UPDATE!

It's been pretty long since my last post. I hut the internet and dvr/cable off to save some money. I rarely watch tv since Pat's left. I was watching a lot of Netflix but when I shut the internet off, I put out Netflix and Xbox live on hold. I work a lot anyway so there's not much time for siting down.

Deployments going by fast! Were almost done. Pat was awarded the NAM, Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal, for everything he's doing over there. I'm so proud of him! He says he's ready to come home. He's was moved to HQ and is the police sgt. He says he loves it but is always busy. We get interrupted all the time be cause he has to go fix something or check something in. He doesn't get much sleep and can be woken up on his off time to take care of something. But he likes it. I know he can't wait to get home and have a real night's sleep. Next to me of course :)

I move in a month on base! I have the address, but can't go in the house yet. We drive by it often. I'm so excited! I can not wait to get it all ready for Pat. It's going to be so great, I low our apartment but I'm so trednof apartment living and well save money this way. We wod save more if we bought a house or townhouse, but if we deecided to buy, it's permanent in my eyes and I'm not settling for less than what I want in a house. Plus a townhouse is nearly the same as apartment living. No garages most of the time and tons of neighbors in a tighter area. At lease on base it's normal neighborhoods just allege houses are condo types. Which I house-sat for Rachel and didn't once in 5 days hear her neighbors. Plus I'll be literally 20 seconds from her. Our house is an end one and were right on the corner of a street that is less than a minute from the gate. We have a big side yard and back yard. Our driveways a little steep which I don't like but I'll get over it. Pat wanted to be on a court but I'm okay with not. There's extra parking near us.

It all happening so fast. Mom will be here soon and I already set tmo and the move. They'll do everything we'll just have to oversee the packers.

Well I'm typing this on my phone and it's annoying. I'll post another time. :)

Xoxo

Life While My Husband Is Deployed.

