if I could live in my dreams...

I haven't been sleeping at night. Which means I haven't had very clear dreams, not like normal. Or they're short and I don't remember them. Some mornings I do wake up and remember, vividly what has happened, though. Last night, I had a dream that wasn't a repeat but the setting was. I think Pat and I buy this house. This amazing, big, beautiful house. He's nowhere in the dream, though. He wasn't in the first one either. The house has furniture from the last owners and it's beautiful furniture. Antique kind of, but in very good shape. Dark mahogany. Intricate designs. Something from years ago that you would keep 'in the family'. They have cleaned almost everything out of these pieces of furniture. (They're bureaus, desks, stands, cabinets, pieces like that) Not everything was cleaned out, like note book papers are folded up still in the drawers or notepads with letters and lists. I go through the house showing my mom every room and every time I walk past the furniture I can't wait to have the house to myself so I can go through it and see what they left inside them. It's strange, but I didn't have a bad feeling about this house. I was in love with it. There were at least 4 bedrooms that I can remember. A den with large mahogany, office furniture that exits out onto a private deck. Off of almost every room is a deck/balcony that I fall in love with every time I walk on to. The way the rooms were built, the size, and the uniqueness is everything I would love in a house. I wish I could print out my dreams and save the blueprints to that house!!! It's my dream house! and I didn't even see all of it! 
The dream was going all good until the end..
My dreams shift from places to places. I was in the house and decided to walk out from the den to the deck. As I walk outside, the outside setting doesn't match the inside of the house. From the outside, you don't see the house you see this kinda like a resort building. Something you would see on a Caribbean resort. Dark wood, circular buildings/bungalows. The only difference is this building is enormous. And there's decks that connect the whole thing. It's very pretty and I would love to stay in a resort like this. In the middle, where the den in 'my' house would be, is the main commercial part of the 'resort' (or whatever this place it). By commercial I mean, each deck (picture a cylinder shaped building with 5 or so floors, that are open and decks circle them and stairs) has a restaurant or shop. Well there's tons of people here. And we're walking around these decks. I don't exactly know where I was heading but basically the deck just abruptly ends. And actually at that point I think I was scaling the side of the building... like on a ledge. Well I'm not alone remind you there were people following me also. But what happens next is crazy. Basically, like I said these floors/decks are open and are restaurants or shops. Well the side I was one, that 'ended' was near a back door. There was a 'back door' on each floor. As I'm standing on this ledge wondering what to do next, while people are laughing and eating and talking all around me, a waitress, steps out backwards through the door. The thing is, even the ledge I'm standing on ends at that door. She's holding plates or something and literally falls to her death right in front of me. Naturally, in my dream I didn't know how high I was up until I watched her fall probably 2 floors or something. I saw her make contact with the ground and people all around us, just stared or screamed. It was sooo weird. I saw someone die! What kind of message is that?! I don't even know what to think. I woke up shortly after this, I ended up walking through 'my' house and my mother was there. I think I felt like I wanted her to leave and packed her stuff maybe ? (There may be truth to this part of the dream. She's visiting and has been here with us in the apartment for a month. In a week we'll both be going back to OH and she isn't coming back with me) 


Ughh... all I know is I wish I could draw the house and all the detail in the rooms. I wish I could draw the floor plans. I want that house.

Day 14/88... wishing for the mailman to bring a letter

I got off work an hour ago and I can't make myself go to bed. This only happens when Pat's not around. I think its because my mind is on overdrive and just can't calm down. It kind of sucks because I'd rather be sleeping, I've seen Pat in my dreams the last three days. But I can't seem to calm down to fall asleep fast enough. And I hope there's a letter arriving in a few hours. Every morning, as soon as I wake up, I go to the mailbox. And I walk back up the driveway with my head low because there's never anything in there that I actually want. Blah.

[FYI: Last night's dream with Pat was strange and a little scary. He was home and different. At first he wouldn't come see me even though we were a few feet apart at something like a festival. Then we took a walk and he was quiet and drawn away, like depressed. I don't remember much else, just that I didn't feel good and I didn't like it :\ I hope that's not a foreshadowing kind of dream...]

