is paid for. They also compensate for the cost of living raise and it will. Be. Okay. Period. :)
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October 10, 2010

25 Days left of SOI!!


I still can't believe it! I still think its a cruel joke and he'll call next week and said they lied. But I guess the whole platoon got stationed there! OMG!!! I'M MOVING TO HAWAII!!!!!! I can't wait. That's so much better than North Carolina, where I really think I'd hate it. Or California,  where we would be literally in the middle of NO WHERE. I'm so excited! BUT....

I got a text from Pat a little bit ago. His libo was over at 2 and I expected not to hear from him till next week. Well... he sent me a text saying headquarters selected him for sniper platoon screening. He couldn't talk any more obviously because he was like 'tell my parents.' 'i love you bye'. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!! Is he just accepted to try for the sniper program?! Will he still be stationed in Hawaii?!?!?! Will we have to move to NC instead?! Is it the scout sniper program?! Or what?!?!? Ughhhh I wish he hadn't told me until he got all the info and his phone back for good. =( I will be devasted if he says he won't be stationed in Hawaii now. I will lose it. I kept telling everyone the other day that there was just no way. Hawaii?? FOR REAL?! But when I heard the whole platoon got stationed there and talked to some other people and he said it had been verified, I started to believe it and get REALLY excited. And of course I still thought in the back of my head-- "Jes, you're getting you're hopes up and it's not going to really happen." I don't even know what to think now. What if he comes back tonight and gets to text me... and says he won't be able to be in Hawaii??? I will cry and cry and cry. I have never felt okay with saying "I'm moving to Jacksonville, NC. I never liked that idea. Ever. Even through boot camp, I prayed that he wouldn't get stationed there. And now to tease me?! And say he got stationed in Hawaii. I hope the Sniper program doesn't change where he'll be stationed at. I really really hope it doesn't. I can't find any info. I did find an article but it was from 2003. The sniper schooling or something like that was located at K-Bay Base. I don't know if it still is. ????? 

I just want to know if this will change where we'll be stationed at): 

k here's some stuff I found. And I assume if he got selected for "Sniper platoon screening" ... the 'screening' means it's to see if he meets the requirements? Well the requirements I found, I know Pat doesn't meet a few. Like perfect pft scores and such. He just told me he gained a half a min or something on his run time. But anyway here's what I found out about where Sniper schooling is:
wikipedia; scout sniper basic course
UGH. Lejeune is on there. I was right. I didn't know Quantico was. Quantico was nice. We went there in the beginning of the year, but I don't want to live there. And luckily I see Hawaii. 

I guess I'll just have to wait on pins and needles to find out. Thank you Marine Corps for giving me anxiety.

October 5, 2010

All by myself.

Wishing I got a honeymoon :( it feels not real when you don't go through the traditional steps of getting married. Let alone being alone, without your husband for 2 months because he had to leave 3 days after the 'wedding'. And what if we never have a real wedding? Then what... :( I'm really sad today and I feel so alone.
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October 4, 2010


Wishes the following DVDs were not missing:
1) The 5th Element
2) Twilight
3) Transformers
4) The Abyss
5) Harry Potter; Order of the Phoenix

I think those are the only ones that magically disappeared. And of course they're the ones I want to watch. Figures.

And Pat says I need to stop buying movies because I need to save money and pay my bills. Blah. I have a whole list of movies I want to buy and I'm due for a new one. Lol. Yes, I deserve one. I have to do something to pass the time while he's gone! P=


6) Constantine

=( I think I'm missing a lot of movies... I'm pretty sure Queen of the Damned is lost in oblivion too.

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October 3, 2010

Day 27 of SOI!

I can honestly say, right now, I love my life! It is perfect. Almost, all I need is Pat with me instead of states away! But it is okay. We haven't had this connection in a long time but I am so happy it's back! It's really like we started fresh and we're not holding anything back. I'm so in love with my husband. I can't wait to go on "dates" with him when he gets back and do all the fun stuff together. And I'm definitely excited to cuddle and relax with him, and you know... (=

I got boxes from work the other day so I'm going to start packing when I get off the phone with Pat! I'm excited but I'm sure it's going to stress me out a little. I have so much stuff and tons of clothes =\ I think I might put on Harry Potter or Percy Jackson; The Lightning Theif while I do it. That always puts me in a good mood. ...Although I'm kinda tired and nap sounds amazing right now!

