Day 5/88... I think I counted wrong.

I'm pretty sure Pat will be gone longer than 88 days. Idk... he said his graduation would be tentatively August 27th. --- Oh, maybe I didn't... either way it feels like it has already been a MONTH! I don't know what I'm going to do when he comes home for 10 days and then has to leave for mct or itb or what ever it is. Even if I can talk to him then, it doesn't matter- I want to be with him.

Its been storming and raining the last few days, and today. And I don't care. Its how I feel. I could care less if it rained all summer. Nothing really matters to me when Pat's not around. I can't stop thinking about him. This sucks. Wow, I sound depressed. I'm surprised I haven't started drinking every night. And I'm really contemplating buying a pack of cigarettes. Half my brain wants me to and the other half says 'Jes, you know you don't want to smoke'. Which is true. I don't. But I do so bad. Maybe I'll buy a BlackandMild. That might curb this need.

I need to do some grocery shopping, so I stop eating at work. I've lost 4 pounds this week. I know I shouldn't be doing it the way I am, but I'm not really hungry. Plus I was waking up only 3 hours before work, so I wasn't hungry enough to eat breakfast. But I ate a meal at work on break and then wouldn't eat anything when I got home. I just have to watch how many energy drinks I consume... I feel like I need them at work and I've been buying the big can of Rockstar because the price is really good. But I have lost weight and that's what matters. I just have to find time and motivation to workout again. I was thinking about going to the BikeTrail today, but its raining now. Maybe I'll do the treadmill or elliptical. Maybe I'll go to the Y. I don't know. I just want to talk Pat. I just want to hear his voice...

I went on a small shopping spree online today. Usually that helps my mood, but it didn't seem to. I didn't feel happy about it. And I didn't buy anything I felt like I really needed. [I did need sandals, and got one pair] I feel gross and disgusting and just blah. I want to look good for Pat when he gets home but I feel so out of it that it depresses me even more when I think about it! Its a horrible, vicious cycle. I don't even feel like reading and usually when I'm dealing with something bad, I consume myself in a book. And I really just have no desire to do that either. Idk... I'll make it through this. I'm looking forward to Pat's first letter. I hope he hasn't changed too much from this past week.

i♥youPat.

p.s. i was creeping on fb and one of the kids pat knows that is out of bootcamp is getting ready to go to Okinawa, Japan... for 2 years. I got kind of scared.... that makes me nervous because the last Pat said, he thought even if we were married I can't go over seas with him unless he was a sergeant. And I couldn't go that long without being with him, especially if we are married. I would and will always wait for Pat, but he might not realise what this is actually doing to me. I feel sick and I don't know what can happen... :(

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.”

Sometimes the closest people to me, seem to make me the angriest. Or irritate me the worst. Or make me want to shoot them! I don't get it. Is it because they know what buttons set me off? Or they think they can get away with it because they're so close to me? Its so frustrating when someone who KNOWS BETTER does the worst! I feel like I'm on my god damn period 24/7! I go to bed pissed off and wake up pissed off and I think it is because of the people I'm surrounded by!! Every little thing sets me off. I know its not intentional but I swear they do it on purpose sometimes.

"Arguing with a fool proves there are two."
Doris M. Smith

Do you ever feel like you're not doing anything. Like you're just going minute by minute, nothing really feels real. Nothing feels right, but it doesn't feel wrong? Or you feel like you're not doing anything you should be? I hate that feeling. And I don't know how to change it. It keeps coming back every time I think its finally gone. I just want to be okay for a while. I can deal with it, if I just get a break from it. Like if something just fixes it. Just for a while. I don't want to feel like this anymore.