One step closer...

Ash called me and asked if I had heard about Obama... Naturally I hadn't (I don't listen to the radio nor have I watched the news today). She told me Obama had banned fishing. Fishing? Really? Apparently they were talking about it on the radio and informed the people that it was a closed decision, they did it without the public knowing because they knew it would cause A LOT OF PROBLEMS. What were his reasons to ban fishing? Why would he do this? Why would you do it knowing how many people depend on it for actual food?! Let alone all the people that do it for recreational sport. I don't understand. She mentioned something about hunting also, but didn't know if he had banned or was planning on making a law against it. She did say it will only be law while he is president and they believe he'll only be a one term pres. She even told me about a girl who said her family would depend on fishing for food because they were poorer... how could he do this?

The reason this really bothers me is because of a story Ash told me months ago. It starts out with your typical elderly, paranoid grandpa type. (I think she said he was older) He told Ash about how the government, Obama, would start tracking us and taking our rights away and changing the whole structure of our government and military. We have heard things like this before from elder men, not saying that there isn't truth but we always think they are just paranoid and don't like change. But is this maybe the first step to Obama's plan? From what I can remember Ash said the guy told her Obama did not agree with our military and would destructure it, picking his own personal men and women... I don't remember the details of the conversation. But, the other day I read that Obama had only increased the military's wage for next year by a lousy 1.4%. That's less than what welfare was raised by! And all our military does for us, he really repaid them nicely. Is maybe what the old man told Ash actually coming true? And at the same time, did we really know what we were getting into by electing him president? I know for a fact I didn't want to vote... I don't know enough about the candidates. I'm never educated enough nor really understand their views and opinions. Its really pointless for me to vote, my vote is literally probably hurting the polls. I honestly can say this because I never have faith in who I'm voting for nor do I understand why they would be good for our country... my vote is just padding for that particular candidate.

I know our country's changing and its not always bad nor is it good. And we can't stop change. But it bothers me that I don't even know what to think when stuff like this happens. More and more, I don't want to be apart of something like this but I'm trapped. Would I really dare to move out of this country forever and start all over? I don't know. But I will tell you I have pondered the thought of leaving and taking up in a hut on a tropical island and living simple. No high maintenance things, not a ton of materialistic items. Going to the market and buying fresh fruit, meat, vegetables. Making small amounts of money but being happy and meeting new exotic people. Learning about other cultures and taking things slow. That sounds like how life could be. Free of the chains I live with now, where all that matters is money and if you don't got money, you can't live.

♥ life...

Sean Kingston - I'm At War

[Chorus]:
(I'm at war)
Fightin' for the one that I love and the one that I truly need
(I'm at war)
Shawty I take a bullet for you girl cause you mean the world to me
(I'm at war)

[Sean Kingston]:
Me love you girl, you lovin' me
So dont fight together cause it was meant to be
Me feel like, I'm in the army
Cause to be with you, thats where my heart wanna be
It's like I'm about to die just to get with you
Feel like youre putting me through World War II
Got my soldier suit and my Timberland boots
Girl I'm down for whatever cause my love is true
(So I tell her) I'm at war with the love of my life
Sweat from my brows running down to my eyes
Everything you are is what I need in my life (My life, my life)

[Chorus]:
(I'm at war)
Fightin' for the one that I love and the one that I truly need
(I'm at war)
Shawty I take a bullet for you girl cause you mean the world to me
(I'm at war)

(At war, at war, at war, at war, at war. I'm at war)
(At war, at war, at war, at war, at war. I'm at war)

[Lil Wayne]:
Salute to all the veterans
And girl your love's like a nuclear weapon
I'm a five star purple hearter purple sparker camoflauger
Follow my every command and order
You can just call me Captain Carter
So let the missiles rain on your parade
Cause my love is a soldier and my heart is a grenade
(kabloom!)
I'll bomb any platoon, just call me World War Tune

[Chorus]:
(I'm at war)
Fightinn' for the one that I love and the one that I truly need
(I'm at war)
Shawty I take a bullet for you girl cause you mean the world to me
(I'm at war)

