February 8, 2011

Is it wrong of me...

Is it wrong of me to pay more attention to writing my thoughts down and venting, when Pat's not home? I feel like when he leaves I do post more, it's like therapy. But when he is here, I'm just as stressed but for some reason I don't vent on here. Which in turn, I think, makes me bottle up everything ten times worse. It's like if he's here, I have to forget about my problems and be there for him. Which I'm totally, 100% there for him. I know I will never ever go through what he is going to go through. I know that most people will never see what he will see while he's deployed. BUT, I can't help but realize I put myself second to him while he's home. And I just don't think it's healthy. Not for me, or him, or our relationship.

I think I will try more to do what I need to do for myself and us, and not always let it seem like I'm putting myself last. I really feel that I let Pat control me. For example: when Pat wants/needs to go to bed, I have to come with him. It's the sweetest thing ever, to hear someone say they need you. To say they can't sleep without you and that if you're not there with them, they don't feel safe. BUT, I lose valuable 'alone' time or maybe catching up on my favorite tv show that won't be on after the season is over. Or maybe cleaning, or laundry, things I would do before I would normally go to bed. But I'm somewhat forced to let those things go, try to get everything done before he gets off work the next day, and then go to bed with him when it's his bed-time. I don't think that's healthy because I think I'm already getting irritated by it and one day I'm going to lash out on him. And I don't want to do that. I just want him to realize, I'm here. Maybe a few times a week, I'll come to bed when I'M ready. I don't tell him when to eat, go to bed, or anything. I just want him to realize we can't do that to each other. What happens when we have a kid?! The kid will have to come first, not Pat.


Little update: cat's fixed. They had it fixed in less than a week. Bad part was, my transmission went. $5000. Ya, this car is definitely bad luck. I think it's the blue. So now, the money I had withdrawn for my credit card debt, was used to get the car fixed so I could get a job and now I'm still in debt. And I'm probably going to go faulty on my bills because I don't think I'll get a job before I run out of the little money I have to make minimum payments. It sucks. Mom said it good though. Did I really think I was going to get ahead? I'm too young to have 'gotten ahead' and to be set. It's just not fair. I'm so lucky I didn't pay all my bills the week before it happened. If I had, I have no idea how I would have gotten the car fixed.

Pat will be leaving soon for training. And it's been extended. Which sucks. I was only supposed to be 2 weeks, now it's a month. And on top of that, Pat was told he had to buy mandatory tickets to the unit's special dinner or something (haven't gotten full details yet) well I'm not sure if I heard him correctly but the tickets were either $150 a piece for both of us or $150 for the both of us. Either way, we don't have $150 to spare for a stupid dinner. I won't be able to pay 2 bills now. And he tried to tell his Ssgt but it's mandatory. I don't want to go! I guess it's formal which means I will have to go buy a dress or skirt, being that I don't have nice, formal ones! So I'm going into even more debt.

I don't know why this is happening to us, but I will take whatever punishment God is giving me and hope it will be over soon so I can work on getting our financial life back in order! UGH.

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