From Henry Rollins' Black Coffee Blues [cont. day 2/88]

#39: I walk straight lines. I walk through summer nights. I walk the silver rope of dreams. I walk through dawns of dawns. There's not a lot that isn't dying. I see people parading in front of each other like insect in a killing jar, watching each other die. I walk the straight lines through the Christ machines. Through the eyes of the throwaway people. Through the wards and the shores and the cracks in the skulls of the sidewalks. Through love's howling vacancy. I am the freedom soil. I dig my own grave. I resurrect myself every night. I am all things to myself. I walk the straight lines. I walk the spider's jailhouse. I walk the think line, the thin line, the white line and all the lines in between. I wish I could trade in my eyes.
Henry Rollins

♥everythingsbittersweet.

Day 2 of 88 [God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight]

Its raining. And its exactly how I feel. I don't want to do anything, I just want to lay down. All day. I'm doing better today then yesterday- not as emotional! I miss him so much. Mrs. C sent me a text last night(I was at work) when she got the last phone call. He was yelling off of a script and she didn't have time to say anything. She said it sounded horrible and made her sick. She's afraid of the hell he will being going through. As much as I wanted the last phone call... maybe it was better she got it. I don't know if I could have handled it. I wrote him a letter last night too. I'll send it as soon as he writes me. I hope and pray he does great down there and I hope he's careful not to get hurt. I want him to be done on time. I can't stand being away from him. I have to work today. I don't really feel like it, but I know it will keep me sane.

I got the room cleaned up a lot this morning. Its a lot nicer now that its not cluttered. I still have things to go through, though. I alphabetized my dvd collection also. Then stood in front of all of them(which is A LOT) for ten minutes and was like "wow, I don't want to watch any of these". :( I also weighed myself. I had lost a few pounds the last couple of days. Haven't really been eating or drinking much. My weight is: 221. I've gained 40 pounds since the beginning of the year :\ My goal: to lose as much as I can! I'm just going to go for it and do what I can. I need to start going to the Y, but since I normally work till midnight, I don't get up until 11 or noon... and its hard to go to the Y before I have to be back at work. I'll make it work though.

I love you Pat.
♥ Jessi

Day 1 of 88 [i think] ♥

Well... I cried a little bit last night. And for the second night in a row, I had a nightmare as a fell asleep. It started the other night. As I was falling asleep, I thought there were bugs flying around my head... I could hear the buzzing plain as day. (Like when we were at the farm the other day and all the flies, dragonflies, and bees) And I swear in my sleep I was swatting at them. It was really freaking me out and I was still half awake. Well last night it was similar. I kept jolting half awake because of something. I don't know what's going on. BUT, last week I woke up in a panic, pretty much from a nightmare. I saw a spider on my pillow, like a daddy-long-leg. And literally jumped up and woke pat too (which he was really really irritated and yelled at me) After I made sure there was no sign of a spider, I went back to bed. And had a horrible horrible dream about bugs and cockroaches. It was so weird and creepy. Yuck. What's going on in my head?!?!

Everyone keeps telling me I should work on 'me' while Pat's gone. Its the perfect time to do it. And its what I plan on doing. Work though, is not helping. This week, I work till midnight every night. I was going to go to the Y today, but I really don't want to drive Pat's truck. Its just big and makes me so nervous. Especially when there's more people on the road. I don't mind driving it at night, when traffic has slowed down. But not during the day. Blah. Maybe tomorrow? I am starting my diet. Or I should say, today I'm beginning to watch what I eat. I don't have a lot of money this week or the time to go grocery shopping for diet food. SO... I'm going to 'watch' what I eat. Which means, smaller portions, no fast food, and not eating when I get off work, late at night!

I wish Pat could call me :( I miss him so much. And we tell eachother everything so not knowing what he's doing every day, sucks. I like when he tells me about his day. :( I just want to hug him one last time.

I have so much to do in my room. ttyl.