The other day I found out my neighbor's bf left for bootcamp the Monday after Pat and I just saw that one of his other friends left that same Monday too. I'm not sure if Pat knew that or not, but I'm going to write in on one of the letters I have to send to him. At least he'll see some familiar faces down there, if he sees them. I remember Megan and Shuler saw each other and actually would get to talk at church or something down there. I really hope Pat's doing okay.

Well I think I'm going to try to lay down. I'm a little nervous. About not getting a letter tomorrow and my car should be down sometime this week- maybe tomorrow and that means I have to explain to mom why we have to pay for it even though I was sold a car with a major problem. I know I keep posting that I will explain, but I don't feel like going over it again. So in short-

[I talked to an attorney and there are no lemon laws on used cars. There's no way to prove they sold the car to me that way. I would have to go through Cleveland courts and that would be long and I might not win. They knew I was over their 30 day/1000mile warranty [I didn't know this] but they still said they'd take care of the problem. The warranty they bought for me, telling me this would work, DIDN'T because it wasn't bought within 30 days of the car being bought(it was bought like 2 months later). Which Luxury Imports was surprised the warranty company said that. I knew it wasn't going to work when I sign the damn paper, but they said 'Oh no, this will.' Assholes.

SO if you're ever looking for a car in the Cleveland/Parma area. Take it from me, do not deal with

Luxury Imports, Inc.
11555 Brookpark Rd. Parma, OH 44130

They will dodge your calls and not call you back after telling you they will.
Completely unprofessional. And by the way, I called the Better Business Bureau.

Well I'm going to go... good'night. kinda...

[Half my ♥'s on ParrisIsland]

Day 10 :)

I talked to Mrs. Cain, her son Mike was at PI a few months ago. She gave me some information and a website that shows you everything they're doing down there. I think I'm getting happier knowing I might get a letter soon. I'm mean, at night still, its hard. And I've been having really weird dreams. Pat's there, but they're getting stranger and kind of scary. I don't know what they mean but last night's dealt with suicide and a car wreck. I don't look to far into my dreams because usually they are vivid and strange but on quite a few occassions, I've had deja vu and have actually seen things in my dreams. I'm not too worried about these ones though.

I'm making Ash a cd and then maybe going to the Y early. Maybe I'll take Shadow for a walk too. Its really nice today. -- Dad left this morning so I have the house to myself until Sunday when Mom gets home. It kind of sucks that I have to stay with them until Pat get's back but I'm saving money and maybe it will help me keep busy. And not sit around and worry about Pat. I hope he's doing good and trying his hardest :)

i♥yPat
--Jessi

Day 3. This is hard.

I think its hard because I know I have to wait so long to hear from him. And its driving me nuts. I just want to know how he's doing okay and that he's hanging in there and doing his best. Its frustrating. Every time I hear a car with a loud exhaust drive by, I think its him coming to pick me up - Even though his truck is sitting in the driveway :( I want summer to go so fast. And you would think this wouldn't be so hard. With my dad traveling since before I was born and Pat traveled with him two years ago too. And Pat was even gone for almost as long twice! But I think it is, because I have to wait to talk to him and I know he's going through hell. In his last voice message he told me to wait for him and that he was doing this for us. That it was the beginning of our lives. I just want him here with me. -- I never dream about Pat, but I started to last night. Nonsense dreams. We were goofing around before something like a basketball game or something weird, some weird place. I don't think it means anything. I think my mind was just trying to visualize him for me. Maybe I'll dream about him more. ♥

Day 1 of 88 [i think] ♥

Well... I cried a little bit last night. And for the second night in a row, I had a nightmare as a fell asleep. It started the other night. As I was falling asleep, I thought there were bugs flying around my head... I could hear the buzzing plain as day. (Like when we were at the farm the other day and all the flies, dragonflies, and bees) And I swear in my sleep I was swatting at them. It was really freaking me out and I was still half awake. Well last night it was similar. I kept jolting half awake because of something. I don't know what's going on. BUT, last week I woke up in a panic, pretty much from a nightmare. I saw a spider on my pillow, like a daddy-long-leg. And literally jumped up and woke pat too (which he was really really irritated and yelled at me) After I made sure there was no sign of a spider, I went back to bed. And had a horrible horrible dream about bugs and cockroaches. It was so weird and creepy. Yuck. What's going on in my head?!?!