I wish plane flights weren't so expensive or maybe we could just teleport places!! Haha. I wanna see Pat so bad!!! I'm going to be so nervous and anxious when I first see him... like when I saw him the first time on Family Day at boot camp. I'm not going to know what to do.

So much to look forward to and it's happening so fast! I'm so excited! I can't wait. I feel like we're really starting our lives now ♥

I love my hubby!

September 29, 2010

sweet dreamin' tonight [xoxo]

I got to talk to the hubby today :) nice surprise since I usually only get to on the weekends. I almost didn't get to because I figured he wouldn't call so I went to email him on the big computer and left my phone in my room. I would have died if he couldn't pick the phone up when I called. Just the sound of his voice makes everything okay... And when he tells me everything will be okay- it's like I have no worries in the world. Like he took all the weight off my shoulders. He's said the sweetest things to me this whole week. I still can't believe it. He's everything I've ever wanted him to be and he's miles and miles away. I can't wait to be with him again. It'll be like I'm in heaven. (: This is what dreams are supposed to be like! But its my reality! ♥ I love you Mr Patrick Carey!
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September 27, 2010

Day 21 of SOI ♥♥

Be my shelter from the warmth // my shield of armor in danger // my companion from loneliness // my sense from delusion // my dream from reality // be my everything

Pat has made this so much easier. At first it was rough like boot camp. But he's made it easier just by the things he says. He makes me feel wanted, needed, and loved. For a while before(long before boot camp), I thought I lost all that. I thought he didn't need me. That he didn't need me to survive. I've come to realize that I didn't lose him and it is okay to be dependent without relying on the other person. I still feel like I need him to live but I know I can survive (kinda) on my own. Or at least it's bearable because I know I will see him in the end. So I force myself to be okay with out him. But as soon as he's with me, you better believe my world is revolving around him again =) to a point... ♥

I can't wait to see my babe! I'm gonna hug him like a little girl hugs her favorite stuffed bear and never let go! I miss him like crazy but I'm so excited to see him again. I can't wait. I feel like we start fresh every time we see each other and the little spark of excitement and rush runs through me, all over again. That feeling you get when you've fallen in love... I get to feel that over and over!

September 23, 2010

43 Dayssss!! Ughhhhh

Pat graduates from SOI on November 5th, that's 43 days away!!!! Seems like a lifetime. I hate waiting. I'm so impatient and I'm running out of motivation to stay happy and not depressed. I'm running out of things to do. I need a hobby or something. A serious hobby, one that will keep my busy, possibly make me money, make me feel good, and one I can actually complete and probably would be easiest to repeat. I have ideas. But no money to get anything started. Nor really the time, like if I wanted to start something I may need a class or two for... I work to much for that.

I miss Pat. It sucks that I only have one paycheck before Columbus Day and he gets a 96. I don't have any money though. I owe Dad and my car will be getting done in the next 2 weeks. And the worst part is, I have the days off then, I totally could come up for like a day or two!!! Knowing it's an off base libo too... that would have been nice. We could have checked out the area since he's probably going to be stationed there. Well, I guess it'll be his one time to party with the guys. I'm SURE that's what they will end up doing. I wonder if he will drink... ??

Ahh! Not going to stress myself about wondering what he's going to do being that I'm not there! He goes every day wondering what I'm doing and if I'm partying and etc. Even though he knows damn well I'm not!

:) I love you Pat.

September 18, 2010

:) just had the best conversation ever.

