Baby Fever

It comes and it goes, but tonight it's bad. I want to start a family. But then again, I think maybe I don't. It is so frustrating. I don't know what the 'right' choice is, is there a 'right' choice? Does Pat ever want kids? I'm beginning to think he doesn't and maybe that's why it bothers me so much. What if he never wants to? Can I live without never having a family? That's how I feel. We're not a family if we don't have a child. And then if he just gives in, will it still turn out to be the perfect life I've always dreamt of? I don't know what the next step actually is, but I feel like something iscoming or something needs to be done. I'm anticipating something but I don't know what it is. I hate this feeling. And I feel like Pat's holding something back but I don't know what it is, if anything. I wish I could read his mind. Seriously.

have you ever been to heaven at night?

Today is one of those days.
I miss Pat. I'm bored. And anxious. 
I hate that feeling I get when I know I won't see Pat.
I can hold it off for about half a day. 
When I wake up in the morning, I'm okay.
By lunch, I'm still okay.
Even by three o'clock, I'm still okay. But then it starts.
That kind of gut wrenching, sick, deep in my stomach feeling.
Knowing he's not coming home from work. 
That I won't see him when I go to bed.
That I won't even get a phone call or text.


It's the worst feeling in the world. It passes. But sometimes I get nervous that one day it will just stay with me forever. Is this how I'm going to feel if I lose him to Afghanistan? Will I ever be okay again if that happens? I don't have a confident outlook on that situation. Not at all. It will be the end of the world for me and I don't know if I will recoup from it. I pray, that is not what God has planned for us.


I wish I had a puppy. I wouldn't feel as lonely when I'm at home.

Day 21 of SOI ♥♥

Be my shelter from the warmth // my shield of armor in danger // my companion from loneliness // my sense from delusion // my dream from reality // be my everything

Pat has made this so much easier. At first it was rough like boot camp. But he's made it easier just by the things he says. He makes me feel wanted, needed, and loved. For a while before(long before boot camp), I thought I lost all that. I thought he didn't need me. That he didn't need me to survive. I've come to realize that I didn't lose him and it is okay to be dependent without relying on the other person. I still feel like I need him to live but I know I can survive (kinda) on my own. Or at least it's bearable because I know I will see him in the end. So I force myself to be okay with out him. But as soon as he's with me, you better believe my world is revolving around him again =) to a point... ♥

I can't wait to see my babe! I'm gonna hug him like a little girl hugs her favorite stuffed bear and never let go! I miss him like crazy but I'm so excited to see him again. I can't wait. I feel like we start fresh every time we see each other and the little spark of excitement and rush runs through me, all over again. That feeling you get when you've fallen in love... I get to feel that over and over!

:) just had the best conversation ever.

I can't even put into words how I feel. I feel amazing :) I feel like I just fell in love all over again. When you can hear and feel the emotion in someone's words, it's very reassuring. Especially when they are miles and miles away from you. I feel so much better now. I don't know why I get so insecure sometimes and let things bother me when I know they aren't true or aren't going to happen! I have a problem of letting what people say get to me. I don't know why I listen to them. I know what my relationship is and what it is based on and everything. Sometimes my thoughts just run wild. I have to remember, girls just want everyone to be miserable like them and bring them down. And are jealous or upset that they don't have what you have. That's why they say the things they do. 

:) Thanks to Audri, Amanda, and Ash. I don't know what I would do without them if they weren't here to help me while Pat's gone. They keep me grounded♥

I love you so much Pat. I can't wait to be in your arms again and have you all to myself:)

But it helps me on those lonely nights. It's that one thing that keeps me alive. Knowing that you wait for me. Ever so patiently

Day One:
My babe's on his way to SOI. :'(
[So hard to let him go, but so proud to watch him leave]
I wanted to run after him and not let him go. It's the worst feeling ever. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't feel like doing anything. I just want one more hug and one more kiss. I miss him and it's only been like 3 hours or something. And he's not getting my texts which makes it even worse! I have to email him or FB him, or call him and he doesn't have his voice-mail set up, so there's no point in calling him if he can't pick up. Ugh. I hate saying goodbye. I know I will see him again, eventually, but it sucks having to 'survive' without him until then. I hate not being able to talk to him every day and I hate not waking up next to him. I hate not knowing I'll get to see him after work or knowing I won't be doing anything special with him for how ever long. And then when he does get back, we don't do anything we say we want to do because we'd rather be relaxing, or at least I know he wants to. And then everyone wants to see him so plans get messed up. And there's never enough time for everything.


