April 1, 2011

have you ever been to heaven at night?

Today is one of those days.
I miss Pat. I'm bored. And anxious. 
I hate that feeling I get when I know I won't see Pat.
I can hold it off for about half a day. 
When I wake up in the morning, I'm okay.
By lunch, I'm still okay.
Even by three o'clock, I'm still okay. But then it starts.
That kind of gut wrenching, sick, deep in my stomach feeling.
Knowing he's not coming home from work. 
That I won't see him when I go to bed.
That I won't even get a phone call or text.

It's the worst feeling in the world. It passes. But sometimes I get nervous that one day it will just stay with me forever. Is this how I'm going to feel if I lose him to Afghanistan? Will I ever be okay again if that happens? I don't have a confident outlook on that situation. Not at all. It will be the end of the world for me and I don't know if I will recoup from it. I pray, that is not what God has planned for us.

I wish I had a puppy. I wouldn't feel as lonely when I'm at home.

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