February 9, 2011

The nights I don't dream about you, are the nights I stay up just thinking of you.

I don't feel good at all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I did drink too much on Super Bowl Sunday and was hungover Monday, but I shouldn't be feeling like crap still. And the way I felt Monday wasn't normal either. Pat decided we should get a pregnancy test. We aren't trying to have a baby and it would be very unlikely that I could have even gotten pregnant. But I just feel weird, too weird. And it could explain it. Mom agrees. 

This would not be good timing for a baby, though. Not at ALL. And Pat will be veryyyyy upset. Mad, even. We just couldn't do it. And I know he firmly believes that if he dies in Afghan, then a baby would be a burden for me. And he refuses to get me pregnant and then die. Which is absolutely ridiculous. A baby would help me cope with his death if that happened and then I would have a piece of Pat with me always. He doesn't see it that way and we argue about it all the time. I've talked to other Marine wives and their husband's have the same messed up concept. Guys are dumb. 

My head feels like it's just going to roll off of my shoulders. I feel so lazy. I don't want to move. I don't want to leave the house. I lose weight when I drink then two days later I've gained 4 pounds and I barely ate anything! I've been working out and not losing weight. Adjusted my eating habits, yes some days I fail. Headaches constantly. Not consistent bowel movements, chest pain above my breasts, cramps when I'm no where near my period. I should go to the doctor but I'll be leaving after Pat does, to go home and get my name changed [FINALLY] and that's soon.

Maybe when I get back. But I know I'm just going to wait it out and let my body do it's thing.


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