Impacts of life decisions

The day I married my soul mate, everything changed. Everything set in and seemed 'right'. I wasn't nervous, I didn't have any second thoughts, I wasn't like "What am I getting myself into". From then on, I saw God's path. Up until then, I couldn't see. I struggled to understand where my life was going, I thought there was no path. But now I see it. And I feel like this is exactly what He had planned. I was getting lost before and needed to fight to get to this point. I feel at ease with myself and my life. I wouldn't change it or trade it for anything.


With that being said, my sister has made a decision that I can not understand. 


She claims J is her soul mate. They've been together I think longer than three years now. They were getting married this year, in October. This coming weekend is the date for their Bridal Shower. Around two weeks ago, out of the blue, we found out that A decided to call the wedding off! ! ! ! ! Literally a week before I found this out, she was telling me how she couldn't wait until I saw the wedding topper, and her and Mom were getting other wedding stuff together. The severity and quickness of this whole fiasco, is really throwing me off. And also my Mother. And My YiaYia. And I'm not sure how my Dad feels. You have no idea how completely out of left field this is. I was very upset when my Mom told me. Pat is extremely upset and mind-blown, also. I called A and talked to her. It's not effective over the phone. She didn't explain too much. Just kept saying J was also having feelings like he wasn't ready. Do I believe that? Slightly, but I think he just doesn't want to show how he really feels. Supposedly, my sister has met someone. I explained, from personal experience, how what she may be feeling because of meeting this person, is not real. Of course she has to realize this on her own. But I know what she's going through. And she needs to take a step back and re-evaluate her situation and feelings. It's a smoke-screen effect and it's misleading. She could ruin something really good by giving in. I think she's realized that, now. She apparently "needs to find herself", she's "lost herself in all this". Really? I don't think so. I'm not sure what's going on in her head, but mentally she's screwing with J and it's the last thing he needs. I don't even know. There are so many thoughts running through my head. I could kick her butt for doing this two weeks before the Bridal Shower. How do you just realize out of no where, you've fallen out of love with someone you loved a week before?!?!


Regardless of the outcome of this situation, as the BIG SISTER, I can not sit back and not have an opinion. Although I keep it to myself, I would hate to see her decisions take her down the wrong path in life. I'm going to sit back and let her learn on her own, though. No one was there to help me make the right decisions and I've learned a lot. I also keep this in mind with everything I decide now. Will she? Time will tell, I suppose.


In another sense, this distracts me from deployment. It's doesn't need to distract Pat and I know he cares. It makes me nervous. It's like he focuses on everything else, but Afghanistan. He's worried about this, he was worried about missing the wedding. He's worried about getting a house on base, when I've repeatedly told him I'm handling it. He worries about me and our finances. He worries about Norm. He needs to realize, the more important thing he needs to worry about is coming home safe and sound and not in a box. I can handle everything here. Everything will be okay. He can't save everything. I can take some of the burden and put it on myself.


♥ 1/9

Is it wrong of me...

Is it wrong of me to pay more attention to writing my thoughts down and venting, when Pat's not home? I feel like when he leaves I do post more, it's like therapy. But when he is here, I'm just as stressed but for some reason I don't vent on here. Which in turn, I think, makes me bottle up everything ten times worse. It's like if he's here, I have to forget about my problems and be there for him. Which I'm totally, 100% there for him. I know I will never ever go through what he is going to go through. I know that most people will never see what he will see while he's deployed. BUT, I can't help but realize I put myself second to him while he's home. And I just don't think it's healthy. Not for me, or him, or our relationship.

I think I will try more to do what I need to do for myself and us, and not always let it seem like I'm putting myself last. I really feel that I let Pat control me. For example: when Pat wants/needs to go to bed, I have to come with him. It's the sweetest thing ever, to hear someone say they need you. To say they can't sleep without you and that if you're not there with them, they don't feel safe. BUT, I lose valuable 'alone' time or maybe catching up on my favorite tv show that won't be on after the season is over. Or maybe cleaning, or laundry, things I would do before I would normally go to bed. But I'm somewhat forced to let those things go, try to get everything done before he gets off work the next day, and then go to bed with him when it's his bed-time. I don't think that's healthy because I think I'm already getting irritated by it and one day I'm going to lash out on him. And I don't want to do that. I just want him to realize, I'm here. Maybe a few times a week, I'll come to bed when I'M ready. I don't tell him when to eat, go to bed, or anything. I just want him to realize we can't do that to each other. What happens when we have a kid?! The kid will have to come first, not Pat.

----

Little update: cat's fixed. They had it fixed in less than a week. Bad part was, my transmission went. $5000. Ya, this car is definitely bad luck. I think it's the blue. So now, the money I had withdrawn for my credit card debt, was used to get the car fixed so I could get a job and now I'm still in debt. And I'm probably going to go faulty on my bills because I don't think I'll get a job before I run out of the little money I have to make minimum payments. It sucks. Mom said it good though. Did I really think I was going to get ahead? I'm too young to have 'gotten ahead' and to be set. It's just not fair. I'm so lucky I didn't pay all my bills the week before it happened. If I had, I have no idea how I would have gotten the car fixed.

