June 5, 2010
passingtime
I noticed I'm missing a few dvds... :( I'm really upset about this because they were my favorites and I have no idea where they could be! Missing: Tranformers, Twilight, and The 5th Element. And those are just the ones I've noticed so far. The 5th Element was at my house last, I know for sure and its not in here. Transformers was at Pat's and I could only think that maybe Stephen has it because he had my other movies. And Twilight... I don't know... maybe at Pat's ??? I cleaned his room out completely though, and nothing of mine is left in there. So where could they be? Ugh.
So I found out that days off are even harder. Throughout today I have cried three times and I find myself completely empty. Completely lost. I know you might not want to continue to read about this but Pat told me he would read all my posts when he got back. He used to read my blog and not tell me, so I figured since I can't write to him yet, I'll explain how I'm feeling on here. And I just need to tell him. I really hope he gets to write by next week. This is so hard and I just keep thinking about everyone else who's gone to boot camp and has come back. They all were gone for months before they came home for memorial day. Some are still here, some were only here for the weekend. Some didn't get to come home. What am I going to do when its the same for Pat? Go the rest of the year without him? Because that's pretty much what it will be. And I know if I write to him and tell him all that, he'll get scared that I'm going to leave him like last time. --(When we rented a house a few years ago, he traveled with my dad and was gone a lot. And it was hard and I was young and didn't know what I wanted. so we had some problems and I told him I couldn't do it and we were breaking up. It sent him into a downward spiral that was really really bad and he ended up lying to come home from New York to save our relationship and getting fired at the same time)-- So I know what he'll think. He'll freak out and there's nothing he can do about it down there. I don't want to scare him at all, because that's not what would happen. I would not leave him because of this even though I say its hard. I'm just nervous that I won't be able to handle it and need him to tell me it will be okay. Its just how I am. I need to be reassured and deal with it day to day like I am. And some of it is because I feel like I'm not in control with any of this. Its not a normal job where he can say he wants time off and come home. I just needed to vent.
I'm watching Two and a Half Men Season 2 right now and reading College Humor's Guide to College, with Shadow in the room. I miss Harley a lot, but I'm thankful Shadow's still around. Dad's bringing something to eat, I haven't eaten all day and I'm down to 217.8 [Initial weigh in was: 221] That's something to make me smile. But I'm afraid when I do get my appetite back I'll put it back on. And if I don't start going to the Y, I'll never lose this weight. I feel really pressured.
♥youPat.
So I found out that days off are even harder. Throughout today I have cried three times and I find myself completely empty. Completely lost. I know you might not want to continue to read about this but Pat told me he would read all my posts when he got back. He used to read my blog and not tell me, so I figured since I can't write to him yet, I'll explain how I'm feeling on here. And I just need to tell him. I really hope he gets to write by next week. This is so hard and I just keep thinking about everyone else who's gone to boot camp and has come back. They all were gone for months before they came home for memorial day. Some are still here, some were only here for the weekend. Some didn't get to come home. What am I going to do when its the same for Pat? Go the rest of the year without him? Because that's pretty much what it will be. And I know if I write to him and tell him all that, he'll get scared that I'm going to leave him like last time. --(When we rented a house a few years ago, he traveled with my dad and was gone a lot. And it was hard and I was young and didn't know what I wanted. so we had some problems and I told him I couldn't do it and we were breaking up. It sent him into a downward spiral that was really really bad and he ended up lying to come home from New York to save our relationship and getting fired at the same time)-- So I know what he'll think. He'll freak out and there's nothing he can do about it down there. I don't want to scare him at all, because that's not what would happen. I would not leave him because of this even though I say its hard. I'm just nervous that I won't be able to handle it and need him to tell me it will be okay. Its just how I am. I need to be reassured and deal with it day to day like I am. And some of it is because I feel like I'm not in control with any of this. Its not a normal job where he can say he wants time off and come home. I just needed to vent.
I'm watching Two and a Half Men Season 2 right now and reading College Humor's Guide to College, with Shadow in the room. I miss Harley a lot, but I'm thankful Shadow's still around. Dad's bringing something to eat, I haven't eaten all day and I'm down to 217.8 [Initial weigh in was: 221] That's something to make me smile. But I'm afraid when I do get my appetite back I'll put it back on. And if I don't start going to the Y, I'll never lose this weight. I feel really pressured.
♥youPat.
Day 5/88... I think I counted wrong.
I'm pretty sure Pat will be gone longer than 88 days. Idk... he said his graduation would be tentatively August 27th. --- Oh, maybe I didn't... either way it feels like it has already been a MONTH! I don't know what I'm going to do when he comes home for 10 days and then has to leave for mct or itb or what ever it is. Even if I can talk to him then, it doesn't matter- I want to be with him.