I can't even put into words how I feel. I feel amazing :) I feel like I just fell in love all over again. When you can hear and feel the emotion in someone's words, it's very reassuring. Especially when they are miles and miles away from you. I feel so much better now. I don't know why I get so insecure sometimes and let things bother me when I know they aren't true or aren't going to happen! I have a problem of letting what people say get to me. I don't know why I listen to them. I know what my relationship is and what it is based on and everything. Sometimes my thoughts just run wild. I have to remember, girls just want everyone to be miserable like them and bring them down. And are jealous or upset that they don't have what you have. That's why they say the things they do. 

:) Thanks to Audri, Amanda, and Ash. I don't know what I would do without them if they weren't here to help me while Pat's gone. They keep me grounded♥

I love you so much Pat. I can't wait to be in your arms again and have you all to myself:)

September 16, 2010

"I've Heard you say 'I love you' a thousand times, but never 'I'm sorry'."
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"You're Going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."
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September 15, 2010


I'm so sad. I don't want to really get into it, but the more I think about it, the more it leads to other things that bother me. and now I'm really sad and kind of hurt. even though I have people who care, I feel so alone right now. so alone. I just don't know. I don't know if its nothing or if I have the right to be bothered by it. I just don't feel the way I should about the situation. if you made me feel the way I should, we wouldn't have a problem. I would trust you.
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September 14, 2010


You can keep your Army khaki, 

you can keep your Navy blue, 

I have the world's best fighting man, 

Uncle Sam ever knew. 

His uniform is different, 

the best you've ever seen. 

The German's call him "devil dog" 

his real name's Marine

Day 2 of Pat being in the field. Kinda wish I would have gotten an email or something, but I don't think he took his phone. Which is probably a good thing, he doesn't need to get in trouble and needs to have his full focus on his task at hand. Waiting for Sunday!

September 13, 2010

Day 7 of SOI ♥

Soooo, I GOT TO TALK TO PAT YESTERDAY!!! Almost all day! It was great; although guys are so loud! Get a bunch of guys together and they are worse than girls! It sounded like a party, a party of all guys haha. I couldn't focus or hear him most of the time, but I'm so happy he had liberty! The night before(Saturday) was really bad. I was so upset and sad and missed him like crazy. When I get like that I think my brain thinks "Jessi, you're never going to see him again" that's why it only creeps up on me every once in a while. I know I will and I know eventually I will talk to him but it overwhelms me and it sucks! Before Sunday, Pat would comment me on fb, saying "I love u babe" or send me short one or two sentence emails (he's still not getting my texts) and although I'm SO grateful for those, its harder compared to getting a 3 page letters with all kinds of detail and such. One day I got a text from him saying "hey babe I love u" and it broke my heart that I knew the text I sent back wouldn't get to his phone! I asked him about that when we talked and he said he's receiving his brothers texts so I think he isn't getting any other cell provider texts besides AT&T... !!! Which doesn't make sense, why would that happen?! UGH. But he's not supposed to be on his phone at all during the week so for right now, I guess it's better that way ?? He ended up having liberty all day yesterday which when I talked to him in the morning he said libo was over at like 215, but whatever I was happy to get phone calls from him alllll afternoon! And then when he got off the phone with me the last time, he texted me after and said to check my email :) but we only emailed for a few minutes. He's in the field this week so I don't think I'll get anything from him till Sunday, hopefully. I love him so much! 

I can't wait to move somewhere we can call our own though. I think I will be even better then. I have heard a few things, but honestly moving out of state, I'd rather live on base. And I don't see how bad it could possibly be. I would feel safer and it would give me more opportunities to meet other wives/girlfriends. And anywhere we move, I won't have family or even friends, so I won't know these new states/towns at all. I think I'd feel more comfortable coming home at night on base than not. I'm looking forward to the moving. I really don't mind it. I embrace new places:) and I don't care about not having 'one, permanent' spot. I know the constant moving, like every other year, is hard for some people. I'm not worried about that though. I already have tons of friends that I've NEVER met and know I always have someone to talk to. The hard part will be leaving my family and Amanda and knowing that they aren't a couple minute drive away. And what if I meet new girls and they don't like the things I like to do! Like the spur of the moment Dunkin trips or walks or adventuring new places. I'm pretty carefree and Amanda and I do a lot. I don't know if any other girls are like that out there! I definitely don't want to be going out to clubs and bars all the time, if ever! I'm kinda over that phase and if I go somewhere like that, I would much rather have Pat with me. I don't want to go with out him. Now sitting around a bonfire and partying at a house is different. I'm okay with that. But I really don't have a desire to really drink. Sometimes it gets me and I think to myself "I really want to get drunk and have a good time" but I know I don't need to.

