Baby Fever

It comes and it goes, but tonight it's bad. I want to start a family. But then again, I think maybe I don't. It is so frustrating. I don't know what the 'right' choice is, is there a 'right' choice? Does Pat ever want kids? I'm beginning to think he doesn't and maybe that's why it bothers me so much. What if he never wants to? Can I live without never having a family? That's how I feel. We're not a family if we don't have a child. And then if he just gives in, will it still turn out to be the perfect life I've always dreamt of? I don't know what the next step actually is, but I feel like something iscoming or something needs to be done. I'm anticipating something but I don't know what it is. I hate this feeling. And I feel like Pat's holding something back but I don't know what it is, if anything. I wish I could read his mind. Seriously.

One of those Sundays...

I love my Marine♥ But, I'm beginning to find it annoying that he fights for your right to bitch and complain all day long and be rude about. No one ever says, "Wow, I'm lucky to NOT live in a 3rd world country, where people are starving every day and disease is taking over". No one ever is thankful that they don't live in Europe where gas has always been more than $4.00! When people complain about our economic situation or politics they don't agree with, they will deliberately not talk about how our military is being affected, and that the military doesn't matter as much as teachers or doctors. This is the reason I'm on this rant.(Saw something on Facebook) I don't understand how you can think a country's military is not important. And then people who say the troops don't do as much as some doctors/teachers/etc. WHATTTTT? How can you say that? I know many teachers that didn't teach me ANYTHING in school and weren't in the classroom half the time. Yet my area has good test scores. I studied on MY OWN and I comprehended the subjects, not them. I see the doctor and I'm not sure why they are paid as much as they are to tell me things I can figure out on my own. And then to suggest a treatment that doesn't work, they just said "let's try this". Explain to me how someone can say something they do more than our troops. Ughhh I don't know. I just needed to rant. 


Be thankful for your lives. Most of the world does not live the way we do and we're taking it for granted. Someone always has it worse than you do.

this. is. amazing.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/AE7A4w/humorpig.com/pictures/humor-pig-funny-pics-9-76-pics/attachment/90s/

Day 45 [I stand by my Man]

It's Thursday and I got Sunday's letter today!!! =)=) They just keep getting better and better! And he had two of my questionnaires that he sent back, which was nice. I know what size he wears so I can look into shirts for him. He said Large, but then said maybe M... We'll stick with large. I hope he's not a medium, that might be too thin for me. I like my guy buff =) I think this is one of the best letters yet. Just reading it you can see the love and emotion pouring out of it. It makes me feel really good inside. And makes me think "Ya, that's my guy" ::Sigh:: I can't wait till he gets home. I think it might be bad though! How am I going to go to work and not just want to quit and walk out and go be with him?! Or how am I really going to want to do anything or see anyone else besides, Pat?! I feel it already... we're like magnets already pulling ourselves together and once we finally are, nobody's going to be able to pull us apart!! I'm so excited for our future. There's so much we're going to do and all this stuff he has planned. I finally feel like my life is on track. Or at least I know that I have things I have to prepare for and look forward to. Before I didn't know. I couldn't tell you what my life would be like 6 months down the road. But I feel better now =) It's a great feeling and even better knowing I'll be spending it with him♥

I'm a busy little lady =) Gots things to do!

xoxo

i♥PC

Day 7 of what seems like, FOREVER.

I had to write to Pat again last night. I had to tell him how I feel. I told him I'd try to write happier letters...

More problems dealing with the car... all I want is my car back. I just want to drive it! And I feel like Mrs. C is breathing down my back about getting Pat's truck back. He doesn't even want to sell it!! And she's not going to get his payoff. Its not worth that and he knows it! I wish I could tell him. I think he went along with whatever she was saying because it wasn't what he was worried about before he left and they're going to take care of the stuff that needs fixed. Knowing him, he'll know it won't sell and then just got lucky ;)

I don't want to go to work today. I don't want to do anything. Maybe go to the Y. I have to wait around for phone calls so I don't think I'm going to the gym before work. Its 11 now and I have to be at work at 3. Ugh. Maybe tomorrow before work??

Wishing I could fast-forward life RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

From Henry Rollins' Black Coffee Blues [cont. day 2/88]

#39: I walk straight lines. I walk through summer nights. I walk the silver rope of dreams. I walk through dawns of dawns. There's not a lot that isn't dying. I see people parading in front of each other like insect in a killing jar, watching each other die. I walk the straight lines through the Christ machines. Through the eyes of the throwaway people. Through the wards and the shores and the cracks in the skulls of the sidewalks. Through love's howling vacancy. I am the freedom soil. I dig my own grave. I resurrect myself every night. I am all things to myself. I walk the straight lines. I walk the spider's jailhouse. I walk the think line, the thin line, the white line and all the lines in between. I wish I could trade in my eyes.
Henry Rollins

♥everythingsbittersweet.

