There are not enough words in the dictionary to describe what I am going through inside. These past weeks have been hell and now I come to realize that its been going on for years. There's so much I didn't know and I thought we were good at communicating. So much has been damaged and I don't know if it will ever be right. I have no reassurance and its frustrating. I don't know if it will be okay. I feel like I'm losing my soulmate. My best friend. My only true friend. I can't live my life without him. I'm not prepared to nor do I want to. But nothing seems right. Now we have trust issues and more problems then I think we had before! I don't get it. Love isn't suppose to hurt.
I just want someone to fight for me to stay too.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
August 22, 2009
July 3, 2009
A deserted island fantasy
I wish I was trapped on a deserted island.
No human contact for however long! I would love this. People make me so mad and I think this would help me cope with it. I try to let it go and I can't. I try, I try different things, but I can't get my mind off how stupid, irritating, and disrespectful people are. It sucks when you go out of your way for people you THOUGHT were your friends!
Also here is my deserted island survey:
1) 5 movies you would bring (the only movies you'd have to watch for eternity over and over again)
*The Mummy*Aladdin*any Harry Potter movie*Twilight*The Office(any season)
Weird mix huh?
2) 3 books you would bring?
*The Quest*Ship of Fools*House
3) One electronic handheld?
My itouch and it's charger! Even if there is no Internet, I still have the games on it!!
4) 2 pictures?
*this one of me and Pat from Prom*and one of my dog, Harley
5) 1 CD
Marian Carey doesn't matter which one.
6) Which one would you bring? Favorite hoodie or favorite sweats?
Favorite hoodie, it's black and really cozy!
7) If you could only bring one huge case of canned fruit or canned beans, which would you bring?
Canned fruit
8) Handheld CD player with earphones or big radio/cd player with speakers?
Definitely radio/cd player so I can play my MC cd loud!
9) One phone call when you get to the island, who would you call?
My YiaYia
10) Would you want a fire already going or a little hut already built?
A hut, I could just figure out how to build a fire myself but I don't know if I could build a hut.
That was fun {:
-- Bloggin' via the iTouch!
No human contact for however long! I would love this. People make me so mad and I think this would help me cope with it. I try to let it go and I can't. I try, I try different things, but I can't get my mind off how stupid, irritating, and disrespectful people are. It sucks when you go out of your way for people you THOUGHT were your friends!
Also here is my deserted island survey:
1) 5 movies you would bring (the only movies you'd have to watch for eternity over and over again)
*The Mummy*Aladdin*any Harry Potter movie*Twilight*The Office(any season)
Weird mix huh?
2) 3 books you would bring?
*The Quest*Ship of Fools*House
3) One electronic handheld?
My itouch and it's charger! Even if there is no Internet, I still have the games on it!!
4) 2 pictures?
*this one of me and Pat from Prom*and one of my dog, Harley
5) 1 CD
Marian Carey doesn't matter which one.
6) Which one would you bring? Favorite hoodie or favorite sweats?
Favorite hoodie, it's black and really cozy!
7) If you could only bring one huge case of canned fruit or canned beans, which would you bring?
Canned fruit
8) Handheld CD player with earphones or big radio/cd player with speakers?
Definitely radio/cd player so I can play my MC cd loud!
9) One phone call when you get to the island, who would you call?
My YiaYia
10) Would you want a fire already going or a little hut already built?
A hut, I could just figure out how to build a fire myself but I don't know if I could build a hut.
That was fun {:
-- Bloggin' via the iTouch!
July 1, 2009
Not funny.
I wrote a blog about my sister and how great she is last night. When I published it, it said it was successful. So I pressed 'view post now' and it wasn't there!!! I was sooooo pissed. I'm still pissed!! Uggghhhh. I hate technology sometimes. It's more frustrating and a nuisance then a gift! Maybe I'll re-write the post later. I'm so mad.
-- Bloggin' via the iTouch!
-- Bloggin' via the iTouch!
February 17, 2009
"Authority doesn't work without prestige, or prestige without distance." - Charles de Gaulle
The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.
Buddha
Some much needed R&R is coming the next few days. I'm on 'vacation' because Pat was suppose to leave on the 20th. Well he got sick and gained weight so obviously, he has to get better and lose the weight. But I'm still taking the vacation days. If I don't I'll probably burn the store down and tell them all to fuck off. Its been that kind of year, already. Not a great way to start the year but I guess you can't control how stupid, ignorant, disrespectful, incompetent, and insensitive people can be. Especially the people you thought were 'friends' and still act like everything's okay! But whatever, I'm moving on and I'll just forget about all of you. You don't need me, I don't need you.