It's exciting, but some of it is too grown up for me. I don't like taking all the responsibility on myself and frankly I don't want to. I guess that's my immaturity and really, maybe I'm just afraid. Plus I'm stubborn and I feel like Pat doesn't have to do ANYTHING yet he has all the people he needs around him to ask questions. But he won't take the wheel either! And his excuse is, well he's at SOI and they're not supposed to be on their phones and only have Sundays to take care of their stuff so how can he look for apartments or find out the info on base housing, or even send what he needs to, to the Corps??? BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! There's no book to go by, there's not sheet of paper that lists things I need to do, or things I need to send specifically. And not being able to talk to Pat makes it hard. It's going to start to stress me out. I know it already has a little. But it'll get worse if he doesn't take some responsibility and do some of the stuff himself. He literally has all the people to talk to right there in front of him. I, would have to go to Petronio or Fadenholz and they are dumb and probably won't even know. I don't even want to bother with them. Seriously.

Anyways.... :) I'm happy but would be happier if Pat wasn't states away. And I could cuddle with him and sleep with him. I just want his touch and his love!

♥ I love you PFC CAREY

September 10, 2010

Marine Wife Creed

This is MY Marine.
There are many like him,
but this one is mine.
MY Marine is my best friend.
He is my life.
I must master him,
as I must master my own life.
MY Marine, without me is useless. 
Without MY Marine I'm useless. 
[I love PFC Carey:)]

September 7, 2010

All or Nothing [Day1]

[You've got all that I need
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I
With you I know that
I am good for something
So lets go give it a try
We got our backs against the ocean
It's just us against the world]

Officially today was day 1 of Pat being gone(at SOI-ITB), again. He emailed me this morning (he's not getting my texts so there's no reason for him to really text me unless he doesn't need an answer) It was a really cute message and my heart skipped a beat when I read it. I love when he says sweet things because it always surprises me to read it. I checked my email all day long, knowing he probably wouldn't be replying to my message. I was okay though. Just hoping. A little bit ago he called me :) I almost thought he wouldn't but I've had the phone next to me ALL day waiting lol, but not the bad waiting. Not where I was sick to my stomach and obsessing over it. It was nice to hear his voice. He sounded a little different, maybe excited? Which is understandable, he's in a new place. He was putting his stuff away and said he'd call me back. And when he did he gave me homework!!! Haha... I told him he needed to email me the list of things he needed me to send him (stuff for paperwork) and he also informed me I would need to look into apartments/houses/jobs in NC! I'm gonna be a busy little lady now! I can see the stress already coming. But it's okay. I'll handle it. Or if you know me, I'm a procrastinator... so... I'll probably put it off!!! Haha, its important though if I want to move with him. AND I DO!!!!! I just think it's so hard to find somewhere to live without being able to see the place in person. 

I'm pretty tired but I know there's things I should be doing. Like, laundry, or cleaning up my room and unpacking my bags. I don't feel like it though haha. 

I think I'm going to get ready for bed. I bought some stuff from Wal-Mart and I think I'll organize it first

Mrs. Jessica Ann Carey  <--- :D I still can't believe it!!!