One step closer...

Ash called me and asked if I had heard about Obama... Naturally I hadn't (I don't listen to the radio nor have I watched the news today). She told me Obama had banned fishing. Fishing? Really? Apparently they were talking about it on the radio and informed the people that it was a closed decision, they did it without the public knowing because they knew it would cause A LOT OF PROBLEMS. What were his reasons to ban fishing? Why would he do this? Why would you do it knowing how many people depend on it for actual food?! Let alone all the people that do it for recreational sport. I don't understand. She mentioned something about hunting also, but didn't know if he had banned or was planning on making a law against it. She did say it will only be law while he is president and they believe he'll only be a one term pres. She even told me about a girl who said her family would depend on fishing for food because they were poorer... how could he do this?

The reason this really bothers me is because of a story Ash told me months ago. It starts out with your typical elderly, paranoid grandpa type. (I think she said he was older) He told Ash about how the government, Obama, would start tracking us and taking our rights away and changing the whole structure of our government and military. We have heard things like this before from elder men, not saying that there isn't truth but we always think they are just paranoid and don't like change. But is this maybe the first step to Obama's plan? From what I can remember Ash said the guy told her Obama did not agree with our military and would destructure it, picking his own personal men and women... I don't remember the details of the conversation. But, the other day I read that Obama had only increased the military's wage for next year by a lousy 1.4%. That's less than what welfare was raised by! And all our military does for us, he really repaid them nicely. Is maybe what the old man told Ash actually coming true? And at the same time, did we really know what we were getting into by electing him president? I know for a fact I didn't want to vote... I don't know enough about the candidates. I'm never educated enough nor really understand their views and opinions. Its really pointless for me to vote, my vote is literally probably hurting the polls. I honestly can say this because I never have faith in who I'm voting for nor do I understand why they would be good for our country... my vote is just padding for that particular candidate.

I know our country's changing and its not always bad nor is it good. And we can't stop change. But it bothers me that I don't even know what to think when stuff like this happens. More and more, I don't want to be apart of something like this but I'm trapped. Would I really dare to move out of this country forever and start all over? I don't know. But I will tell you I have pondered the thought of leaving and taking up in a hut on a tropical island and living simple. No high maintenance things, not a ton of materialistic items. Going to the market and buying fresh fruit, meat, vegetables. Making small amounts of money but being happy and meeting new exotic people. Learning about other cultures and taking things slow. That sounds like how life could be. Free of the chains I live with now, where all that matters is money and if you don't got money, you can't live.

♥ life...

If I knew what I know now, back then...

[1] I wouldn't be so stubborn
[2] I would have gone straight to a tech school for a medical program instead if YSU
[3] I wouldn't be so selfish
[4] I would have told you I loved you more
[5] I would have never gotten any credit cards. NOT ONE
[6] I would have gone to class
[7] I would have thought things through before doing certain things... Instead if being dumb about stuff.
[8] I would take better care if my car
[9] I would learn to bite my tongue
[10] I would visit my other family members more often
[11] I would have never started smoking
[12] I would have watched what I ate
[13] I would ask more questions
[14] I would communicate better with my boyfriend
[15] I would loosen up
[16] I would do more for you
[17] I would travel more
[18] I would learn to let things go
[19] I wouldn't let everything bother me.
[20] I wouldn't be SO hard on myself
[21] I would love myself more.


-- Bloggin' via the iTouch!

where did summer go?

Its already the Canfield Fair... where did summer go?? I feel like I didn't do much at all and it went SO fast. Every season feels that way anymore. Ever since I realized I wasn't a kid anymore. Ever since then, things have gone down hill. I want to be optimistic. Right now looking back at what I've done and looking into my future, doesn't provide anything to be optimistic about. That light of hope is diminishing and with everything else. Eventually things will turn around, but who knows when that will be. If I had three wishes, one would be to make everything okay tomorrow. The other two wouldn't matter. I just want everything to be OKAY. Be BETTER. Be GOOD again.

Ehh, enough of that. I'm not in the mood to think about my problems.

On a positive note, I quit smoking about a month ago and feel GREAT! I also lost 10 pounds! Which for anyone who forgot, I'm losing weight to join the Marines! I did talk to the Navy also... they have all the medical jobs/fields. And I would rather do something medical. But I'm not sure the Navy is what I really want. I really want to push myself and put myself through something that will show me what I am capable of and make me happy. The Marines can do that. And Sgt. Petronio was assigned me(even though he's at the Salem office and I'm from Canfield) but he's awesome! I love him and I barely know him! He makes me motivated and is very encouraging! I don't think he even knows it lol.

