Day 5/88... I think I counted wrong.

I'm pretty sure Pat will be gone longer than 88 days. Idk... he said his graduation would be tentatively August 27th. --- Oh, maybe I didn't... either way it feels like it has already been a MONTH! I don't know what I'm going to do when he comes home for 10 days and then has to leave for mct or itb or what ever it is. Even if I can talk to him then, it doesn't matter- I want to be with him.

Its been storming and raining the last few days, and today. And I don't care. Its how I feel. I could care less if it rained all summer. Nothing really matters to me when Pat's not around. I can't stop thinking about him. This sucks. Wow, I sound depressed. I'm surprised I haven't started drinking every night. And I'm really contemplating buying a pack of cigarettes. Half my brain wants me to and the other half says 'Jes, you know you don't want to smoke'. Which is true. I don't. But I do so bad. Maybe I'll buy a BlackandMild. That might curb this need.

I need to do some grocery shopping, so I stop eating at work. I've lost 4 pounds this week. I know I shouldn't be doing it the way I am, but I'm not really hungry. Plus I was waking up only 3 hours before work, so I wasn't hungry enough to eat breakfast. But I ate a meal at work on break and then wouldn't eat anything when I got home. I just have to watch how many energy drinks I consume... I feel like I need them at work and I've been buying the big can of Rockstar because the price is really good. But I have lost weight and that's what matters. I just have to find time and motivation to workout again. I was thinking about going to the BikeTrail today, but its raining now. Maybe I'll do the treadmill or elliptical. Maybe I'll go to the Y. I don't know. I just want to talk Pat. I just want to hear his voice...

I went on a small shopping spree online today. Usually that helps my mood, but it didn't seem to. I didn't feel happy about it. And I didn't buy anything I felt like I really needed. [I did need sandals, and got one pair] I feel gross and disgusting and just blah. I want to look good for Pat when he gets home but I feel so out of it that it depresses me even more when I think about it! Its a horrible, vicious cycle. I don't even feel like reading and usually when I'm dealing with something bad, I consume myself in a book. And I really just have no desire to do that either. Idk... I'll make it through this. I'm looking forward to Pat's first letter. I hope he hasn't changed too much from this past week.

i♥youPat.

p.s. i was creeping on fb and one of the kids pat knows that is out of bootcamp is getting ready to go to Okinawa, Japan... for 2 years. I got kind of scared.... that makes me nervous because the last Pat said, he thought even if we were married I can't go over seas with him unless he was a sergeant. And I couldn't go that long without being with him, especially if we are married. I would and will always wait for Pat, but he might not realise what this is actually doing to me. I feel sick and I don't know what can happen... :(

From Henry Rollins' Black Coffee Blues [cont. day 2/88]

#39: I walk straight lines. I walk through summer nights. I walk the silver rope of dreams. I walk through dawns of dawns. There's not a lot that isn't dying. I see people parading in front of each other like insect in a killing jar, watching each other die. I walk the straight lines through the Christ machines. Through the eyes of the throwaway people. Through the wards and the shores and the cracks in the skulls of the sidewalks. Through love's howling vacancy. I am the freedom soil. I dig my own grave. I resurrect myself every night. I am all things to myself. I walk the straight lines. I walk the spider's jailhouse. I walk the think line, the thin line, the white line and all the lines in between. I wish I could trade in my eyes.
Henry Rollins

♥everythingsbittersweet.

#$%@$^*

Random:
__I want to go to Wal-Mart and buy the Vitamin Water10 that is on sale for a DOLLA a piece.
__I also want to go to Wal-Mart and buy lunch meat.
__I'm in the mood to spend money
__Ash got these cool books from Jay's Uncles Estate Auction... they are sweet. Once I start reading them I will update with more info. (They're not normal books... I don't think they are story books... I'm not sure what they are, yet!)
__Pat's getting on my nerves. He doesn't get it.
__I need gas in my car but I think I don't have any more money until I get paid-- NEXT FRIDAY
__I have a headache and I feel sick. I think I woke up with a hangover and I only had ONE beer last night. Ugh.
__My mother is annoying.

Gonna find something to do. Deuces. ♥ ♥

"I never fucked anybody over in my life, that didn't have it comin' to 'em, you go that?"

I finished reading Clive Cussler's "Cyclops", A Dirk Pitt Adventure. Amazing. I was so excited from the minute I read the first page til the last one. It was so fast paced and a real adventure. It was nice to escape from this hell into that kind of book. It really helped me. Now I'm escaping into Alton Gansky's "A Ship Possessed". Its another military type book but has twists and turns like Cusslers and keeps you on your toes and wondering what will happen next. Its a story with religious/faith undertones and dealing with the unknown and supernatural. I'm enjoying it. And I like these books so much, I'm going to try to find more from these two authors.

I find myself escaping to books and trying to keep my mind occupied. So that I don't return to the thoughts of the real world. And to hide from what's going on. Is that wrong? I just need a break sometimes. I used to forget about the problems through out the day. But now they are ALWAYS there. Always creeping up on me and out of the blue throwing me into a downward spiral. I feel trapped like I can't get away from anything! The only time I can, is when I get fucked up or read. And I would honestly rather read right now. I don't feel in control anymore. I don't know what would happen if I was too fucked up. Ahhh... I don't know. If you know any good books... amazing ones. Send me a message. I need to find something to keep my mind from wondering when those times come around. Ya know what I mean?

<3Jayy.