September 6, 2010

But it helps me on those lonely nights. It's that one thing that keeps me alive. Knowing that you wait for me. Ever so patiently

Day One:
My babe's on his way to SOI. :'(
[So hard to let him go, but so proud to watch him leave]
I wanted to run after him and not let him go. It's the worst feeling ever. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't feel like doing anything. I just want one more hug and one more kiss. I miss him and it's only been like 3 hours or something. And he's not getting my texts which makes it even worse! I have to email him or FB him, or call him and he doesn't have his voice-mail set up, so there's no point in calling him if he can't pick up. Ugh. I hate saying goodbye. I know I will see him again, eventually, but it sucks having to 'survive' without him until then. I hate not being able to talk to him every day and I hate not waking up next to him. I hate not knowing I'll get to see him after work or knowing I won't be doing anything special with him for how ever long. And then when he does get back, we don't do anything we say we want to do because we'd rather be relaxing, or at least I know he wants to. And then everyone wants to see him so plans get messed up. And there's never enough time for everything.

Every time he leaves, I feel like literally he takes half my heart with him. I'm so sad. I know it will pass in a few days but it sucks. I'm always afraid that when I said good bye, it was the last time I'll ever see him. :'( 

I love you Pat♥ I'll see you soon.

Mrs. Jessica Ann Carey♥

September 4, 2010

Breezin down the freeway just me and my baby, in our ride // Just me and my boss no worries at all ♥

Tried out the new design stuff on blogger... but I can't get the date tab above the posts to change from that red to transparent :( ugh.

I have to work at 3 and I know we're going to be BUSY tonight. I'm there till midnight and I'm sure it's going to suck. :(

It's weird saying and thinking I have a 'hubby' or I'm a 'Mrs' :) Still getting used to it.
Hubby didn't get Recruiter's Assistant, kinda sucks. No it really sucks. Because this week has been... I can't even explain. Just not how it should have been and he'll be gone for 2 months? This sucks.

I'm so tired. I want to post all the pics from Parris Island, Fam day, and graduation. But I feel so blah and out of it. I should be jumping off the walls with happiness because he's home and we GOT MARRIED! But I feel like I haven't seen him this week. Like we didn't talk except for the days we were at the cabin. When we get home at night we're so tired we fall asleep immediately, or when we're out there's always people around talking to him. It's like I didn't get any alone time. No time to talk about important things. Or even to just lay and cuddle together. And tomorrow I'm sure will be hell. His mom has some picnic planned and he has to get all his uniforms together and all his stuff and I think say bye to people he didn't get to see.  It's going to be busy and I just want time to stop and us to be ALONE. I don't even care if we talk I just want to BE HELD.


Wait for Me (Theory of a Deadman Unofficial Music Video)

September 3, 2010

Fort Minor - ''Where'd You Go'' Official Music Video HD

I'm married!
My husband's a United States Marine!
Didn't think my wedding day would be like it was.
This week has been hectic and crazy and ... I don't even know.
So much has gone on and its just not how I imagined it or planned it =\

It kind of sucks.

August 21, 2010

Day 81 [Crucible is almost over!]

6 more hours and my love will be a United States Marine!!!!!! I can't believe it, I thought this day would never come! And I definitely thought I'd never make it to this day!!! I would like to thank the best family and close friends in the universe for my strength and also all the new friends I have met along the way!!!! All the ladies of Hotel Company and a few USMC gals I have also met! I couldn't do it without you guys. I really thought I wouldn't be able to. It feels good to know as sad as I was when Pat first left, I was able to overcome that and it got better as the days went by! I love you all!

And I especially love Patrick Carey!! I can't live without you and I don't even want to fathom what it would be like if I didn't have you in my life! You deserve this babe and you will make a fine Marine :) I'm so excited to be your wife and spend the rest of my life with you. I can't wait to see you. 4 more days babe. I love you truly. ♥

Semper Fi
My ♥ belongs to a United States Marine

August 19, 2010

Day 79 [Crucible!]

The Crucible started at 2am this morning! Please keep all of Hotel Company and their friends and family in your prayers today! In 42 hours our men will be United States Marines!

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters. Rev. 7.17
He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

August 18, 2010

Day 78 [Getting so close!]

How ironic is that, I decided to post exactly 10 days after the last one ;) Maybe 8's my number, or 10?! Lol...