Every time he leaves, I feel like literally he takes half my heart with him. I'm so sad. I know it will pass in a few days but it sucks. I'm always afraid that when I said good bye, it was the last time I'll ever see him. :'( 


I love you Pat♥ I'll see you soon.


Love,
Mrs. Jessica Ann Carey♥

Day 45 [I stand by my Man]

It's Thursday and I got Sunday's letter today!!! =)=) They just keep getting better and better! And he had two of my questionnaires that he sent back, which was nice. I know what size he wears so I can look into shirts for him. He said Large, but then said maybe M... We'll stick with large. I hope he's not a medium, that might be too thin for me. I like my guy buff =) I think this is one of the best letters yet. Just reading it you can see the love and emotion pouring out of it. It makes me feel really good inside. And makes me think "Ya, that's my guy" ::Sigh:: I can't wait till he gets home. I think it might be bad though! How am I going to go to work and not just want to quit and walk out and go be with him?! Or how am I really going to want to do anything or see anyone else besides, Pat?! I feel it already... we're like magnets already pulling ourselves together and once we finally are, nobody's going to be able to pull us apart!! I'm so excited for our future. There's so much we're going to do and all this stuff he has planned. I finally feel like my life is on track. Or at least I know that I have things I have to prepare for and look forward to. Before I didn't know. I couldn't tell you what my life would be like 6 months down the road. But I feel better now =) It's a great feeling and even better knowing I'll be spending it with him♥

I'm a busy little lady =) Gots things to do!

xoxo

i♥PC

Day 32 [The Marine Corps has my bf, but I have his heart]

Okay... well yesterday was a busy day and I wanted to type a letter for Pat and answer all his questions from the letter I got. I was semi-successful. I wasn't able to add pictures to it like he wanted but I told him from now on I would just type them and include a pic every day. (I was putting pics of like jokes or things off of news sites, but I guess he wants more of me!) Well I also decided to take the "shout-out" pics I've been planning, yesterday. It went well. =) I did my hair, makeup, and chose 4 different tops. I had to take them myself because no one was home to but they came out good. Then I picnik'd them, which of course I'll show you in a sec. It was my first time using picnik so I was just getting used to and I was having some trouble on the collage part. The program/site wouldn't let me make the individual pic smaller in it's own box so some of my sheets of paper are cut off. You can still tell what they said though. Pat will get the point.

I was hoping for a letter today but I didn't get one. I should have known. I'm starting to see a pattern in his letters. There's a few days a week he doesn't write or he'll combine the letters, which is fine. I like reading long ones instead of short ones. The short ones leave me wanting more! I got my 2nd Batt. hoodie and my "boyfriend is a marine" shirt(yellow for 2nd batt) in the mail today. I'm excited! Now I don't know what to wear... I got my dress yesterday in the mail, which I like but I'm not sure... maybe if I keep losing weight I'll like it better. It's a black summer dress, empire waist. And it has two sheer layers, which I think makes it look a little bunchy, I guess ?? I dunno... we'll have to see.
I working on getting a bunch of pics picnik'd now so I have them and can just add them when I write letters. I'm going to be really busy with work for 8 days in a row. And I work till midnight like all those days. Plus I HAVE to make time to go to the gym. So either I'll go before, or I'll go when I get off.