The 'D' word. For most of us in the military, we know there is a very good chance of hearing the inevitable 'D' word. For my husband and I, we knew before he went to boot camp. He signed for infantry and had friends already in, who gave him an idea of when to expect to be activated. And they were right. He hadn't even been in the Marine Corps a full year when his unit deployed. We've handled it well, after all, we knew what we were getting into.
He had gotten laid off from his job and there wasn't much out there for him. He had told me before he got laid off, while out of town, that he was thinking about talking to the recruiter when he got home. I think at first I may have been intrigued. I don't really remember how I reacted. Maybe I didn't realize it would actually happen. After that. God's destiny, had taken its course. We must have had an argument because the whole decision of him joining comes down to one statement. One statement that may be the death of me. I slightly remember saying it but I don't remember the argument. I told him he had to join for us. For me to stay with him. When I think back, I think he totally took it a different way then I meant it, but we don't talk about it much so I never ask him what actually was said that day. Granted, I probably did say he had to show me by doing this. What else was he going to do with his life? He was laid off with no job and no schooling. No money saved up. Nothing. What was I going to do? I couldn't support us. I didn't have any schooling at the time. We had decided not to re-lease on the house we were in and moved back to our parents'. There was another problem that was resolved that I won't make public, but he still needed to show me that things had changed and he was going to figure his life out.
After the first visit to the recruiter's office everything started to roll. And I realized I hated the Marine Corps. I didn't care what he needed to do to get ready for boot camp. I fought him on it. I had become a hypocrite and went back on my word. The next year was even worse. Things had started to strain our relationship and we were being pulled all different ways. It was honestly the worst year of my life. I regret everything. I wish I could erase it from my memory. The feeling I had that year creeps up on me now and then, reminding me. I can't get it out of my head. I hold things against him and he holds things against me. Nothing horribly bad happened but it was a year full of experiences I wish never happened. It's changed everything. All I can think about now, is wanting to go back to 2004 and how it used to be and starting over from there. Obviously things are okay, we're married and still love each other. But I can't stop holding on to what transpired that horrible year before he left for boot camp.
Boot camp scared the death out of me. Worse than deployment, Don't believe me if you want, but I'm telling you the truth. I was so nervous after that year, that when he went to boot camp he'd graduate and not want to be with me. After 6 years, he'd end up leaving me. They always say boot camp changes most guys for the good, so at first I was excited. There were things I didn't like about him and I thought they'd get straighted out but then I realized what if he changed for the worse? What if he thought he could do better or wanted to have his fun and freedom. What if he didn't want to get married. Boot camp was really hard, I cried every night and every day. I felt so lost without him. He wrote me the most loving letters ever, saying things I never expected him to say and I still couldn't help but think it wasn't true. I thought when he saw me on graduation day, he'd decide right then that it was over. Those three months, the feeling I had comes in second to the feeling I had the year before boot camp.
After boot camp, I think it was harder for him to readjust in the ten day leave than it was for me. Either way it was an amazing time. We got married in an 'unofficial' ceremony that ended up being perfect and beautiful. We decided to plan a formal wedding for after deployment, which has yet to be planned. (It's hard to plan things around the MC agenda). He left after his leave for SOI and two months later we were reunited again. Quickly we found a place to live and I came down to stay, I think around the end of November we were finally approved leave to come back home and move everything. It was an adventure. Everything was done so fast though, we didn't get to relax much. After that, he started to settle into his unit and find out what it's like to be a boot in the fleet. And being a 25 year old boot, at that. It was rough for him, he was treated like any other boot PFC just because of his rank even though he wasn't immature or stupid like most of the 18, 19 year old's he was surrounded by. But that's just how MC Infantry is, right?
Things didn't slow down once we got used to living in NC. My mother came to visit, for maybe a while too long. My car had a huge break down that sent me spiraling into financial hell. I needed to find a job since I was starting to run out of money. Pat had a few field ops. Maybe a week at the longest. Then Fort Pickett/AP Hill training came. I believe Pickett was about three weeks. I spent most of that time in Ohio, sick. I had driven home with mom and then we drove back when Pat was about to come home. Mom didn't stay that time, although I knew she would have loved to. After Pickett was California for Enhanced Mojave Viper training. They had gotten word while in Pickett that their deployment was moved up. EMV was longer than 30 days and at the time we weren't sure if he would get pre-deployment leave when he got home. They ended up coming home and we were on pre-dep leave within a week. It was short, too short. I feel like we didn't get to spend any time together by ourselves. I envy couples that get full pre-dep leave. My word of advise, don't waste it and cherish it.
'D-Day' came for us and it was one of the roughest days I have ever experienced. When he had left for Pickett and EMV, I was the one to 'leave'. I dropped him off and he had to watch the car leave. This time I had to watch the buses leave. It felt like they were driving 2 mph away. It was ripping my my heart out the further and further they went. I remember standing there saying over and over, 'please don't go, please don't go'. I left crying my eyes out with Norm in my arms. Luckily, I had a really good friend with me who followed me until she got to her street. I wasn't sure I'd make it home without wrecking. I couldn't stop crying and thinking it was the end of the world. I wondered when I would hear from him next.
So far some days seem to drag but the weeks have been going by pretty fast. I think we've been pretty lucky. With technology on our side, we get to talk on Facebook chat somewhat regularly. I'm not sure the reasoning but I don't get phone calls. One of the Sgt's wife gets many. More than I would have ever expected. But I only got one since he had left, only because he was at another patrol base. It's okay though, there's something that keeps the fire going when you have to wait to hear his voice. We don't use Skype either. I wouldn't mind, but I know Pat doesn't know how and I'm not sure if the computer he uses has a cam. I really want him to write me snail mail, like the letters he wrote me while in boot camp. I sent him paper and envelopes but he says he'll email me. I haven't gotten an email yet. I know we have actual conversations but I feel like he doesn't say what's on his mind or we end up talking about other things. I think it would be good for him to actually just write me, whether its email or snail mail. It would give him a chance to organize his thoughts and maybe say something he wouldn't in a chat. I was surprised, we've been talking a lot but he's jeopardizing valuable sleep time to talk to me. He can chose what to do in the hours between 'shifts' or what ever you want to call their work hours. Its not many hours by any means but enough to some-what relax or get on the internet, from what I understand. Sometimes communications are shut down though, for what ever reasons, like recently. Other times things break, they lose power or they are in the process of moving.
I try to think about Pat's day and what it's like, of course I don't have much to go on. He won't and can't say much of anything. Its hard for me to accept. I want to know everything. It's a story for me, an adventure. I'm proud and curious, maybe jealous in a way?. By the time he gets home, I'm afraid he'll forget every little detail. It's just like boot camp, I wanted to know everything, I was dying to hear all the stories and when he got home of course, that's not what he wanted to talk about. I wanted to experience it through him. Maybe there are suppressed emotions I have and that's why I want to know so bad. That's another story though, on a whole different level.
So now here we are, surviving through deployment number one. I find time going pretty fast. Work helps a lot, even though I would rather not be working. I think it helps that I'm slightly an introvert. And I like my alone time. I would give anything to spend every waking minute with Pat, but I am okay to be by myself when he's not around. I have an amazing group of friends here and they keep me busy. I honestly don't know if I could survive without them. They make me laugh and listen when I need to talk. They make this deployment even easier.
Lucky for Pat and I, we keep the communication open. I've been given some explanations from him that put a lot of things in perspective. I will expand on this in future posts. Let's just say I feel better and understand more, now. I love him with all I have and he knows.