Everyone keeps telling me I should work on 'me' while Pat's gone. Its the perfect time to do it. And its what I plan on doing. Work though, is not helping. This week, I work till midnight every night. I was going to go to the Y today, but I really don't want to drive Pat's truck. Its just big and makes me so nervous. Especially when there's more people on the road. I don't mind driving it at night, when traffic has slowed down. But not during the day. Blah. Maybe tomorrow? I am starting my diet. Or I should say, today I'm beginning to watch what I eat. I don't have a lot of money this week or the time to go grocery shopping for diet food. SO... I'm going to 'watch' what I eat. Which means, smaller portions, no fast food, and not eating when I get off work, late at night!

I wish Pat could call me :( I miss him so much. And we tell eachother everything so not knowing what he's doing every day, sucks. I like when he tells me about his day. :( I just want to hug him one last time.

I have so much to do in my room. ttyl.

I ♥ roller coasters!

Sheetz continued the new tradition of taking any employee who has been with the company for three or more years, somewhere this summer. Yesterday we went to Kennywood. (In Pittsburgh, PA) It was awesome! They provide transportation, food, and the tickets. But we were allowed to bring family/friends(pay for themselves) and drive separately. I rode with Amanda and Wendy who wanted to stay later and drove separate. We had a blast! It was so much fun and I was surprised and excited that Wendy would go on the roller coasters! I just never thought she was like that. I love roller coasters, but I won't lie. Before I get on them, I'm freaking out inside and I get a little scared. Not enough that I'll turn around and get off but I get really anxious, excited, and nervous all at the same time. After the ride is over, I'm fine and I could go back on the same one a hundred times if I could! I definitely want to thank Sheetz for taking us there. Last year(the first year) we went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which was cool but not much fun for some people. This year, they asked us for suggestions and I didn't think they would take us somewhere like an amusement park. (I suggested the zoo, because I really want to go) But they chose Kennywood which was PERFECT!

I really want to take Pat too. I don't know why but I really want him to go. I think he'll really like it and for some reason really want to share that experience with him. I don't know... its weird. I don't know what is going on between me and him, and I have no clue what I want from him. I'm so confused. There's days I hate him and wish I'd never met him, then there's days I want to make it work, but I don't see it being anything better than the worst. I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEAD. And he doesn't help at all! He just makes things even worse and does nothing to make me want to spend the rest of my life with him. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through. And no ones advice helps me figure anything out. UGHHH.

I have to work a few afternoon shifts this week because of all the people who went on vacation this week. There was 8 people or so! And I got fucked. Royally. And its not like anyone thanks you or anything like that. People are so conceited and ignorant. I can't wait to get out of here. Anyone who tells me, "you'll have the same problems down there that you have here." doesn't know what they are talking about. If you leave this state and come back, just driving around here you can see how depressed it is! And people aren't mean and unhappy other places! Yea every once in a while you'll encounter someone like that, but its not all the time. And I'll be glad to leave this rotting place.

If you want to pursue your dreams, you have to get out of Youngstown, Ohio. Ohio is only good for coming back to later in life where you just want an easy, quiet existence.

♥ Jessica.

DreamzZZz

My dreams are so messed up sometimes! I had a dream that Jay (Ash's boy) and I got in a physical fight! And I beat him up, ha! He does make me really angry... Maybe that was my way of dealing with him LOL... In my dreams!

I've been watching tweets about the new iPhone... Those prices ATT wants for a new 2 year contract are rediculous. Our economy isn't good enough to buy the phone and plan for $699! Who really can afford that? And is it really worth it?

Were going for a walk this morning. Have to be in Salem around 9:30... I better get goin!

Loves ♥ (:


-- Bloggin' via the iTouch!