I have been super busy. Which is a good thing. It keeps my mind running and not being depressed. I think that's why I'm not sure where July went!! I really, honestly can not say what I did in the month of July, that is how fast it went. Weird, huh? I remember it being rough sometimes, but honestly it's really like we just skipped the whole month all together! Now these last 8 days... ya they're dragging just a little bit. Nothing to bad, just every once in a while, during the day-- I'm like "Okay, come'on, let's move on. Let the sun go down" lol... I have been a little bothered by something else too. And I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if it's bad or good, or what. I feel like I need to and I want to definitely, cry sometimes. And I can't. Like I literally can not cry. And I feel like it's a horrible thing. I think of Pat and how much I miss him and how I need him, and the tears shouldn't come like they should or like they would have a month ago. Is that bad? I'm always afraid of "forgetting" about Pat. Like waking up one day and totally forgetting the idea of him and everything he is. I feel like its a bad thing I can't cry right now. But maybe it's because I know I'll see him soon ???? I DON'T KNOW! But the worst part is, I don't cry when I read his letters over! I might get teary-eyed, but I don't BALL like I was before. ????? It's frustrating. I just don't know what it means.

Anyway, I've been working a lot. And trying to work on the scrap book. I'm going to take some pics and post them on here. I know I don't get ANY traffic to this site, but eventually maybe I'll get some USMC gals and they'll appreciate the stuff I post. LOL.

I've been hanging with my bestest, Amanda lately. It's been great. Really what I needed and I missed her. We used to be inseparable and then I guess, life happened! LOL, she went to cosmetology school and was working and I was working and dealing with Pat and we just lost touch. But now we're back together and even thinking about getting a place together! I want to move with Pat so BAD because I hate being away from him, but if I had to wait until he was done with schooling and stuff, I would totally move in with Amanda. It would be awesome. Honestly, it probably should have happened a long time ago!! 

=) I'm writing Pat's last letter today I think. That will give him a letter on Monday, or the latest Tuesday, before we see him on Fam Day. He starts the Crucible at 3am tonight/next morning. I'm praying for him. I want him to do great. I don't think he'll give up. He's not that type. But I don't want him to get hurt if he's pushing himself harder than he should. I'm scared. Yes, the Crucible scares me a little. They expect 1-2 casualties every Crucible, what if Pat's that one... I would die. I think he would die. It would be horrible.

I don't mean to cut this short, but when I don't post for days, I tend to ramble in one big post. And then nobody would read it even if I did get traffic =) I have to take a shower though. 

----If any of you girls are going through the Marine Corps stuff, feel free to contact me
I know I'm only at the beginning of our Marine Corps journey, but I have learned A LOT already about the Corps and I want to help other girls. =)----

I love my hero♥

August 8, 2010

Day 68/88

I miss you so much, it hurts
...I need you like I need air
I know I'm stronger than this
But it's so hard
I don't even know what I'm thinking
I don't know what's going on
I need you.
I need to know you're still there

August 7, 2010

Day 67/88 !!! [Getting close!]

Ahhhh!! We're so close! I can't believe how fast July and now August, have gone compared to June! June was horribly long and dragged out! It sucked so bad. But now I only have 18 days till I'm driving down to SC to see my babe! I can't wait for Family Day. That will be Thursday and it will be the first official day I see Pat. I think it's like 3 or 4 hours with him and he'll show us all around PI and we'll have lunch. I'm not sure if we should bring lunch in a cooler or just stick it out in the lines. I don't know yet. I'm so excited! Our cabin get-away is going to be perfect too! Then on the Monday we get home, we'll get the marriage license and schedule an appointment with a judge!! I can't wait to be married to my other half!! He makes me so happy!

I've gotten a few letters in the last two weeks, more than I though I would. They're supposed to be really busy. Maybe next week I won't get so many ? Idk... but Pat had his wisdom teeth, all 4, removed and they cracked one of the other teeth while they were doing it. He said it hurts really bad but he goes back on admin week to get it fixed. What else has he said? .... He made me something!! I wouldn't say what and he said his materials were limited but I'm going to die when I see it! He said some of the other guys tried to call him gay and make fun of him for making it but he said "You know me, I squashed that shit right away" He said he loves me so much and he doesn't care what people think :) I have the best guy ever. He said a lot of the guys keep asking about our wedding and want to be invited.