This life may be hard and tough at times, but it is perfect for us ♥ I appreciate everything he is doing everyday for me. And I will wait faithfully for him to return home to me. I love you PSC[090210]

Homemaker; Marine Wife Style!

I need to get an apron to wear when I cook to make it official but I may just be the next Betty Crocker! I've made some amazing dishes since Pat has been gone. He should give me a chance and let me cook. We always eat out or order out, which is fine sometimes, but seriously, I would love to have dinner waiting for him on the table when he gets home from work. He thinks I'm going to poison him though. Have some faith babe. He knows I can cook. Just every once in a while, of course, a dish doesn't turn out well. I'm not going to lie, I'm not perfect. 


Deployment Dishes:
Chicken Enchiladas - First I followed the box directions, and fell in love. The next two times, I tweaked the recipes. I didn't have enchilada sauce so I used hot salsa, different cheese and spices, and I made it work with fajita wraps(which were smaller). If Pat was home, we would probably only have enough for dinner but I was able to get dinner that night, and lunch and dinner the next day! I want to try a different recipe next time. I can't wait!


Creamy Chicken and Salad - I just made this today and really it's simple. Besides preparing the lettuce and vegetables that I choose (today all I had was onion and green peppers), I make my own hard boiled eggs with a simple recipe and experimented with a different way to make the chicken. And the two ingredients that make the salad amazing, cranberries(dried) and glazed walnuts. I didn't want plain chicken so I experimented with Cream of Chicken soup, since for some reason I have a bunch of cans. I didn't think I needed to let the chicken marinate in the CoC since it's thick, I didn't think it would penetrate through the chicken. So I through the chicken on the stove and added a mixture of seasonings. This consisted of probably 8 spices. I like spices and am not afraid to combine them. I was nervous that the chicken after being cooled, would still be too creamy/wet but when I combined all the ingredients with the lettuce, it turned out perfect! I did run into a problem, my refrigerator froze my lettuce and spinach. I was upset but able to save most of the lettuce and a decent portion of spinach. Stupid fridge. I wasn't sure which dressing I should try with it. I tend to stay with creamy dressing like ranch or honey mustard. But with the chicken being creamy, I thought that may be too much. There was red raspberry vinaigrette in the refrigerator, but I opted for ranch. IT WAS AMAZING. The cranberries and walnuts are my favorite addition to salads. YUM.