Hopefully my car will be done by next Monday. There was some miscommunication between Barry and his mechanics, and some were sick, and he wasn't there last week. They told my Dad the the heads were being sent out then. On this past Monday, Dad called Barry and Barry apologized saying all this stuff, but the HEADS WEREN'T EVEN SENT OUT ON MONDAY!!! :( and with the Holiday weekend... I'm getting royally screwed and I need my car!!! I honestly don't know how I'm getting to work those 8 days in a row. This is horrible. From now one I'm buying brand new!!!

[ILoveYouPat]
xoxo

Day 24 [The happiest day I've had so far and its all because of a letter]

!!!!!!

The wait was worth it!! Pat's letter that came today was from Sunday. On Sunday's they get more time to write so the letters are always longer and detailed. This one was everything I've ever asked of him and more! He wrote everything I needed to hear and it was amazing! I love him so much and I can't wait tell he's home. I can't even describe the feeling I got when I read this one. It was amazing. ::sigh:: I feel like I'm love struck all over again!! I haven't felt this strongly in love with him for years [remember we've been together 6.5 years next month and we've had our problems] ♥♥♥♥ That rush you get when you see your love, is what I got reading his letter! I'm so happy =) I think I'm going to go read it again!!

Hope everyone's having a good day!
Jessi ♥'s Pat

Marine Girlfriend Boot Camp Statement

Marine Girlfriend Boot Camp

I feel like I’m in boot camp
Boot Camp for Marine Girlfriends
I’m learning how to become self sufficient
I’m learning my true feelings for my man
I’m learning how to sleep on my own

To not eat, to not sleep, to be deprived of what was “normal living” for me
I’m being questioned and learning how to answer the hardest ones of all.
How do you do it without him?
Why do you put yourself through this?
Why do you stay with him?

My love, my body, and my mind are going through rigorous training.
My heart will face a Crucible
In the end I will come out a Marine Girlfriend
One that knows her duties, commitment, and place in the Marine Corps.

I will learn how to engage in conversation with complete strangers.
I will learn to use and be patient with the United States Post Office.
I will learn how to train my mind, not to break down every second of the day
I will do all of this in 13 weeks, miles away from my man.

And on his graduation day, I too will have accomplished something.
I will have stood behind him and stood there for myself.
I will come out with honor, courage, sacrifice,
and above all commitment to my Marine.

Day 6 [real bad.]

I don't know what it is today. But its real bad. And I keep making it worse by thinking of all kinds of other things, too. I think I'm going to make myself sick until I get a letter from him. That has to be what it is. Maybe this week will go fast, real fast.

I went to the Y after work today. I did an elliptical for 30 mins and then walked the track. I didn't keep track of how many times... I was there a while. Just walking and thinking. Then I did the sauna for 10 mins straight. Although that really didn't do anything, I felt good afterward. And my phone started to get hot. I guess Pat was lucky to have the Otterbox on his iPhone. He could go in there for like an hour and nothing would happen to his phone. That's okay, I'm going to use my bluetooth wireless headphones, leave my phone in the locker and go in the sauna that way. I should be able to walk that far away from my phone. We'll test it out sometime this week. I don't know about tomorrow... I work 3 to 11 and I have to find out what the warranty co. is going to do about my car. And I have a bad feeling. So if all that goes bad, I have to deal with it before work. And I don't think I'll have time to go to the Y. Although I do want to :(

I'm trying to keep my mind off of Pat right now. It seems like that's ALL I'm thinking about and to make it worse one of the kids who left before him is graduating in a few days so he has liberty now... and he's been on facebook... and yea I had to read everything and it made me sad and miss Pat more. Then I had to see everyone else's statuses. And they scare me. One was something about going out on in the field for training for ten days... no cell phone. UGH... or others bitch about where they are. And I don't want Pat to hate it... what if he does? UGH. And then another minor problem... all the girls that try to talk to these guys... I don't know how I'm going to deal with that! Just another problem to think about! I'm burying myself!!