I'm debating on whether to go to the Hookah Bar with Bobbi and Wendy. I have to work tomorrow and I'm really tired. But I really want to go out with them. Maybe I'll go out for like a half hour.

I better go get ready then. Peace out.

Planning

I was planning a trip to Washington D.C. but then I realized, I should be saving money for North Carolina. I really want to go to D.C. though. I'm torn. It was a really nice package too. I think about it some more, I guess.
I haven't heard anything from the NC district manager yet, which is really frustrating too. She called the store back but Annette wasn't there that day, so its been like two weeks since then. I know she's busy but, I'm moving regardless and I need the information immediately. And I should be the one talking to her anyway, not Annette. I could easily just send in my resume right now, myself. But I need them to know, its not a "maybe". I need to know about the areas and which stores I can even look at. I can't do anything until I know which store are available. Aghhhh. I'm so frustrated.

I haven't been having a very good week and it just makes me hate this place and EVERYONE here even more. I can't wait to move and start ALL over. I won't regret it one bit.

♥ its whatever.

Don't forget me when I'm gone

I saw a funeral procession today. I always get sad when I see them or if I pass a funeral home and there's a funeral going on right then. Then it makes me think, who would really show up at mine? Or how many cars would actually follow me to the cemetary?

I would want my friends and family to celebrate my life, not mourn my death. I think I would leave in my will directions and money for them to have a party and have a good time remembering me. I don't want them to be sad that I'm gone, but to be happy I was here and happy they got to share my life with me. And I do belive death isn't the end. I don't know what's out there for us or our souls but I think it a beginning to something new.


-- via the iTouch!

Things I love this month...

Lady gaga- she's so different and fresh! I was listening to her before she went fully mainstream and I remember telling my mom she was like the next Madonna! He music is unique and fun and I wish her the best of luck in her career!

Flo Rida- I love his music!!! Everytime I hear a new song of his, I love it. Words can't even explain. I would love to see him in concert.

Twitter- I refused to try it before but I can't get enough of it now!! I'm addicted. I just wish there were more people I personally knew on it. The real celebs that ACTUALLY tweet though are awesome.

Astre gym- our gym! I feel great when I leave. They have tons of equiptment and they're clean. I'm glad we tried this place out.

Quizno's Torpedoes- DELICIOUS and CHEAP!! $4! How can you beat that???

AMP Energy Drinks- any flavor especially the Lightening!! OMG I can't go a day with out one!

So there's a few things I'm into at the moment. Try one, maybe you'll love it as much as I do!


-- Bloggin' via the iTouch!

Drama, it'll be the end if you.

Seriously? Is that all we revolve around... drama? I would love for everyone to just get along and love the shit outta eachother for one day. You guys are gonna grow grey hairs and die young if you keep this stress and bullshit up. Life is suppose to be hard and challenging, at times. But mostly we should be learning and living and experiencing friendship/experiencing people!. Having fun and NOT being stressed.
Live your life don't let other people or problems live it for you. Damn.

-- Post From My iPhone

loving life. <3

I might have had that vision. The one that tells you everything is going to be okay. That everything is turning for the better. I think this year might actually be a good one! Last year was bad. The year before that, almost worse. But I think this summer might actually be, well, awesome! Things have changed. My life seems brighter! I haven't felt this way in a long time. Like nothing is truly wrong. Everything if falling into place. A stress has been lifted from my shoulders. Maybe I'll finally be able to calm down and live life slowly. I still know things are going to go wrong, things will still change. But I think for once in a long, long time, there might actually be more good than bad! Its usually the other way around. A few good sprinkled on a LOT of bad. I'll take it as it comes, and I thank whatever divine being granted me this!

P.S. I started reading a new book. Its AWESOME. Title: Acheron Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon -- Definitely up there with The Quest and those types of adventure books. A must read!

"I like it when he pinch me, so I know I'm not dreamin"

Check Out: Ms. Williams Ms. Williams Music
Her musics and voice are fresh and real. Lovin the remix with R Kelly.