Slow-cooked Pork Chops - This was a recipe I found while Pat was in Cali, training. I wanted to make it for him when he got home but he insisted on eating whatever he wanted and where ever he wanted before he deployed. I made it shortly after he left and it was amazing. Some of the reviews said that the particular blends of spices were odd with the choice of pork, but that it was still a great dish. I'm unbiased when it comes to spices and foods combined. I don't think only certain spices should be used with certain meats, pastas, veggies, etc. So I slow cooked the pork, chicken broth, and spices all day. It smelled amazing and when it was done, the pork just fell apart very nicely. I think I made noodles that night to accompany it. I noticed there was a large amount of broth left and it wasn't thick so I decided next time I will add potatoes, carrots, and onions like you would with a roast. I think those additions will accompany the pork better than the noodles. I really wish Pat would have let me make it for him. I don't care if he says he doesn't like pork, it's because, I think, the way his mother makes it and the type she uses.


Besides main dishes, I make some mean glazed carrots. I haven't made them in a while and although they are amazing, I haven't perfected them. I also need to work on my brownies. I don't know if it's the different type of boxed brownies I choose, but none are as good as I remember them being when I was a kid and mom was making them. If something doesn't change, I may start looking for a homemade recipe instead. I made sugar cookies the one night and even though the recipe is so simple, they were the most amazing cookies ever. Moist for days after! I did take them out early because my oven tends to over cook, but I'm not sure if it was that, or because I may have used tub butter instead of stick margarine... or maybe even the container I stored them in. I'm not sure but the were amazing.


I really want to make my Three Berry Pie, but I don't feel like buying the berries. They're slightly expensive and I don't feel like using the money on something I'm probably going to  be the only one eating. It is an amazing pie though. I use raspberries, black berries, and strawberries. I think it's the black berries that make it, but that's just me!


This evening I'm going to try this really simple cinnamon toast rolls/folds. It's 3 ingredients and oven time. And there's even a simple way to make icing! I can't wait, it just sounds fun. The only problem is, I just bought bread and I don't really want to use it all on these but I just might ;)


<3Semper Cookin'!


P.S. Lipton Pomegranate Blueberry Iced Tea = Amazing.

Loving My Hero

<3 I finally got a phone call :) It felt like it had been forever that I heard his voice. Felt much better and happy after I got off the phone with him. Of course it didn't last long, I realized how long we still have to go. But so far, most days are going pretty fast. I just keep thinking of other things, like my sister's wedding, or when one of my boot camp sisters moves here, or when it SNOWS, when those events get here, then I'm that much closer. I have a system :]

Fave songs of the moment:
Carrie Underwood - All American Girl
Lady Antebellum - Just a kiss
Saving Abel - Miss America
Nicki Minaj - Did It On Them

<3

Deployment, You suck.

Motomail is finally up. I caught up on writing Pat. Sent a few cards(his year anniversary of being a Marine was June 1st) and letters. And of course now a few motomail letters. I don't think he's received any of it yet. I sent out one of his pkg's too. I know he doesn't care, as long as he gets his essentials. But it bothers me that we have no extra money right now and I can't even finish pkg #2. I had to wait to get $15 to send his first pkg! Blah. Hopefully when depo pay kicks in, I'll be able to send more regularly. But Pat wants me to save a large amount of his depo pay, which is fine but I want to send him stuff! I want to send him treats and things. Someone I know has sent out 7, SEVEN, pkg's already! Granted, they're not married, don't have the house/utlilty bills we do, and she probably doesn't have other bills, but still... it's not cheap to make these pkg's. 


It's a job to stay behind and take care of everything. I normally always handle most of the bills, while Pat does a few, but now for some reason it seems overwhelming. I don't know why. And taking care of the puppy(Norm), who's a BRAT, and the apartment.... and working *luckily* 40 hours a week, is catching up to me. On top of that, I'm not sleeping, and because Pat put us on the waiting list to get on base, I have to deal with that. And because of Norm, it is a pain in the ass. And I will have to deal with the moving/tmo because Pat wants in a house before he gets home. Ughhh. And my sister's wedding... and trying to get home for that and the shower... and all the baby showers coming up! It's one busy year.


I just needed to bitch for a min. I guess it's just starting to annoy me.