I wonder if Pat thinks about me throughout the day? I'd imagine he's to busy to... everyonce in a while I whisper I love you to him, hoping he might hear it♥
i♥youPat.

passingtime

I noticed I'm missing a few dvds... :( I'm really upset about this because they were my favorites and I have no idea where they could be! Missing: Tranformers, Twilight, and The 5th Element. And those are just the ones I've noticed so far. The 5th Element was at my house last, I know for sure and its not in here. Transformers was at Pat's and I could only think that maybe Stephen has it because he had my other movies. And Twilight... I don't know... maybe at Pat's ??? I cleaned his room out completely though, and nothing of mine is left in there. So where could they be? Ugh.

So I found out that days off are even harder. Throughout today I have cried three times and I find myself completely empty. Completely lost. I know you might not want to continue to read about this but Pat told me he would read all my posts when he got back. He used to read my blog and not tell me, so I figured since I can't write to him yet, I'll explain how I'm feeling on here. And I just need to tell him. I really hope he gets to write by next week. This is so hard and I just keep thinking about everyone else who's gone to boot camp and has come back. They all were gone for months before they came home for memorial day. Some are still here, some were only here for the weekend. Some didn't get to come home. What am I going to do when its the same for Pat? Go the rest of the year without him? Because that's pretty much what it will be. And I know if I write to him and tell him all that, he'll get scared that I'm going to leave him like last time. --(When we rented a house a few years ago, he traveled with my dad and was gone a lot. And it was hard and I was young and didn't know what I wanted. so we had some problems and I told him I couldn't do it and we were breaking up. It sent him into a downward spiral that was really really bad and he ended up lying to come home from New York to save our relationship and getting fired at the same time)-- So I know what he'll think. He'll freak out and there's nothing he can do about it down there. I don't want to scare him at all, because that's not what would happen. I would not leave him because of this even though I say its hard. I'm just nervous that I won't be able to handle it and need him to tell me it will be okay. Its just how I am. I need to be reassured and deal with it day to day like I am. And some of it is because I feel like I'm not in control with any of this. Its not a normal job where he can say he wants time off and come home. I just needed to vent.

I'm watching Two and a Half Men Season 2 right now and reading College Humor's Guide to College, with Shadow in the room. I miss Harley a lot, but I'm thankful Shadow's still around. Dad's bringing something to eat, I haven't eaten all day and I'm down to 217.8 [Initial weigh in was: 221] That's something to make me smile. But I'm afraid when I do get my appetite back I'll put it back on. And if I don't start going to the Y, I'll never lose this weight. I feel really pressured.

♥youPat.

Day 5/88... I think I counted wrong.

I'm pretty sure Pat will be gone longer than 88 days. Idk... he said his graduation would be tentatively August 27th. --- Oh, maybe I didn't... either way it feels like it has already been a MONTH! I don't know what I'm going to do when he comes home for 10 days and then has to leave for mct or itb or what ever it is. Even if I can talk to him then, it doesn't matter- I want to be with him.

Its been storming and raining the last few days, and today. And I don't care. Its how I feel. I could care less if it rained all summer. Nothing really matters to me when Pat's not around. I can't stop thinking about him. This sucks. Wow, I sound depressed. I'm surprised I haven't started drinking every night. And I'm really contemplating buying a pack of cigarettes. Half my brain wants me to and the other half says 'Jes, you know you don't want to smoke'. Which is true. I don't. But I do so bad. Maybe I'll buy a BlackandMild. That might curb this need.

I need to do some grocery shopping, so I stop eating at work. I've lost 4 pounds this week. I know I shouldn't be doing it the way I am, but I'm not really hungry. Plus I was waking up only 3 hours before work, so I wasn't hungry enough to eat breakfast. But I ate a meal at work on break and then wouldn't eat anything when I got home. I just have to watch how many energy drinks I consume... I feel like I need them at work and I've been buying the big can of Rockstar because the price is really good. But I have lost weight and that's what matters. I just have to find time and motivation to workout again. I was thinking about going to the BikeTrail today, but its raining now. Maybe I'll do the treadmill or elliptical. Maybe I'll go to the Y. I don't know. I just want to talk Pat. I just want to hear his voice...