[Sean Kingston]:
Your mother said, don't talk to me (No!)
But it went through those ears girl, as I can see
So make me know whats your fantasies
Cause baby girl I think that stands to me
I'm on the front line and Im risking my life
I'll make a sacrifice just to have you by my side
Youre the one I love, youre the one I trust
I'll hurt someone that come between us
(So I tell her) I'm at war with the love of my life
Sweat from my brows running down to my eyes
Everything you are is what I need in my life (My life, my life)

[Chorus]:
(I'm at war)
Fightin' for the one that I love and the one that I truly need
(I'm at war)
Shawty I take a bullet for you girl cause you mean the world to me
(I'm at war)

Planning

I was planning a trip to Washington D.C. but then I realized, I should be saving money for North Carolina. I really want to go to D.C. though. I'm torn. It was a really nice package too. I think about it some more, I guess.
I haven't heard anything from the NC district manager yet, which is really frustrating too. She called the store back but Annette wasn't there that day, so its been like two weeks since then. I know she's busy but, I'm moving regardless and I need the information immediately. And I should be the one talking to her anyway, not Annette. I could easily just send in my resume right now, myself. But I need them to know, its not a "maybe". I need to know about the areas and which stores I can even look at. I can't do anything until I know which store are available. Aghhhh. I'm so frustrated.

I haven't been having a very good week and it just makes me hate this place and EVERYONE here even more. I can't wait to move and start ALL over. I won't regret it one bit.

♥ its whatever.

I ♥ roller coasters!

Sheetz continued the new tradition of taking any employee who has been with the company for three or more years, somewhere this summer. Yesterday we went to Kennywood. (In Pittsburgh, PA) It was awesome! They provide transportation, food, and the tickets. But we were allowed to bring family/friends(pay for themselves) and drive separately. I rode with Amanda and Wendy who wanted to stay later and drove separate. We had a blast! It was so much fun and I was surprised and excited that Wendy would go on the roller coasters! I just never thought she was like that. I love roller coasters, but I won't lie. Before I get on them, I'm freaking out inside and I get a little scared. Not enough that I'll turn around and get off but I get really anxious, excited, and nervous all at the same time. After the ride is over, I'm fine and I could go back on the same one a hundred times if I could! I definitely want to thank Sheetz for taking us there. Last year(the first year) we went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which was cool but not much fun for some people. This year, they asked us for suggestions and I didn't think they would take us somewhere like an amusement park. (I suggested the zoo, because I really want to go) But they chose Kennywood which was PERFECT!

I really want to take Pat too. I don't know why but I really want him to go. I think he'll really like it and for some reason really want to share that experience with him. I don't know... its weird. I don't know what is going on between me and him, and I have no clue what I want from him. I'm so confused. There's days I hate him and wish I'd never met him, then there's days I want to make it work, but I don't see it being anything better than the worst. I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEAD. And he doesn't help at all! He just makes things even worse and does nothing to make me want to spend the rest of my life with him. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through. And no ones advice helps me figure anything out. UGHHH.

I have to work a few afternoon shifts this week because of all the people who went on vacation this week. There was 8 people or so! And I got fucked. Royally. And its not like anyone thanks you or anything like that. People are so conceited and ignorant. I can't wait to get out of here. Anyone who tells me, "you'll have the same problems down there that you have here." doesn't know what they are talking about. If you leave this state and come back, just driving around here you can see how depressed it is! And people aren't mean and unhappy other places! Yea every once in a while you'll encounter someone like that, but its not all the time. And I'll be glad to leave this rotting place.

If you want to pursue your dreams, you have to get out of Youngstown, Ohio. Ohio is only good for coming back to later in life where you just want an easy, quiet existence.

♥ Jessica.

A deserted island fantasy

I wish I was trapped on a deserted island.

No human contact for however long! I would love this. People make me so mad and I think this would help me cope with it. I try to let it go and I can't. I try, I try different things, but I can't get my mind off how stupid, irritating, and disrespectful people are. It sucks when you go out of your way for people you THOUGHT were your friends!

Also here is my deserted island survey:
1) 5 movies you would bring (the only movies you'd have to watch for eternity over and over again)
*The Mummy*Aladdin*any Harry Potter movie*Twilight*The Office(any season)

Weird mix huh?

2) 3 books you would bring?
*The Quest*Ship of Fools*House

3) One electronic handheld?
My itouch and it's charger! Even if there is no Internet, I still have the games on it!!