Pat will be leaving soon for training. And it's been extended. Which sucks. I was only supposed to be 2 weeks, now it's a month. And on top of that, Pat was told he had to buy mandatory tickets to the unit's special dinner or something (haven't gotten full details yet) well I'm not sure if I heard him correctly but the tickets were either $150 a piece for both of us or $150 for the both of us. Either way, we don't have $150 to spare for a stupid dinner. I won't be able to pay 2 bills now. And he tried to tell his Ssgt but it's mandatory. I don't want to go! I guess it's formal which means I will have to go buy a dress or skirt, being that I don't have nice, formal ones! So I'm going into even more debt.

I don't know why this is happening to us, but I will take whatever punishment God is giving me and hope it will be over soon so I can work on getting our financial life back in order! UGH.

Breezin down the freeway just me and my baby, in our ride // Just me and my boss no worries at all ♥

Tried out the new design stuff on blogger... but I can't get the date tab above the posts to change from that red to transparent :( ugh.

I have to work at 3 and I know we're going to be BUSY tonight. I'm there till midnight and I'm sure it's going to suck. :(

It's weird saying and thinking I have a 'hubby' or I'm a 'Mrs' :) Still getting used to it.
Hubby didn't get Recruiter's Assistant, kinda sucks. No it really sucks. Because this week has been... I can't even explain. Just not how it should have been and he'll be gone for 2 months? This sucks.

I'm so tired. I want to post all the pics from Parris Island, Fam day, and graduation. But I feel so blah and out of it. I should be jumping off the walls with happiness because he's home and we GOT MARRIED! But I feel like I haven't seen him this week. Like we didn't talk except for the days we were at the cabin. When we get home at night we're so tired we fall asleep immediately, or when we're out there's always people around talking to him. It's like I didn't get any alone time. No time to talk about important things. Or even to just lay and cuddle together. And tomorrow I'm sure will be hell. His mom has some picnic planned and he has to get all his uniforms together and all his stuff and I think say bye to people he didn't get to see.  It's going to be busy and I just want time to stop and us to be ALONE. I don't even care if we talk I just want to BE HELD.

♥
whatev.

Day 67/88 !!! [Getting close!]

Ahhhh!! We're so close! I can't believe how fast July and now August, have gone compared to June! June was horribly long and dragged out! It sucked so bad. But now I only have 18 days till I'm driving down to SC to see my babe! I can't wait for Family Day. That will be Thursday and it will be the first official day I see Pat. I think it's like 3 or 4 hours with him and he'll show us all around PI and we'll have lunch. I'm not sure if we should bring lunch in a cooler or just stick it out in the lines. I don't know yet. I'm so excited! Our cabin get-away is going to be perfect too! Then on the Monday we get home, we'll get the marriage license and schedule an appointment with a judge!! I can't wait to be married to my other half!! He makes me so happy!


I've gotten a few letters in the last two weeks, more than I though I would. They're supposed to be really busy. Maybe next week I won't get so many ? Idk... but Pat had his wisdom teeth, all 4, removed and they cracked one of the other teeth while they were doing it. He said it hurts really bad but he goes back on admin week to get it fixed. What else has he said? .... He made me something!! I wouldn't say what and he said his materials were limited but I'm going to die when I see it! He said some of the other guys tried to call him gay and make fun of him for making it but he said "You know me, I squashed that shit right away" He said he loves me so much and he doesn't care what people think :) I have the best guy ever. He said a lot of the guys keep asking about our wedding and want to be invited.


I love getting letters from him! They're so nice and I love reading them over and over. =) I have lots to do today (it's my day off) So I better start now, or I'll end up doing nothing all day!


xoxo
♥ I love Patrick!

Day 60 [Excited to be Mrs. Jessica Ann Carey!!!]

I'm so excited to marry Pat!!! And it's ten times better because he SOOO excited too! It's all he talks about in his letters! I want to put them on here, but I think they're too personal. I read them to my sister (which I love doing, we analyze everything) and I read snippets to other people. I decided to make them their own scrap book for right now. I didn't have anything from before when Pat was a poolee so I can't really do much with all that until graduation and after. So I decided I'll put them in the scrap book and then I'll have them forever! =) I'm so excited to see him. He told me in Sunday's letter that he was going to hate when I go to work and he can't see me, but he knows I have to work =( I wish he wouldn't have told me that because now it's going to be really hard for me to want to go. I would have been better off if he didn't say it LOL. I can't wait though. There's so much I want to do and talk about and I feel like I need to start prepping now!! I want to pack already!!! LOL and I want to get his goodie bag together now, but I'm afraid of the candy/chocolate/etc getting hard or not tasting good. So I'm going to wait till like the week before. (And I have to remember to get the bag for the goodies from Walmart. They have the present bags really cheap)


There's so much going on and so much I need to do. I've become unorganized the past few weeks and it's messing everything up =\ I don;t even know where I am!


Need to figure everything out and get grounded again.


I love Patrick♥

Day 18 [LettersOfLove]

:) I'm happy today. Got another letter from Pat and he said he would also write me every day!! I'm so happy to know that. He says he "expects" me to write every day to or he'll be pissed lol... he's missing some of my letters and I think that's why he thinks I'm not writing a lot. He also said... something about this little thing... called...

MARRIAGE!!!!
=)=)=)=)

He says he wants to when he gets home and then I can come to Camp Leguene(sp?) with him after SOI!! Aghhh!! I told him I want it to be a surprise still... so he can't openly talk about it or 'plans' =) He said he was going to ask for recruiter's assistant also so he could stay for a month.

I'm sooo happy!!! I love my baby!

I'm running really late and have to work in a little so I'll update more tomorrow!

♥yous!