I went on a small shopping spree online today. Usually that helps my mood, but it didn't seem to. I didn't feel happy about it. And I didn't buy anything I felt like I really needed. [I did need sandals, and got one pair] I feel gross and disgusting and just blah. I want to look good for Pat when he gets home but I feel so out of it that it depresses me even more when I think about it! Its a horrible, vicious cycle. I don't even feel like reading and usually when I'm dealing with something bad, I consume myself in a book. And I really just have no desire to do that either. Idk... I'll make it through this. I'm looking forward to Pat's first letter. I hope he hasn't changed too much from this past week.

i♥youPat.

p.s. i was creeping on fb and one of the kids pat knows that is out of bootcamp is getting ready to go to Okinawa, Japan... for 2 years. I got kind of scared.... that makes me nervous because the last Pat said, he thought even if we were married I can't go over seas with him unless he was a sergeant. And I couldn't go that long without being with him, especially if we are married. I would and will always wait for Pat, but he might not realise what this is actually doing to me. I feel sick and I don't know what can happen... :(

Day 3. This is hard.

I think its hard because I know I have to wait so long to hear from him. And its driving me nuts. I just want to know how he's doing okay and that he's hanging in there and doing his best. Its frustrating. Every time I hear a car with a loud exhaust drive by, I think its him coming to pick me up - Even though his truck is sitting in the driveway :( I want summer to go so fast. And you would think this wouldn't be so hard. With my dad traveling since before I was born and Pat traveled with him two years ago too. And Pat was even gone for almost as long twice! But I think it is, because I have to wait to talk to him and I know he's going through hell. In his last voice message he told me to wait for him and that he was doing this for us. That it was the beginning of our lives. I just want him here with me. -- I never dream about Pat, but I started to last night. Nonsense dreams. We were goofing around before something like a basketball game or something weird, some weird place. I don't think it means anything. I think my mind was just trying to visualize him for me. Maybe I'll dream about him more. ♥

From Henry Rollins' Black Coffee Blues [cont. day 2/88]

#39: I walk straight lines. I walk through summer nights. I walk the silver rope of dreams. I walk through dawns of dawns. There's not a lot that isn't dying. I see people parading in front of each other like insect in a killing jar, watching each other die. I walk the straight lines through the Christ machines. Through the eyes of the throwaway people. Through the wards and the shores and the cracks in the skulls of the sidewalks. Through love's howling vacancy. I am the freedom soil. I dig my own grave. I resurrect myself every night. I am all things to myself. I walk the straight lines. I walk the spider's jailhouse. I walk the think line, the thin line, the white line and all the lines in between. I wish I could trade in my eyes.
Henry Rollins

♥everythingsbittersweet.

thoughts.

SHOPPING LIST:
1) laptop.
2) xbox360

*I need these things asap. Donations are welcomed :)

Today is January 11th, 2010. Today is mine and Pat's six year anniversary. S I X year ANNIVERSARY. Wow, I know. We're not doing anything because we don't have money and frankly, I think Pat forgot or decided NOT to recognize it. Like all the other monthly anniversaries, he doesn't recognize them because "they don't matter". I'm not saying we have to recognize each one, but he could treat me special on that day or we could have a nice dinner... but no. "They don't matter". Well obviously neither does a YEAR, because were not doing anything special AT ALL. He didn't even think to save a FEW DOLLARS and do something NICE. I on the other hand, DID. He has two things arriving in the mail. Yes they are mostly for his birthday, but on the gift message for one of them I did note that I was saying happy anniversary by getting him that. And to make things worse, he has to watch what he eats and constantly be working out so even though today should be OUR day... its not because he has to put the other shit before it. Now mind you, I work the rest of the week. And I would love to be taken out to dinner and to eat a dinner with my boyfriend. I don't care if he has to lose weight, he can eat healthy with me.

I'm so pissed. And he can't and won't make this up for me. He'll be gone for Valentine's Day, my birthday, Easter, uhmm... Ashley's birthday. What else? I know there's other things he will be missing.