I have to take YiaYia to the doctors tomorrow and then Patrick made an appointment for me to talk to Sgt. Dudley. That douche-bag wants me to join the Marines. HA. I mean I totally would. Good job security, benefits, schooling, traveling, all the bonuses... but I don't think I can cut it in boot camp. Actually I already know hard it would be. I'm not the athletic type and I HATE being yelled at. I'll be crying every day. I know if I tried, I could. But do I want to? I know I can be a bitch and mom says it would be perfect for me (but she doesn't want me to do it) but can I actually be that stern and mature? I like to laugh and have a good time. I can be a girly-girl! Can I control those urges for 13 weeks? And then after, what if I don't change back to my old self? I mean, Pat's recruiter is cool and normal and all the other sergeants that he knows, are too... but what if I can't relax again? I don't know. I need to get some kind of schooling for something and I don't know if I can afford it on my own. This would be the best opportunity to use the government while they use me. Its a big decision. But I really have nothing to lose (besides my life if I have to go to active duty). But I have nothing serious going on for me right now. Nothing. Doesn't matter where I live, I'm not going to school right now, I hate my job. You know, I can actually just drop and leave tomorrow (after I make the weight requirements). Luckily, I would have to lose weight. This is a good thing because if I stay with Sheetz until my 5 year anniversary which is this July, they will match 100% of my 401k. I already have about 2500 saved which right now they're only matching 4%. But 100% will be AWESOME. So that gives me months to think about this and lose weight. I know it sounds weird for me to even be considering this, but I don't want to go to a traditional college and I don't know if I want to do any programs around here. Plus everyone I've talked to, said "you can't even do real-life" and said there's no way I could do it. So that kind of make me want to show them up and then tell them to fuck off.
Decisions, Decisions.
Buddha
Some much needed R&R is coming the next few days. I'm on 'vacation' because Pat was suppose to leave on the 20th. Well he got sick and gained weight so obviously, he has to get better and lose the weight. But I'm still taking the vacation days. If I don't I'll probably burn the store down and tell them all to fuck off. Its been that kind of year, already. Not a great way to start the year but I guess you can't control how stupid, ignorant, disrespectful, incompetent, and insensitive people can be. Especially the people you thought were 'friends' and still act like everything's okay! But whatever, I'm moving on and I'll just forget about all of you. You don't need me, I don't need you.
I have to take YiaYia to the doctors tomorrow and then Patrick made an appointment for me to talk to Sgt. Dudley. That douche-bag wants me to join the Marines. HA. I mean I totally would. Good job security, benefits, schooling, traveling, all the bonuses... but I don't think I can cut it in boot camp. Actually I already know hard it would be. I'm not the athletic type and I HATE being yelled at. I'll be crying every day. I know if I tried, I could. But do I want to? I know I can be a bitch and mom says it would be perfect for me (but she doesn't want me to do it) but can I actually be that stern and mature? I like to laugh and have a good time. I can be a girly-girl! Can I control those urges for 13 weeks? And then after, what if I don't change back to my old self? I mean, Pat's recruiter is cool and normal and all the other sergeants that he knows, are too... but what if I can't relax again? I don't know. I need to get some kind of schooling for something and I don't know if I can afford it on my own. This would be the best opportunity to use the government while they use me. Its a big decision. But I really have nothing to lose (besides my life if I have to go to active duty). But I have nothing serious going on for me right now. Nothing. Doesn't matter where I live, I'm not going to school right now, I hate my job. You know, I can actually just drop and leave tomorrow (after I make the weight requirements). Luckily, I would have to lose weight. This is a good thing because if I stay with Sheetz until my 5 year anniversary which is this July, they will match 100% of my 401k. I already have about 2500 saved which right now they're only matching 4%. But 100% will be AWESOME. So that gives me months to think about this and lose weight. I know it sounds weird for me to even be considering this, but I don't want to go to a traditional college and I don't know if I want to do any programs around here. Plus everyone I've talked to, said "you can't even do real-life" and said there's no way I could do it. So that kind of make me want to show them up and then tell them to fuck off.
Decisions, Decisions.
September 1, 2008
"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.”
Sometimes the closest people to me, seem to make me the angriest. Or irritate me the worst. Or make me want to shoot them! I don't get it. Is it because they know what buttons set me off? Or they think they can get away with it because they're so close to me? Its so frustrating when someone who KNOWS BETTER does the worst! I feel like I'm on my god damn period 24/7! I go to bed pissed off and wake up pissed off and I think it is because of the people I'm surrounded by!! Every little thing sets me off. I know its not intentional but I swear they do it on purpose sometimes.
"Arguing with a fool proves there are two."
Doris M. Smith
Do you ever feel like you're not doing anything. Like you're just going minute by minute, nothing really feels real. Nothing feels right, but it doesn't feel wrong? Or you feel like you're not doing anything you should be? I hate that feeling. And I don't know how to change it. It keeps coming back every time I think its finally gone. I just want to be okay for a while. I can deal with it, if I just get a break from it. Like if something just fixes it. Just for a while. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
"Arguing with a fool proves there are two."
Doris M. Smith
Do you ever feel like you're not doing anything. Like you're just going minute by minute, nothing really feels real. Nothing feels right, but it doesn't feel wrong? Or you feel like you're not doing anything you should be? I hate that feeling. And I don't know how to change it. It keeps coming back every time I think its finally gone. I just want to be okay for a while. I can deal with it, if I just get a break from it. Like if something just fixes it. Just for a while. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
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