I love getting letters from him! They're so nice and I love reading them over and over. =) I have lots to do today (it's my day off) So I better start now, or I'll end up doing nothing all day!

♥ I love Patrick!

July 30, 2010

Day 60 [Excited to be Mrs. Jessica Ann Carey!!!]

I'm so excited to marry Pat!!! And it's ten times better because he SOOO excited too! It's all he talks about in his letters! I want to put them on here, but I think they're too personal. I read them to my sister (which I love doing, we analyze everything) and I read snippets to other people. I decided to make them their own scrap book for right now. I didn't have anything from before when Pat was a poolee so I can't really do much with all that until graduation and after. So I decided I'll put them in the scrap book and then I'll have them forever! =) I'm so excited to see him. He told me in Sunday's letter that he was going to hate when I go to work and he can't see me, but he knows I have to work =( I wish he wouldn't have told me that because now it's going to be really hard for me to want to go. I would have been better off if he didn't say it LOL. I can't wait though. There's so much I want to do and talk about and I feel like I need to start prepping now!! I want to pack already!!! LOL and I want to get his goodie bag together now, but I'm afraid of the candy/chocolate/etc getting hard or not tasting good. So I'm going to wait till like the week before. (And I have to remember to get the bag for the goodies from Walmart. They have the present bags really cheap)

There's so much going on and so much I need to do. I've become unorganized the past few weeks and it's messing everything up =\ I don;t even know where I am!

Need to figure everything out and get grounded again.

I love Patrick

July 29, 2010

Day 59 [11 Pages of Love]

Well thankfully, I got deferred from jury duty. I almost cried when I listened to the voice message the jury clerk left me. I was so happy. That night though, Dad broke some bad news about my car. I'm getting screwed left and right with the car. Because we waited to tell them to do it (had to make sure I was going to be able to use all the money, mom FREAKED, it's going to cost $4800) someone else bought the head! There's only a few in the US!!!!!!!!! What are the chances of someone needing one really?!? UGHHH. I'm so pissed. Barry said they can't find any. It could be weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do. Dad's coming with us to the graduation which is AWESOME. I'm really happy about that because I was stressing about it. I thought he wouldn't be able to. But now, how am I going to get to Hocking Hills???? I'll have to rent a car and I didn't factor that into anything because it wasn't supposed to ever happen. Now I think I'm going to have to not make big payments on my bills the next two paychecks, so I can save money for a rental car and then there's other things. Gas money, clothes for Pat- he's not going to fit into anything he owns, I have to get contacts, my hair done, nails- maybe ?, food for the cabin, goodie bag for Pat, food in South Carolina, I don't even know what else. I'm sure I'm missing tons of stuff. It's really stressful.

I have to work till midnight tonight, fun fun. I don't feel like doing anything. I've been having weird dreams and not sleeping well...

I dreamt of Pat last night, but I don't remember =(=(

July 27, 2010

Day 57 [Good luck ran out]

I got summoned for JURY DUTY! On AUGUST 17th! That means it would interfere with Pat's grad dates of August 25-27 and then our get-away August 28-30 and ALSO us going to the court house to get a marriage license and MARRIED!!! UGHHHHHHH. I feel horrible. I'm so upset. I called and the lady said they'd "defer" me, but I don't want to be at jury duty during Pat's 10 days of leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel sick. The lady said I had to write about my plans and I added about Uncle Eddie. I don't know if she'll care, or if it even matters but I wrote that I had no faith in our judicial system and I don't feel comfortable being apart of a decision that will change the rest of someone's life whether they are a criminal or not.

Maybe I'll take that part out... I don't know. She said the way the deferral works is if there's another trial, so there could not be one for later and then I can deal with it then. I hate stuff like this! I'm so stressed now!! AND NOT TO MENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

last night the confirmation number and invoice for our Cabin at Hocking Hills... was....


omg.... I'm going to freak out.

i need to lay down.