I'M SO MAD that you can't even do something nice that DOESN'T cost money! There's TONS of THINGS TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I can bet you a million dollars he will treat me like he always does. Just joking around and irritating me and doing stupid shit. All I ask for is one day when its not ALL ABOUT HIM!

Sean Kingston - I'm At War

[Chorus]:
(I'm at war)
Fightin' for the one that I love and the one that I truly need
(I'm at war)
Shawty I take a bullet for you girl cause you mean the world to me
(I'm at war)

[Sean Kingston]:
Me love you girl, you lovin' me
So dont fight together cause it was meant to be
Me feel like, I'm in the army
Cause to be with you, thats where my heart wanna be
It's like I'm about to die just to get with you
Feel like youre putting me through World War II
Got my soldier suit and my Timberland boots
Girl I'm down for whatever cause my love is true
(So I tell her) I'm at war with the love of my life
Sweat from my brows running down to my eyes
Everything you are is what I need in my life (My life, my life)

[Chorus]:
(I'm at war)
Fightin' for the one that I love and the one that I truly need
(I'm at war)
Shawty I take a bullet for you girl cause you mean the world to me
(I'm at war)

(At war, at war, at war, at war, at war. I'm at war)
(At war, at war, at war, at war, at war. I'm at war)

[Lil Wayne]:
Salute to all the veterans
And girl your love's like a nuclear weapon
I'm a five star purple hearter purple sparker camoflauger
Follow my every command and order
You can just call me Captain Carter
So let the missiles rain on your parade
Cause my love is a soldier and my heart is a grenade
(kabloom!)
I'll bomb any platoon, just call me World War Tune

[Chorus]:
(I'm at war)
Fightinn' for the one that I love and the one that I truly need
(I'm at war)
Shawty I take a bullet for you girl cause you mean the world to me
(I'm at war)

[Sean Kingston]:
Your mother said, don't talk to me (No!)
But it went through those ears girl, as I can see
So make me know whats your fantasies
Cause baby girl I think that stands to me
I'm on the front line and Im risking my life
I'll make a sacrifice just to have you by my side
Youre the one I love, youre the one I trust
I'll hurt someone that come between us
(So I tell her) I'm at war with the love of my life
Sweat from my brows running down to my eyes
Everything you are is what I need in my life (My life, my life)

[Chorus]:
(I'm at war)
Fightin' for the one that I love and the one that I truly need
(I'm at war)
Shawty I take a bullet for you girl cause you mean the world to me
(I'm at war)

Chaos

There are not enough words in the dictionary to describe what I am going through inside. These past weeks have been hell and now I come to realize that its been going on for years. There's so much I didn't know and I thought we were good at communicating. So much has been damaged and I don't know if it will ever be right. I have no reassurance and its frustrating. I don't know if it will be okay. I feel like I'm losing my soulmate. My best friend. My only true friend. I can't live my life without him. I'm not prepared to nor do I want to. But nothing seems right. Now we have trust issues and more problems then I think we had before! I don't get it. Love isn't suppose to hurt.

I just want someone to fight for me to stay too.

There's so much I want to do but I feel like I'm not good enough to do it.

"Cater 2 U"

[Verse 1 Beyonce]
Baby I See You Working Hard
I Want To Let You Know I'm Proud,
Let You Know That I Admire What You Do
The More If I Need To Reassure You, My Life Would Be Purposeless Without You (Yeah)
If I Want It (Got It)
When I Ask You (You Provide It)
You Inspire Me To Be Better
You Challenge Me For The Better
Sit Back And Let Me Pour Out My Love Letter

Let Me Help You
Take Off Your Shoes
Untie Your Shoestrings
Take Off Your Cufflinks (Yeah)
What You Want To Eat Boo? (Yeah)
Let Me Feed You
Let Me Run Your Bathwater
Whatever You Desire, I'll Aspire
Sing You A Song
Turn The Game On
I'll Brush Your Hair
Help Put Your Do Rag On
Want A Foot Rub? (Yeah)
You Want A Manicure?
Baby I'm Yours I Want To Cater To You Boy