On a better note, my bestie is in Myrtle Beach!!!!! Which means they're coming up to Wilmington for a day and I get to see her!!!! I wish she would move down here. I think the perfect guy for her is a Marine and she'd love it here. I know she wants to move now but I'm not sure where she's thinking. I can't wait to catch up with her! I wish we could meet at North Topsail beach but I think they're looking at houses in Wilmington.


Man, I miss Pat.

Time to start a new countdown.

This one I can't post but you better believe I've got it in every calendar I own and the app on my phone! 


Pat made it to Afghanistan safely. He's absolutely miserable and is sick. He sounds exhausted, cranky, and "not there". I feel bad because I know his spirits are broke. And it's hard to stay positive when you feel like death. And he's already heard some bad news about a brother from a different unit. I think he knew him but I'm not sure. But of course that isn't what you want to hear. Especially this early into it. 
I asked him if he was taking pictures for me! He says it's the worst place on earth and there's nothing but sand and weird bugs. Where he's at there are no plants, mountains or anything. I told him to take pictures anyway. I want to travel the world too and right now only he is able to so he can take a few pics for me ;)
I hope he realizes the easiest thing to do it just make the best of his situation. I understand the water is near boiling temperature. And no, Pat would not lie about that, so when you read that there is "cool" water, it's definitely not where wpns company is! He said he can't/won't use the internet because it's NOT free. Like $10 a day I think he said. I told him it is NOT worth it and we'll stick to phone calls for now. The calling card he was given by the USO, he can't use. He could only use ATT calling cards. Also they told us where they are going is a safe area but they will be doing a 'historical' push if they succeed. I've already heard from units near there that, that is not the truth. I get trying to ease our minds but how about just not saying anything, instead of lying. I told Pat and he told me not to listen to anything they say on the facebook page and don't even bother with it. 


Which I'm about to do exactly that. I'm so tired of everyone on there. Most all of the 300some members. And I want to tell them all to just shut the hell up.


I'm so annoyed.


And I miss Pat. And the end of the year is SOOOOO far awayyyyyyyy y y y y y   y   y     y      y          y   


And he better come home safe and in one piece. He knows I will kick his butt if he doesn't.


Love you baby.


♥Jessi[31.1.15.43.59]

If you want to enjoy the rainbow, be prepared to endure the storm.

It was one of those really bad days today. It started off okay. Went for about a 3 mile walk around base housing with Kailey and Rachel. It was so nice out today. I don't know if I got any color, but Kailey got red and Rachel's freckles were popping out like crazy! We walked from Kailey's house(on base) to Rachel's. Rachel will move into hers within the next few weeks. I love Kailey's and from what we could see through the windows of Rachel's, I love her's too. I think I want to move on base. But I don't know if Pat wants to. And I would possibly be moving while Pat was gone. And if we don't get on the list, we'll have to sign a new lease here for a year, or for 6 months. The 6 month leases are prorated and more expensive so I don't know if that would be a good option for us. Decisions, decisions.


So when did it turn bad? After I dropped Rachel off I went to the bank to take care of something. The ladies inside the branch were very nice and helpful and we figured out what had happened. The lady I talked to on the phone at the bank, left me in tears. Not only was she unfriendly, rude, and mean, she acted like I didn't have a right to know what I was asking about and I shouldn't be mad. She acted like it was my fault not hers or the banks. I don't want to go over the details again, but basically we have a loan and there was a loan fee that was withdrawn from our checking account. They signed a cashier's check with my name and signature and she claimed that never happened. But it did. There's more to it than that, but I'm so pissed I just want to forget about it. Well I cried at the bank, on the way home, and when I got home. Everything I watched on TV brought me to tears, and I just really want to be in Pat's arms and forget about today. 


I wish I could talk to Pat. I got an "i love u" and an "i miss you" text today but that was all. I noticed a lot of moms and wives, once again, got phone calls. I know not to compare to them, but the ONLY reason I talked to him the night before he left for the field, was because he snuck a phone call while on truck watch. But all these other guys are given time to call home? It makes me so bitter towards them. Especially when I feel like it is rude to post every time you talk to them. I would not and won't do it just because I know how I feel. And even though these girls have been advised not to do that during deployment, if they're doing it now, they will do it then.