4) 2 pictures?
*this one of me and Pat from Prom*and one of my dog, Harley

5) 1 CD
Marian Carey doesn't matter which one.

6) Which one would you bring? Favorite hoodie or favorite sweats?
Favorite hoodie, it's black and really cozy!

7) If you could only bring one huge case of canned fruit or canned beans, which would you bring?
Canned fruit

8) Handheld CD player with earphones or big radio/cd player with speakers?
Definitely radio/cd player so I can play my MC cd loud!

9) One phone call when you get to the island, who would you call?
My YiaYia

10) Would you want a fire already going or a little hut already built?
A hut, I could just figure out how to build a fire myself but I don't know if I could build a hut.

That was fun {:

-- Bloggin' via the iTouch!

"Authority doesn't work without prestige, or prestige without distance." - Charles de Gaulle

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.
Buddha

Some much needed R&R is coming the next few days. I'm on 'vacation' because Pat was suppose to leave on the 20th. Well he got sick and gained weight so obviously, he has to get better and lose the weight. But I'm still taking the vacation days. If I don't I'll probably burn the store down and tell them all to fuck off. Its been that kind of year, already. Not a great way to start the year but I guess you can't control how stupid, ignorant, disrespectful, incompetent, and insensitive people can be. Especially the people you thought were 'friends' and still act like everything's okay! But whatever, I'm moving on and I'll just forget about all of you. You don't need me, I don't need you.

I have to take YiaYia to the doctors tomorrow and then Patrick made an appointment for me to talk to Sgt. Dudley. That douche-bag wants me to join the Marines. HA. I mean I totally would. Good job security, benefits, schooling, traveling, all the bonuses... but I don't think I can cut it in boot camp. Actually I already know hard it would be. I'm not the athletic type and I HATE being yelled at. I'll be crying every day. I know if I tried, I could. But do I want to? I know I can be a bitch and mom says it would be perfect for me (but she doesn't want me to do it) but can I actually be that stern and mature? I like to laugh and have a good time. I can be a girly-girl! Can I control those urges for 13 weeks? And then after, what if I don't change back to my old self? I mean, Pat's recruiter is cool and normal and all the other sergeants that he knows, are too... but what if I can't relax again? I don't know. I need to get some kind of schooling for something and I don't know if I can afford it on my own. This would be the best opportunity to use the government while they use me. Its a big decision. But I really have nothing to lose (besides my life if I have to go to active duty). But I have nothing serious going on for me right now. Nothing. Doesn't matter where I live, I'm not going to school right now, I hate my job. You know, I can actually just drop and leave tomorrow (after I make the weight requirements). Luckily, I would have to lose weight. This is a good thing because if I stay with Sheetz until my 5 year anniversary which is this July, they will match 100% of my 401k. I already have about 2500 saved which right now they're only matching 4%. But 100% will be AWESOME. So that gives me months to think about this and lose weight. I know it sounds weird for me to even be considering this, but I don't want to go to a traditional college and I don't know if I want to do any programs around here. Plus everyone I've talked to, said "you can't even do real-life" and said there's no way I could do it. So that kind of make me want to show them up and then tell them to fuck off.

Decisions, Decisions.

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.”

Sometimes the closest people to me, seem to make me the angriest. Or irritate me the worst. Or make me want to shoot them! I don't get it. Is it because they know what buttons set me off? Or they think they can get away with it because they're so close to me? Its so frustrating when someone who KNOWS BETTER does the worst! I feel like I'm on my god damn period 24/7! I go to bed pissed off and wake up pissed off and I think it is because of the people I'm surrounded by!! Every little thing sets me off. I know its not intentional but I swear they do it on purpose sometimes.

"Arguing with a fool proves there are two."
Doris M. Smith

Do you ever feel like you're not doing anything. Like you're just going minute by minute, nothing really feels real. Nothing feels right, but it doesn't feel wrong? Or you feel like you're not doing anything you should be? I hate that feeling. And I don't know how to change it. It keeps coming back every time I think its finally gone. I just want to be okay for a while. I can deal with it, if I just get a break from it. Like if something just fixes it. Just for a while. I don't want to feel like this anymore.