Its been storming and raining the last few days, and today. And I don't care. Its how I feel. I could care less if it rained all summer. Nothing really matters to me when Pat's not around. I can't stop thinking about him. This sucks. Wow, I sound depressed. I'm surprised I haven't started drinking every night. And I'm really contemplating buying a pack of cigarettes. Half my brain wants me to and the other half says 'Jes, you know you don't want to smoke'. Which is true. I don't. But I do so bad. Maybe I'll buy a BlackandMild. That might curb this need.
I need to do some grocery shopping, so I stop eating at work. I've lost 4 pounds this week. I know I shouldn't be doing it the way I am, but I'm not really hungry. Plus I was waking up only 3 hours before work, so I wasn't hungry enough to eat breakfast. But I ate a meal at work on break and then wouldn't eat anything when I got home. I just have to watch how many energy drinks I consume... I feel like I need them at work and I've been buying the big can of Rockstar because the price is really good. But I have lost weight and that's what matters. I just have to find time and motivation to workout again. I was thinking about going to the BikeTrail today, but its raining now. Maybe I'll do the treadmill or elliptical. Maybe I'll go to the Y. I don't know. I just want to talk Pat. I just want to hear his voice...
I went on a small shopping spree online today. Usually that helps my mood, but it didn't seem to. I didn't feel happy about it. And I didn't buy anything I felt like I really needed. [I did need sandals, and got one pair] I feel gross and disgusting and just blah. I want to look good for Pat when he gets home but I feel so out of it that it depresses me even more when I think about it! Its a horrible, vicious cycle. I don't even feel like reading and usually when I'm dealing with something bad, I consume myself in a book. And I really just have no desire to do that either. Idk... I'll make it through this. I'm looking forward to Pat's first letter. I hope he hasn't changed too much from this past week.
i♥youPat.
p.s. i was creeping on fb and one of the kids pat knows that is out of bootcamp is getting ready to go to Okinawa, Japan... for 2 years. I got kind of scared.... that makes me nervous because the last Pat said, he thought even if we were married I can't go over seas with him unless he was a sergeant. And I couldn't go that long without being with him, especially if we are married. I would and will always wait for Pat, but he might not realise what this is actually doing to me. I feel sick and I don't know what can happen... :(
Its been storming and raining the last few days, and today. And I don't care. Its how I feel. I could care less if it rained all summer. Nothing really matters to me when Pat's not around. I can't stop thinking about him. This sucks. Wow, I sound depressed. I'm surprised I haven't started drinking every night. And I'm really contemplating buying a pack of cigarettes. Half my brain wants me to and the other half says 'Jes, you know you don't want to smoke'. Which is true. I don't. But I do so bad. Maybe I'll buy a BlackandMild. That might curb this need.
I need to do some grocery shopping, so I stop eating at work. I've lost 4 pounds this week. I know I shouldn't be doing it the way I am, but I'm not really hungry. Plus I was waking up only 3 hours before work, so I wasn't hungry enough to eat breakfast. But I ate a meal at work on break and then wouldn't eat anything when I got home. I just have to watch how many energy drinks I consume... I feel like I need them at work and I've been buying the big can of Rockstar because the price is really good. But I have lost weight and that's what matters. I just have to find time and motivation to workout again. I was thinking about going to the BikeTrail today, but its raining now. Maybe I'll do the treadmill or elliptical. Maybe I'll go to the Y. I don't know. I just want to talk Pat. I just want to hear his voice...
I went on a small shopping spree online today. Usually that helps my mood, but it didn't seem to. I didn't feel happy about it. And I didn't buy anything I felt like I really needed. [I did need sandals, and got one pair] I feel gross and disgusting and just blah. I want to look good for Pat when he gets home but I feel so out of it that it depresses me even more when I think about it! Its a horrible, vicious cycle. I don't even feel like reading and usually when I'm dealing with something bad, I consume myself in a book. And I really just have no desire to do that either. Idk... I'll make it through this. I'm looking forward to Pat's first letter. I hope he hasn't changed too much from this past week.
i♥youPat.
p.s. i was creeping on fb and one of the kids pat knows that is out of bootcamp is getting ready to go to Okinawa, Japan... for 2 years. I got kind of scared.... that makes me nervous because the last Pat said, he thought even if we were married I can't go over seas with him unless he was a sergeant. And I couldn't go that long without being with him, especially if we are married. I would and will always wait for Pat, but he might not realise what this is actually doing to me. I feel sick and I don't know what can happen... :(
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