Day 6 [real bad.]

I don't know what it is today. But its real bad. And I keep making it worse by thinking of all kinds of other things, too. I think I'm going to make myself sick until I get a letter from him. That has to be what it is. Maybe this week will go fast, real fast.

I went to the Y after work today. I did an elliptical for 30 mins and then walked the track. I didn't keep track of how many times... I was there a while. Just walking and thinking. Then I did the sauna for 10 mins straight. Although that really didn't do anything, I felt good afterward. And my phone started to get hot. I guess Pat was lucky to have the Otterbox on his iPhone. He could go in there for like an hour and nothing would happen to his phone. That's okay, I'm going to use my bluetooth wireless headphones, leave my phone in the locker and go in the sauna that way. I should be able to walk that far away from my phone. We'll test it out sometime this week. I don't know about tomorrow... I work 3 to 11 and I have to find out what the warranty co. is going to do about my car. And I have a bad feeling. So if all that goes bad, I have to deal with it before work. And I don't think I'll have time to go to the Y. Although I do want to :(

I'm trying to keep my mind off of Pat right now. It seems like that's ALL I'm thinking about and to make it worse one of the kids who left before him is graduating in a few days so he has liberty now... and he's been on facebook... and yea I had to read everything and it made me sad and miss Pat more. Then I had to see everyone else's statuses. And they scare me. One was something about going out on in the field for training for ten days... no cell phone. UGH... or others bitch about where they are. And I don't want Pat to hate it... what if he does? UGH. And then another minor problem... all the girls that try to talk to these guys... I don't know how I'm going to deal with that! Just another problem to think about! I'm burying myself!!

I wonder if Pat thinks about me throughout the day? I'd imagine he's to busy to... everyonce in a while I whisper I love you to him, hoping he might hear it♥
i♥youPat.

Day 5/88... I think I counted wrong.

I'm pretty sure Pat will be gone longer than 88 days. Idk... he said his graduation would be tentatively August 27th. --- Oh, maybe I didn't... either way it feels like it has already been a MONTH! I don't know what I'm going to do when he comes home for 10 days and then has to leave for mct or itb or what ever it is. Even if I can talk to him then, it doesn't matter- I want to be with him.

Its been storming and raining the last few days, and today. And I don't care. Its how I feel. I could care less if it rained all summer. Nothing really matters to me when Pat's not around. I can't stop thinking about him. This sucks. Wow, I sound depressed. I'm surprised I haven't started drinking every night. And I'm really contemplating buying a pack of cigarettes. Half my brain wants me to and the other half says 'Jes, you know you don't want to smoke'. Which is true. I don't. But I do so bad. Maybe I'll buy a BlackandMild. That might curb this need.

I need to do some grocery shopping, so I stop eating at work. I've lost 4 pounds this week. I know I shouldn't be doing it the way I am, but I'm not really hungry. Plus I was waking up only 3 hours before work, so I wasn't hungry enough to eat breakfast. But I ate a meal at work on break and then wouldn't eat anything when I got home. I just have to watch how many energy drinks I consume... I feel like I need them at work and I've been buying the big can of Rockstar because the price is really good. But I have lost weight and that's what matters. I just have to find time and motivation to workout again. I was thinking about going to the BikeTrail today, but its raining now. Maybe I'll do the treadmill or elliptical. Maybe I'll go to the Y. I don't know. I just want to talk Pat. I just want to hear his voice...

I went on a small shopping spree online today. Usually that helps my mood, but it didn't seem to. I didn't feel happy about it. And I didn't buy anything I felt like I really needed. [I did need sandals, and got one pair] I feel gross and disgusting and just blah. I want to look good for Pat when he gets home but I feel so out of it that it depresses me even more when I think about it! Its a horrible, vicious cycle. I don't even feel like reading and usually when I'm dealing with something bad, I consume myself in a book. And I really just have no desire to do that either. Idk... I'll make it through this. I'm looking forward to Pat's first letter. I hope he hasn't changed too much from this past week.

i♥youPat.

p.s. i was creeping on fb and one of the kids pat knows that is out of bootcamp is getting ready to go to Okinawa, Japan... for 2 years. I got kind of scared.... that makes me nervous because the last Pat said, he thought even if we were married I can't go over seas with him unless he was a sergeant. And I couldn't go that long without being with him, especially if we are married. I would and will always wait for Pat, but he might not realise what this is actually doing to me. I feel sick and I don't know what can happen... :(

"I never fucked anybody over in my life, that didn't have it comin' to 'em, you go that?"

I finished reading Clive Cussler's "Cyclops", A Dirk Pitt Adventure. Amazing. I was so excited from the minute I read the first page til the last one. It was so fast paced and a real adventure. It was nice to escape from this hell into that kind of book. It really helped me. Now I'm escaping into Alton Gansky's "A Ship Possessed". Its another military type book but has twists and turns like Cusslers and keeps you on your toes and wondering what will happen next. Its a story with religious/faith undertones and dealing with the unknown and supernatural. I'm enjoying it. And I like these books so much, I'm going to try to find more from these two authors.

I find myself escaping to books and trying to keep my mind occupied. So that I don't return to the thoughts of the real world. And to hide from what's going on. Is that wrong? I just need a break sometimes. I used to forget about the problems through out the day. But now they are ALWAYS there. Always creeping up on me and out of the blue throwing me into a downward spiral. I feel trapped like I can't get away from anything! The only time I can, is when I get fucked up or read. And I would honestly rather read right now. I don't feel in control anymore. I don't know what would happen if I was too fucked up. Ahhh... I don't know. If you know any good books... amazing ones. Send me a message. I need to find something to keep my mind from wondering when those times come around. Ya know what I mean?

<3Jayy.