It feels like a perfect October day out today. Its a little chilly for September but feels so nice. I'm more excited for fall then I thought I would be. I dunno why but now I don't care how cold it gets I just want summer to be GONE. Summer was so complicated and a bunch of bullshit. I know the rest of the year is going to be just like this but for some reason I feel a little better now that summer's over. This year has really been bad. Hopefully, soon, all the shit will die down and I could start living my own life, but I doubt it. My life's taking a drastic change and its out of my hands and I'm getting fucked left and right. Its getting pretty bad and there's not much I can do but wait and ride it out. Eventually things will be back to normal, or as normal as they're going to get. I don't know, I just wished all I had to worry about was cooties and boo-boo's again.

Amanda's dying my hair tonight. Its just cheaper if she does it and I want to pay my bills. I don't need to waste $80 when Amanda can do it for $15. I was her model today at school. She got a 100% on the straight cut. Tonight she's going to shape it for me though (I look bad with a straight cut).

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.”

Sometimes the closest people to me, seem to make me the angriest. Or irritate me the worst. Or make me want to shoot them! I don't get it. Is it because they know what buttons set me off? Or they think they can get away with it because they're so close to me? Its so frustrating when someone who KNOWS BETTER does the worst! I feel like I'm on my god damn period 24/7! I go to bed pissed off and wake up pissed off and I think it is because of the people I'm surrounded by!! Every little thing sets me off. I know its not intentional but I swear they do it on purpose sometimes.

"Arguing with a fool proves there are two."
Doris M. Smith

Do you ever feel like you're not doing anything. Like you're just going minute by minute, nothing really feels real. Nothing feels right, but it doesn't feel wrong? Or you feel like you're not doing anything you should be? I hate that feeling. And I don't know how to change it. It keeps coming back every time I think its finally gone. I just want to be okay for a while. I can deal with it, if I just get a break from it. Like if something just fixes it. Just for a while. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

My Little Sister's A Big Girl Now!

Ashley graduated last weekend from high school! She makes me feel old now! I was thinking, my chapter of high school is officially over now, but I remembered Stephen still has one more year. And after his graduation, I'll never be at Canfield High School again! Unless, I stay here and have my own kids. But he'll be my last connection to that school and those people. Its kind of scary when you think about it. I always thought after I had graduated that was the end, but it wasn't. I always had a reason to stay connected and return. But now I really don't. And next year will be final.
I thought mom and I would be more emotional, but we weren't. It was too hot out to be emotional. I did cry when they announced Ashley's name for a $1000 scholarship, she didn't know she was receiving. I was so happy for her! It was given to her without her knowloedge by a doctor for Education. She said she wasn't sure if they actually called her name and hesitated to get up, when it happened!

We celebrated with drinks when we got back to the house. Then we went to dinner at Nicolinni's with YiaYia and Aunt Phil. It was a nice time. Too much family time together though. By the end of the night, I think we were all glad it was over.

Although she's probably heard this enough times already, Ashley I'm really proud of you and I hope you the best in your college years. If you haven't learned anything from me, then I haven't done my job as your older sister! I hope you succeed and try your best in everything you do, learn from my mistakes. Love you so much!

Life is...

Life is a confusing. But I'm content with mine. Or as content as I could be, I guess. I don't understand why things happen sometimes. But I accept the outcomes. I never regret anything, I learn from the decisions I make. I realize I'm confusing. I realize life's confusing. But in the end, I think I have learned that you should do whatever makes you happy and don't lie to yourself. Sometimes we spend so much time defending ourselves to others that we ended up covering up our real feelings and forgetting about them. Who cares what others think? I've learned not to let others influence my decisions. There's no harm in listening to their help, but do what you want to in the end.

Life should be fun and exciting, not full of stress and hatred.

I know only I can hurt myself the worst.

A quote from Buddhism can some up life in a sentence. "Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts." To anyone who never understood why a person does the things they do, that quote sums it up. To anyone I ever tried to explain to the way I think, read that quote. You won't necessarily understand, unless your going through what I'm going through. But maybe that puts it a little clearer, than my babble. You'll never know. And you'll never be able to help me. Only I can help myself. I've got it under control. You don't need to worry. But for all the times you asked "why do you do that?" and you told me my reasoning didn't make sense, yes it did. Its how I deal with problems. Only I can hurt myself the worst. I make the decisions that lead to all outcomes in my life. I only have myself to answer to, myself that leads my life. In the end, it all comes back on me. You don't understand this, because you won't come to terms with yourself. I know when I screw up, and I know how my head process things. It is my fault because they were my actions, or my words. I acted upon what someone else did or said, whether they were being hurtful or in the wrong. I choose the paths that lead me through my life. No one else does. So when I do something wrong, isn't it fair that I deal with the consequences, myself. Teach myself a lesson. Remind myself in some way, that you can't do that again or you can get through the rough times? Don't worry about me, I know what I'm doing... worry about yourself and where you're going.