[Chorus]
Let Me Cater To You
Cause Baby This Is Your Day
Do Anything For My Man
Baby You Blow Me Away
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More
Anything You Want Just Let Me Cater To You
Inspire Me From The Heart,
Can't Nothing Tear Us Apart
You're All That I Want In A Man;
I Put My Life In Your Hands
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More
Anything You Want, I Want To Cater To You

[Verse 2 Kelly]
Baby I'm Happy You're Home,
Let Me Hold You In My Arms
I Just Want To Take The Stress Away From You
Making Sure That I'm Doing My Part (Oh)
Boy Is There Something You Need Me To Do (Oh)
If You Want It (I Got It)
Say The Word (I Will Try It)
I Know Whatever I'm Not Fulfilling (Oh)
Another Woman Is Willing (Oh)
I'm Going To Fulfill Your Mind, Body, And Spirit

I Promise You (Promise You)
I'll Keep Myself Up (Oh)
Remain The Same Chick (Yeah)
You Fell In Love With (Yeah)
I'll Keep It Tight, I'll Keep My Figure Right
I'll Keep My Hair Fixed, Keep Rocking The Hottest Outfits
When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I'll Roll Over
Baby I Heard You, I'm Here To Serve You (I'm Lovin It, I'm Lovin It)
If It's Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy
All I Want To Do, Is Cater To You Boy

[Chorus]

[Bridge Michelle]
I Want To Give You My Breath, My Strength, My Will To Be Here
That's The Least I Can Do,
Let Me Cater To You
Through The Good (Good)
The Bad (Through The Bad)
The Ups And The Downs (Ups And Downs)
I'll Still Be Here For You
Let Me Cater To You
Cause You're Beautiful (You're Beautiful)
I Love The Way You Are (You Are)
Fulfill Your Every Desire (Desire)
Your Wish Is My Command (Command)
I Want To Cater To My Man
Your Heart (Your Heart)
So Pure Your Love Shines Through(Shines Through)
The Darkness We'll Get Through (So Much)
So Much Of Me Is You (Is You)
I Want To Cater To My Man [Chorus Out]

I don't know what I want

I'm lost. I need help finding my way back.
I can't help myself, how can I help anyone.
I'm alone. I don't even know me.
Where am I going when I can't even see.

Nothing feels right. This skin doesn't fit.
Just drifting through the light.
Not hearing, feeling, or seeing.

If change is constant, why does it feel like nothing is changing.
Feels as worse as it did before.
Is the hope still worth fighting for
I don't know anymore...


-- Bloggin' via the iTouch!

A deserted island fantasy

I wish I was trapped on a deserted island.

No human contact for however long! I would love this. People make me so mad and I think this would help me cope with it. I try to let it go and I can't. I try, I try different things, but I can't get my mind off how stupid, irritating, and disrespectful people are. It sucks when you go out of your way for people you THOUGHT were your friends!

Also here is my deserted island survey:
1) 5 movies you would bring (the only movies you'd have to watch for eternity over and over again)
*The Mummy*Aladdin*any Harry Potter movie*Twilight*The Office(any season)

Weird mix huh?

2) 3 books you would bring?
*The Quest*Ship of Fools*House

3) One electronic handheld?
My itouch and it's charger! Even if there is no Internet, I still have the games on it!!

4) 2 pictures?
*this one of me and Pat from Prom*and one of my dog, Harley

5) 1 CD
Marian Carey doesn't matter which one.

6) Which one would you bring? Favorite hoodie or favorite sweats?
Favorite hoodie, it's black and really cozy!

7) If you could only bring one huge case of canned fruit or canned beans, which would you bring?
Canned fruit

8) Handheld CD player with earphones or big radio/cd player with speakers?
Definitely radio/cd player so I can play my MC cd loud!

9) One phone call when you get to the island, who would you call?
My YiaYia

10) Would you want a fire already going or a little hut already built?
A hut, I could just figure out how to build a fire myself but I don't know if I could build a hut.

That was fun {:

-- Bloggin' via the iTouch!