I have my doctor's appointment this Friday too. I probably won't find much out but it just hurts that I know I can't notify Pat if something is wrong because I know I won't talk to him, but these other moms or wives get regular texts or phone calls. I'm not going to sit here and think that this makes me stronger or better than them but sometimes I wish that deployment comes easy for me because I'm basically fcking going through it (the no communication part) and they aren't, right now. I hope this is period talk coming out and that's why I feel so horrible and like such a bitch. I need to fast forward to May.

have you ever been to heaven at night?

Today is one of those days.
I miss Pat. I'm bored. And anxious. 
I hate that feeling I get when I know I won't see Pat.
I can hold it off for about half a day. 
When I wake up in the morning, I'm okay.
By lunch, I'm still okay.
Even by three o'clock, I'm still okay. But then it starts.
That kind of gut wrenching, sick, deep in my stomach feeling.
Knowing he's not coming home from work. 
That I won't see him when I go to bed.
That I won't even get a phone call or text.


It's the worst feeling in the world. It passes. But sometimes I get nervous that one day it will just stay with me forever. Is this how I'm going to feel if I lose him to Afghanistan? Will I ever be okay again if that happens? I don't have a confident outlook on that situation. Not at all. It will be the end of the world for me and I don't know if I will recoup from it. I pray, that is not what God has planned for us.


I wish I had a puppy. I wouldn't feel as lonely when I'm at home.

Semper Gumby... I can be flexible, but not THAT flexible

Horrible day in our Marine Corps world. It was to be expected, obviously. I'm not stupid and if you have enough pieces you can fit it all together. But the drastic-ness of this is, ignorant. I hoped it was a rumor, knowing that most likely it wasn't. But at least hoping the dates were wrong. Then unofficially it was confirmed by other wives. See, if you're a smart Marine wife, you already have a list of criteria you go by to determine what someone else or even what your husband tells you, is the truth.


For example:
1) The source? Is this someone you can trust? Has good past experiences? Uses their brains before they speak?
2) Taking in to account past situations that are the same. The way a judge or lawyer looks at past cases of the same, and sees how they were dealt with. Do the same with your situation. What happened in the end to someone this was told too.
3) Asking details. What, when, where, why, how? Yes, this is the Marine Corps, no answer is needed. REGARDLESS, I will ask, and I will get answers. 
How did this come about? Who did they hear it from? Was it from a casual or formal conversation? Etc.
4) FB helps with this one. Watching other wives/SOs and what they say on the internet. How they say things. And their emotion. Further creeping on convo's they have with their friends. Some people put it all out there and you can get all the info you need from one single status update.
5) The amount of people that know what you've been told even though, 'officially' it wasn't told to the Marine.
6) Keeping your mouth shut and just gathering information. Do not influence the informant even if you have heard something different.


Afterwards, you must keep calm. Hold your breath, scream, do whatever you need to do until you talk to your Marine. At this point, you take everything in to account but do not make judgement or tell anyone of importance(family) anything. Only after your Marine has been briefed OFFICIALLY(not by eavesdropping, informal conversations, or being told by someone who's rank doesn't make it OFFICIAL) do you tell anyone who needs to be told.


So I'm holding my breath. Of course my mother, who is visiting again, knows. I had to tell her. I tried not to for about an hour. I couldn't sit in the same room as her, while this tension was suffocating me. I needed to get it off my chest. Of course, I told her hopefully it's not true. But we were just discussing the other guys who were told the same and friends of friends, who were told the SAME, in the last week! Its not surprising, like I said, but this is more drastic than the other people's situation, we were talking about. Of course 'I can't say anything'. I hate that. When I hold things in, it eats away at me. I get sick, nervous, frantic, crazy.


I need some valium or SOMETHING TO CALM ME DOWN.